i have half the mind to greet you, but i don't want to cling to you too much. it does not look hopeful anyway.



pfah.



11.56.



i wish you would somehow remember me. even a tiny little bit of remembrance. a tiny bit of the monstrosity that exists in me. i wish...

you put so many clues out that if he wanted to, if he was interested, he'd have easily found out long ago.



but it's not the case. so, yeah, your rose-tinted glasses are only gonna make you see blood. nothing nice here, really.

I know you talk about me. It's just very obvious and i've caught you several times. And it's cute that you do. I don't think it's the backstabbing sort either, unless you're so lucky that i've never caught you in those times yet. So thanks, and it's gotten me curious about what you talk about too. And i don't know if that's supposed to be normal. What i mean is, sometimes i wish i just wasn't aware of these things, so that i wouldn't be so goddamned confused, because what you do sends a bunch of mixed signals to me.
I'd... i'd like to verbally call you my Heart, but there's the scare that, maybe i should not. That it's probably much more appropriate, practical and realistic not to. Which it is. Which is why i want to let go of this already. But it's harder than i wish it to be. Everything reminds me of you.
Can i just send my blog links to you? Just to let you know without having to explain things face-to-face. Lol. I'm a coward.

A depressed mess during christmas. Great. Wish you are here. But youre not. And you dont even seem to feel anything. I mean what the hell am i even wishing for. Im not reasonable.

Just about sleeping but brain fighting it and me struggling with both "sides"
Thinking of you
Imagining scenarios where we have gone past our barriers and frolic like kids whenever wherever. The laughs would be endless and for childish reasons
I still remember you acting a dance in the Manila FAME event just to tell about how energized the music is hahaha
I wish i was as not-anxious as you are. I wouldnt exactly say confident as it comes off a little negative and youre still rather humble
I wish... i wish things like this can be easily discussed like just over lunch or just at a time when you crossed each others paths on the way to the other room
Oh, thank you for the gift, as well. I wonder what MFY means but possibly just cash code. (Im gonna go check a human nature store now lolol)
Umm
The problem with a mind like mine is i tend to choose realities that indicate how inferior i am
Like i imagine that the gift set was just a gift to maybe your mom or sister and they didnt like it so off the house it goes and into my hands
Im a useless twat. Useless worthless PITA. When i stop working... people will probably just forget that i exist lol. Which is kinda nice and... no, it's not nice. It never was is or will be nice.
And
You'll be one of the first to not find anything missing or out of the ordinary

Looking at the editor and not knowing what to type lol

I kinda wanna get drunk for the first time and just cry-laugh everything away.

My feelings for you haven't changed, though i'm actively choosing to just push your presence aside, keep my brain focused on other things.

Nights before bed are the bane of my perseverance and intention.

I still think of you. You and that preppy sweater this tuesday. Jiving with the 2nd anniversary of my affections. But it really doesn't mean anything in relation to my thoughts. There's no proof that there's any connection. You're not giving me any proof, and... well. It's not really something i'd presume probable to happen, so unless you move by yourself, there's nothing to wait for...

My brain just isn't taking this very well. At all. And it's taking so much effort to try to push my thoughts aside. And umm... i'm just... i feel neglected, kinda. Yeah. Quite. For a long while now.

It's... heartbreaking, and just depressing, just depressing... to be in a situation like this, where you are suffering physically, and... not to say that no one cares, because a lot actually do, and i appreciate their concern very much... but the one person you're waiting for, the one person you wish would... worry about you, of his own volition, maybe ask how you are, or i dunno, just let specifically you know, that he's there for you... well, he does not care. He does not even... ask about, or feel curious about your situation.

It's... reality slapping you in the face... that whatever you do, if one does not like you, one does not care for you, you can't simply change that. You can't simply wish for that to happen. It highlights just how abhorring you are. Just how unattractive and boring you are. You aren't left on the sidelines for no reason.

I don't know anyone who would even have the patience to stand by me, and i'd feel goddamn lucky if we even get some mutual level of understanding about each other.

Just banish the notion now, dear. It does not help to fantasize about your ideal and place that image onto the apple of your eye... you break your own heart, dear.

But i just want to see someone who'd feel lost without me, because he has learned to give me a place in his heart, and when i'm not there his heart would feel hollow, his instincts would try to find me, and i would answer to that call, because i'm all too familiar with it...

Pag interesado ang tao, o may malasakit, o nag-aalala sa kalagayan mo, di ka nila kayang tiisin... tandaan mo yan palagi.

You know we're very different.

You have people who need you, and people you need. Your life is quite complete, experience-wise. You... you don't really seem to need anyone else.

I dunno how people do that. Be pleasantly dependent. Not fully, of course. Still with a strong dose of independence. But dependent enough to build good relationships, be it family or friends.

I don't think I have that gray area right there. I just feel like, if I'm asking for help, it's one huge favor I'm asking. It's gonna burden someone, and I don't want that, as much as possible.

And umm... i apply it to all facets of my life. So... it's not comfortable opening up to people too much because i feel like... they might get too burdened by me. Too involved. I might be wasting their time and energy by being a selfish person, hogging it all to myself.

S'why i would really, really appreciate it if someone consistently took up burdens for me. I mean, i don't want to give all my burdens of course, that's ridiculous and very callous, but... i guess it's just the sincerity and willingness that i want to see.

That's why i treasure the little favors you silently do for me. Those are worth so much in my eyes. But... i wish it was the same in your standards? I wish... you understood how much appreciation i feel for those things... so that you'll also understand me, and maybe understand your motives too, then decide to either stop or continue with it...

It's monday. I'm in the hospital accompanying mum while she's confined. She has some bad digestive problems and/or infections.

Work will be waiting 'til i get back. Possibly this friday.

Kinda hoping i can go back to work by then. Kinda hoping i can't.

Mmm... i know i'm not a communicative person. I'm... i'm dumb in that sense. Or maybe i just... i'm just really picky with the people i feel comfortable with.

But... sometimes - and this is one of those times - sometimes i wish others took the initiative to talk to me. Not... not in a manipulative, shallow way.
I mean sometimes it's nice to be asked some really random question, in my perspective, but somehow it would contain an informative answer for you.

You don't get that from acquaintance level people though. Unless they actually are curious.

I still wonder, though, how people can live without having that inner "antenna"... oh, but who am i to talk, haha. I've thought some people worthy to be friends with and got the opposite side of the coin.

It would just feel nice to be surprised that someone you don't expect to miss you, but you wish would miss you, misses you. I think i'm not alone in that feeling.

Just my thoughts though. Just some wish.

I am being a selfish twat.
I still want to justify my needs, but no matter what i say, to myself or to others, im still being selfish, and i feel guilty about it.



I dont want these problems, these complications, anymore. I never wanted them, actually. Things havent changed... for the better.
As much as i want to be fully independent, i... cant. Im too stupid to be independent. Im too dependent to be independent.

I umm... i'll just wish both our situations good turns to come. And stay.
I'll just wish... that someday, i'll be as independent as you are. That someday, maybe you'll learn to appreciate me too, as i do you... maybe see that i can be tough too. Maybe i'll be able to live tough and independent. Then maybe you'll find me. Or not. It wouldn't matter as much anymore by that time.

You don't care. That's it, really. You don't.

"Hello~ you are always in my heart~~"

It felt like a guillotine falling on my neck earlier today when dad recalled us going to the Mercato Centrale at BGC one morning, and mentioning that we saw your cousin there selling their own brand of milktea. And i remember her, and she is... not young.

I mean, jesus. Fucking. Christ.

What is it that makes me think that you're not as old as your age?? I'm so fucking screwed. There's just... way too many bumps and craters on this road. I'm so afraid to pursue it. So hesitant to tell you. I wish you weren't as close to the family as you are now - you and yours. I feel like it's a reversal of process, where the branches intertwine before the tree had the option to grow. It's so... wrong.

Thank you for the lip balm. It will be treasured.
Even the little note haha.

But, and it might hurt that, my low confidence level and high anxiety is making me think that... i don't deserve this gift? Mm... i'm thinking that you are, like many others have done, mostly relatives, giving me something that you've either kept for so long but didn't need, or no one else wanted the lip balm so i'm the last person to receive something, probably out of an unrequired sense of necessity.

But i treasure it, still. There's some ache from thinking this way - the "if i'm right" thought trail - because... it would immediately put me in 2nd++ position again. Like always. Erm... i don't want... to be put aside anymore. I mean, it's fine if you're simply not interested, but don't... don't put me on the shelf and let me gather dust... i don't want that anymore.

And... if there is nothing to say and nothing to... commit, then let it be clear that we are just friends, nothing more.

And if there is something to hold on to, don't let me grasp at straws here. Don't let me consult oracles and crystal balls. Tell me. Tell me as it is.

Do any of these, and you do me a huge favor.

I don't want to assume anything. But my mind can be really imaginative and persuading.

I'm still keeping my wits about me, rest assured. But... but convince me that my imagination is wrong. Just help me get over this. If not... if you welcome the (destruct)distraction, then tell me too. Tell me so that i don't have to keep dreaming and waking up, over and over and over. I'm already shattered as tiny bits of broken glass. Grinding this any further is both pointless and hurtful.

You were so close then. So close...

Just utterly happy to see you again. Just contented. I don't know why. I'm not even sure if we connect mentally. I'm not even sure if i'll ever be able to keep up with you. But the fact that you're here, the fact that i can talk to you if i just mustered enough courage, the fact that we're friends and... and... that you're not "fictional" or "out of reach", makes me happy.

I hope you can at least feel that.

You know how pathetic i am?

I can imagine a lot of things. A lot of things that are, in major probability, not bound to happen. A lot of happy things that are not bound to happen.

And living in my imagination is so much happier and much more blissful than trying to survive or thrive in actuality.

But actuality calls, i have to go back. To the land of the living. The land of the sad living.

Right. I've pretty much forgotten about the picture for the work ID. Should remember it tomorrow. Forget everything else but.

No, not really. Never you.

7 days... or 9, or 10... the days will pass by quickly... busy yourself with deadlines in the meantime... you have lots to fulfill...

And teeth... worry... no. Not worry. Just take care of your teeth first...

After that, everything will be smoothly flowing again...

Give yourself some pats... you're surviving... that's good enough... no one else is gonna do that for you... i wish someone would though...

11 days more... wait some more...

Bye for now... /sigh

I-i miss you. And you'll be going away soon...

I don't even know what im feeling now haha.

I already have pretty much everything but why do i still feel empty...

... :'(

Im not in a good mood right now. I hate this anxiety gnawing at my brain. And for various reasons too.

Ugh when will all of this be over??? Ugh. Wrong happenings at all the wrong times.

pictures.

i still do not get why people love taking pictures of things.

there are pictures for recording events, for letting other people see things when they aren't there to witness it firsthand.

but why do people love taking pictures of random things? why do people love taking pictures of... groups of people in an event, or some get together between couples, or pictures of random garden subjects, maybe even dust...

i loved photography before because it put focus on things that are usually not noticed by people, but i noticed them. it's a sort of personal gratification to capture that moment, let people see what i saw. maybe give it value by putting it on its own frame.

i guess i understand that part, but it also feels like altered pride. like, hey, look at this photo, i saw it, bet you wouldn't notice it if it weren't for me.

that's just my feeling though. some people claim to use photos as a sort of self-expression. maybe if it was a staged photo, like photo shoots and modelling stuff. i kind of... cannot relate to this "self-expression", maybe besides the idea that some people may see your personality based on how you compose your photos, whether you like em dark and dreary, or bright and fluttery, soft and warm, etc.

anyway, what i'm trying to get to is that, i don't think pictures would ever be able to capture the most precious things. the most precious things only happen when you least expect them to. and they're only ever precious when you experience them firsthand. and taking a photo during a happening pretty much removes you from the happening, removes you from the event and the feelings it radiates towards viewers and maybe third-hand participants/onlookers. you do not feel shock from snapping a photo. you do not SEE shock from behind the lens. you feel shock from seeing things with your own eyes, and thus experiencing them at your core, not being blocked by this... this solid item in your hand, maybe in front of your face, shielding you from fully sensing the event.

just me though.

This was originally written on 09.17.15:

I love you so much.
I felt helplessly proud earlier, haha. That was so cute.
Erm...
I'm not supposed to be acting this way. Or thinking this way. I'm not supposed to be feeling something so embarrassing and awkward. I know you're old... old enough to be my dad even, at a not so minor age. I know we're 20 years apart.
But... i can't help it. I... i still remember the first time i met you as a conscious human. I couldn't help feeling embarrassed and ridiculously happy, like a flower suddenly closing up again from too much attention, too much beautiful sunlight. I still remember the feeling but i can't remember what i was wearing that night in chateau royale. It was probably mighty embarrassing too. Teenage days.
I forgot things for a few years after that.
Now... now, it took me a year to finally (remind and) confess to myself that i like you.
It has been 2 years since that day, almost. December 13 2013.
And... it's ridiculous how long it's been going on, and for that length of time, that i've been trying to keep it a secret, and yet i'm also looking for ways to tell you how much i love you, without having to embarrassingly expose myself to everyone...
I'm not even sure how you are, what your preference is, or if you're still interested in something like this - this feeling, this person... mostly this kind, my kind, of person...
I'm still embarrassed with myself. With my feelings for you. With how i have this feeling when i still don't know you enough.
I feel like a slut. An absolute outcast. Not to be respected. Because i developed feelings for a man who is 20 years older than me, possibly homosexual, and has, even only at a few points in time, seen me grow up.
I just want to tell you what i feel so that, at the very least, the time i spent thinking about you would have even a little meaning. The thoughts i had thought of may have a chance to lend a little joy to you. That maybe it would make you happy to know that someone loves you, one-sided as it is.
And that in itself is probably the saddest part of it all. Because i am ready to accept that it is no more bound to be more than a passing fancy. That it is no more bound to receive an equal amount of love.
I still love you, and probably always will... but either let me make peace with my heart and tell it be quiet, or let me have even a sliver of that special smile.

Monday come fast... but not too much... i miss him but i still need so much sleep too... lol what is this conundrum doing in my inner wirings...

Also thinking about what new haircut to maintain because im bored with my long hair and bangs... thinking to get something semi short/long, since the cold months wouldnt be bothering my neck as much as summer would...

I also said i wanted to pass during this birth year... it's already going 4mos from my 27th birthday... just counting. I wonder if it's THE death or some other death that's gonna happen. But do keep it on me, not on anyone else.

Still thinking about the 2 looks i got from him thursday night. 1st one is very possibly just chance. 2nd one though, felt like he waited, but still more possibly out of formality. He feels rather lonely. I wish i could unfurl the book that is him.

And this thing happening with my uncle... i was never close with my uncle... and his aura was not exactly benevolent, but trying to be... but now that he's in his predicament of a medical crisis, it makes me think of what family means... and why it entails more benefits than other relationships... which is worth more, the fact that youre family or the fact that some people, family or not, will take advantage of your helping hand without batting an eyelid... judgment is a fickle matter.

im in that state right now where when i'm not doing anything, my mind goes awry, and i get into a i'm-not-hungry-but-i-need-to-eat-something state.



i don't want to do anything anymore. i don't want to be inspired by you. i don't want my thoughts of you to affect me further. and... i can see the pattern, i can see where this is going. i'm soon gonna lose my interest in everything. this binge eating is already a start. i'm starting to lose my interest in taking care of my health. my creativity is getting boosted by my discouraging thoughts and observations though. i guess it's my form of fighting back this feeling negative placidity. i'm just so tired of everything that it's starting to show up physically.



there go my thoughts again when i saw this pin, something about people being afraid to lose "me"... there are some given people like maybe some of my friends, my parents, some relatives. but i want to know if anyone else is afraid in a different manner... afraid to lose me because they'd feel lost if i went bye-bye... that very strong, very tangible feeling of being alone... i wonder if anyone would feel it when i go.



nah. enough of this blabbering. i need lots and lots and lots of deep sleep.

Hello sir.
Hello Marvin.

I have been keeping my secret from you. I do not know how to share it to you. I do not know how to tell you about what I feel without looking like an absolute fool, during and after the telling. I do not want to tell you because I think things will change when I do.

I am also confused on whether you should know or not, because mine is not the typical story of attraction. There are too many hurdles I can see. And what's sad is that the view is too unclear, my direction hidden. If you ever give me one clear, beautiful view of this new expanse to discover, then I will wholeheartedly take on all hurdles on the way to you. But, right now, I do not have a view of things. Not even a bad one.

I don't know if I'm reading too much into your actions. I most probably am, but a heart can be blind to its bounds when it is drowning.

You are special to me, but I do not know how to show that to you.

I do not want to burden you with my immaturity and slow growth with people. I do not want something between us if it is not a mutual undertaking.

But still, I keep you in my heart. My mind is broken right now, I cannot think clearly. But remember that you are always, will always be, in my heart.

Love.

I want to tell you about my feelings right now.
I want to write you that letter now.
I want to be able to freely talk to you.
I want to know what your reaction will be, whether you'll be happy about it, or feel nothing, or think me disgusting and to be avoided.
I want an end point to all this insanity.
I want either a new chapter or the end cover. Not hanging, blank pages to ponder on.
I want to hear you talk about it, so I can move on.

Because i don't want to miss you anymore. I don't want to frantically search for you when i smell your trademark smell. I don't want to wish for you anymore. I don't want to keep thinking about possibilities anymore, both negatives and positives. I don't want to keep guessing anymore. And i don't want to keep waiting for naught anymore.

I'd like to think that i deserve better than this guessing game, but that i be honest with things, you're the best answer to my wonderings.

But i don't want to float anymore.

And yet, i also don't have any way to ask you about this...

i miss you so much. lately though, the more i think of you, and the more i wish to feel your presence, the more lonely i feel... it's not that i expect you to be there for me. i guess it's just slowly sinking in that what i would have loved to happen is something that's so far from happening.



and it hurts, even physically, to see you in person, and think i'm seeing good signs, at the same time being aware that those aren't good signs, just signs of my biased thoughts. nothing else.



i shouldn't have to wait for you empty-handed, right? i shouldn't. my inclination for learning and knowing things make this all the more painful, because i cannot get the answers that i need. it's like being stuck in years-long traffic and having the option to just walk home, but not wanting to, because it might move soon enough, and you'll be leaving your car mid-lane if it did.

I feel pathetic. Useless. Needy. Too dependent.

Validation. I need validation. For my existence. For what i feel. Validation to know that this is normal. That im just human, thus the feelings. I have not received any kind of validation for a long while. I have been living off of other people's goals for a long while now. I umm... i dunno... some kind of sincere appreciation would be nice... by sincere i mean... maybe an explanation that i could accept... maybe try to change my mind about how i feel about myself... i know. It's so dependent. I'm so dependent on other people for my happiness. I've been trying to make things right by myself. It has not been as fulfilling as when coming from the brains of others... because from others, i know that i have not staged it, i have not manipulated it. It means more, coming from others. It has more value, especially if coming from someone i look up to... that maybe someone understands the effort i am putting into things... maybe someone understands that my life is not easy for me... and how i think too much of things, maybe someone would understand that. Maybe someone could understand that work is my escape pod, and see it from the ground.
It's tiring, waiting for someone who could understand... ive been crying often, lately. I wish i could communicate my loneliness without talking. Because talking renders it meaningless... you cannot put intensity into words. I wish i could connect with someone easily.

I know that i'm not obviously indicative of who i'm pertaining to when i write posts from my hopeless romantic side, but i wish some sort of initiative would come from you... i just wish for it. It's just a dream. I want to be angry or sad. I want to be able to ask for something from you. But i don't really have the guts nor the right to do so. I shouldn't really be expecting anything. It's not like it's mutual, and i'm aware of that, and it makes it all the more frustrating. And i still want for some sort of reaction from you, some sort of care, some sort of afterthought even, some sort of specified presence for. And i feel so stupid for waiting for something that i'm not initiating, because i don't feel like i can initiate it, i don't feel like i should initiate it... because the worst kind of rejection comes from being put away to collect dust...

Gawds.

I miss you. So. Much.

I still clearly remember that look from you. But the memory is getting time-stretched in my mind.

I'm starting to develop angry feelings for the assistant. I'm feeling... threatened and... well, i just feel that she also wants for your attention. She talks a lot about what you do. She feels special. I don't know why i hate it when she's like that. Sometimes i think of "putting her in her place", but really, what place? We're just 2 equal and different people from different backgrounds. I just feel threatened with how she can easily get you if she wanted to. I think she's just stopping herself because of her life sitch now, and her fiance and 3 kids, and gossip. But she cannot, i swear, she. Just. Cannot. Keep. Her mouth. Shut. And, i dunno, control herself. I get pissed when she starts gushing. Because i do feel the butterflies too, but we don't react the same. She's just so verbal about it, and to me too. I dunno if she's not aware of the depth of my feelings or she just prefers to brush it aside to get the spotlight.

I hate when i catch myself thinking the wrong concepts, and start to correct myself, and realize that my feelings are pretty much baseless, pathetic, and/or shallow.

I love you, and that's all that should be said about it, or less. Nothing more.

i will never forget that look.



i still cannot decipher you after all this time. but i will never forget that look today. it was hesitant communication.

It should not matter that you don't really see me.
It should not matter that i miss you too much when i don't see you, and immediately worry when you should be around but you're not.
It should not matter that i wish you'd feel the same, but you will continually disappoint my hopes unintentionally.
It should not matter that you are not receptive... that you do not move first, or even, or ever.
It should not ever matter that you're so far away physically, mentally and emotionally.
But everything adds up to my questions... my worries and self-pity and self-hate... of why i cannot be with you. Why you can't see me. Why it feels like either i'm making all the wrong choices or i'm being the wrong person. Or both. Why i cannot connect with you. Why i'm too much of a sissy to be real with you. Why things should be like this. Why i should be like this.

Whatever happened to you...

You. Have. A. Perfect. Life. And... i don't... really have any place in it... i mean, i'm... not really part of anyone's plans... not really that much of a rock, or a pebble, to make waves...

Umm...

I... i feel useless haha. I feel... like i'm only here to fulfill mindless duties..... like i'm only here to fill up some annoying holes... not really anything that would matter to anyone.

I'm listening to someone on the radio right now. She's talking about her brother (?) who died during his duties... and how she's lost her faith because of this happening.

I feel so fckn insignificant compared to her. To her pain. I feel like... i should not be... i should not even be writing about my feelings haha.

Been teetering along the line of... what feels slightly like depression...

The sad is just part of it. Though i think it's the deepest one. There's... stagnancy, and tiredness, and just wanting everything to stop, and suddenly losing whatever motivation is left to reach for... feeling both rawly exposed and 7isolated... mmm... trying to consciously keep my thoughts floating above destruction...

I want to binge eat and not care anymore whether i would still wake up tomorrow or die or be kept in permanent comatose. It feels uplifting to do things that break the barrier of human limitation. It feels like being in control, knowing the possible outcomes and choosing to still do them despite the risks. The result may leave me helpless, but the process is hugely empowering.

But i'll let this pass... i'll let this off... god help keep me sane through the times that i am alone and thinking things...

my feelings seem to come in waves. but lately, i've been wanting it to disappear. like really wanting it to, having 2 voices in my head, 1 still hoping and 1 commanding it to shut up. this last voice, it's trying to make me hardheaded and determined to stop missing you.


and it's working pretty well, i think.

but it also helps that you're not being "there". your presence isn't being felt. it's helping to psych me that there is nothing to wait for.



but i think that, with this... process of forgetting, i might also became hateful. hateful towards you. hateful towards others.



i don't know if that's a good thing or not lol. but... i'm also quite tired of... running after people. waiting on people. i'll probably grow old alone haha. or just be alone, not necessarily grow old.



i don't like it when people wait on me. i don't like to butt into people's lives, schedules, work rhythms. i feel like i'm violating their personal sense of value. i take small efforts seriously, and i do the same to other people.



i sometimes wish that there would be someone willing to waste effort on me. just being there, it's actually more than enough. i don't know if i'm asking for too much, that that wish would be coming specifically from me. but... but maybe it is a lot to ask, especially from someone whose hands are filled with their own life...

Mixed feels.

i'm... happy that you're just there. I can see you pretty much everyday. That familiar smell. That laugh. The rather feminine voice and tone. I'm happy to know you.

But i'm also frustrated for different reasons. That it doesn't look like it's mutual, and yet i still get those weird, random looks from you. That i don't know how to approach you on a friendlier, more personal level. That i can't see any kind of... platform to build rapport with you. Mmm... that i'm not sure how to go about this. I'm frustrated that, if it's hard to confess to someone my age and my league, it's so much harder to confess to you, because we're absolutely, entirely, on different levels, in different spaces. I'm frustrated that i'm hoping too much for something that doesn't look peacefully, harmoniously possible. And much more so because as much as i'm thinking about this, as much as i keep thinking about you, and as much as i keep thinking about my feelings for you, it is also as much quietness and hard walls that i'm facing from you.

I don't know if i want to let this go.
I don't know if i want to let you go, accept that you're just who you are and you're not gonna change for me.
All those INFP things tell me that i view the world through rose-tinted glasses. It appears to be true, and it's sending me further down the path of misery and disappointments.
I'm just... just really... meh, now. Just... a mix of furious, frustrated, hopeless, hopeless wishing, a still fighting heart, attachment and detachment. And it isn't making things any better or any clearer.

:,(

Sorry...

I don't even know what to think anymore...
I should just quit thinking about you and force myself to see this thing... this not-thing... as someone who doesn't have any feelings about this...
sorry for being so awkward...
I umm...
I got kinda worried, but also kinda jealous, and was very much clueless, about why you didn't go to work this tues and wed. Lol.
Erm...
I dunno... i... i was holding to that "see you tomorrow", which shoulda been monday, but i didn't get to go to work because i got really sick... and then you didn't go to work the next day... it just felt like... i dunno how to put it in words properly... like i have a responsibility which i didn't get to fulfill, and it has turned back towards me.

Sorry. Just getting carried away. I shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be like this.

...

"See you tomorrow"

I miss(ed) you. :(
But they didn't look worried that you were absent today, so im just gonna guess that you had a schedule of sorts. I hope thats all it is.

smiles~

It's the little laughs that i most remember, that i most remember fondly...

gods above. i don't know why i never learn to stop looking for you.



if you weren't such a... gentleman, i wouldn't be falling so hard.



i don't even know anymore hahaha. i'm so pathetic. this is so hopeless. i'm so ugly, so useless, so not-driven, i don't even know why i'm hoping for this to happen. it would only serve you embarrassment if this happens.

Hmm.

Why do i often catch you looking at me?
It's giving me ideas but i don't want to rely on them too much unless you confirm things yourself...

Are you even human

Everything reminds me of you.
I even just dreamed of you. You were still the same sweet, helpful, thoughtful and down-to-earth guy, even in my dreams.
I miss you very much when i don't see you (which is just like every sunday lol, and most saturdays), and it's weird that i do, but i can't much approach you when you're there. Sigh. Awkward me. Lol.

Hi. I hope you see this.

I need you.
I'm a little scared about my health right now, plus my parents' health. Umm... I don't need to be baby-ed or pampered. I just... wish you were here, and we were close enough so that you could understand my fears and doubts, and just listen. That's all, really. Just listen a bit. Just so that i know that someone still can hear me and accept that this is what goes through my brain every day.
I would... love for that person to be you. I imagine you to be that kind of person. Kind and comforting. Not a spoiler, but brings unfailing support on tough times.
But i'm just imagining it. I'm just imagining your personality. Just imagining how it would be if we were together. I've only created an image of you in my head. There's really nothing to... know, or prove.
I'm not even sure if i'm expecting things the right way haha. You'll be needing tonsss of patience with me.

What's the peanut butter, matter?

Just wondering how things would go once you learn about my blog entries lol. And how it would be when vis a vis.
Is this just infatuation because shit it's been... 1year and going 7mos.
I also just realized earlier today that i'm almost "lagpas na sa kalendaryo". For those of you who don't live in the PH, it's a filipino expression, literally translated as "gone past the calendar", meaning that you've gone past the 30th day of a month, comparing the day to your age.
I'm 3years til the end of my calendar and i've never had a boyfriend hahaha.
It doesn't actually matter to me that i've never had one. I'm just thinking if maybe i'm not... normal enough, or lovable enough, or something enough, to be admired. I'm not gonna lie about it, it makes me feel sad and insecure about myself. I should be able to admire myself and not have to look for admiration from others, but i don't trust myself to do that because my mind can sometimes walk different paths without me noticing. As it is, i sometimes feel like i'm one huge braggart.

Oh yeah. How the heck do you differentiate between a secure person and braggart anyway? Braggarts go both ways too.
Too many factors. Hah.

But yeah. You always hear people say stuff like be strong on your own, know your worth, stand tall and be who you are, don't need nobody's opinion, etc. But you also get bombarded with be humble, actions speak louder than words, your actions will speak for you, the lord delights in... humble people or summat like that.

I think i'll just stick to what sounds about right for me, and stay away from the things that other people do and which i find annoying or unpleasant.

But do i also need to market myself like... an alpha female to everyone, best partner, marriage material etc etc (im not marriage material btw, so far)?

I sometimes find it incredible how the most mischievous ones get all the attention.

I think i'll just wait.
Maybe for him, maybe not. Let's see what happens.

Hello, you are miss(ing)ed.

I still remember that first contact of our hands/fingers. It was electric. Surprisingly electric. I dunno if you felt it too. It was literally charged and i was kind of surprised by it. I couldn't help but feel awkward about it at that moment, that I had to hide the developing blush on my face. Haha.
Those weird moments. Weird, memorable, markedly different moments.
I miss you. Very much. You don't seem interested in my shared post. Could be you didn't see it, or it simply wasn't interesting to you, or you're just not looking for anyone or anything anymore. I can't do much about that. But i still miss you. I still want to see who you are, how you are, and what gives.

Anxiety

I miss you with the anxiety of unsure acceptance and approval.
I don't need you to share the same feelings, though it would be a huge bonus if you did. I just wish it wouldn't affect our friendship or work relationship.
I'll just go hide under that rock now. You can knock if you need me.
(I think the opportunity is lost now though. I dunno if tomorrow can present new chances.)

a wondering.

View image | gettyimages.com

he is beautiful.

i would say perfect, but no one is perfect, and so is he, and that makes him a perfect human being.

he walks, and moves, like a cat.

there is a quietness about him, surrounded by the intensity and busyness of thoughts overlapping.

his voice, and his laugh, sound like the sound of bubbles from the falling of river water, fragile and feminine, with masculine echo.

he is slim, very slightly wiry with veins.

he is tall, and he is light footed, and he is aged with purpose.

he smells of... baby powder, a very thick blanket of baby powder.

his soul is youthful, his mind quick.

he looks... trapped. i do not know what from, who from, whence.

there is an indecipherable deepness to him, that i would love to dive in, if he would let me.

there is a hunger in his eyes, in his being. searchlights, dimming and brightening.

there is a veil over him. i have only seen it, heard it, lifted a few times.



i... i do not know what makes this man.

i have no history, no background, no facts, to base on.

i only have whispers, gossips. i think i trust my eyes more.

all these things, and all these notions, mixing and building an image that is either too vague, or too clear.

i do not know whether to accept these things, or to justify his being and create another image of him, a more accurate one, as based on what i see.



but i cannot see with clarity.

i cannot see with clarity when my eyes are covered with affection.

i cannot see with clarity when i am veiling my own eyes.

and mostly, i cannot see with clarity, if the man himself, hides.

...

I feel so certain of you i don't even know why. All rational signs point the other way but i can't seem to stop thinking of you, being concerned about you, collecting information about you, trying to learn who you are and how you are.

I wish it was so easy to just stop... stop and let things be...

I feel like im in no position to try things out... dictate things... do the first move... so i'll just wish that i either stop loving you or you show me a sign of mutuality. I wish it is mutual, but that feels like a long shot.

Fitzgerald

Your photograph is all I have: it is with me from the morning when I wake up with a frantic half dream about you to the last moment when I think of you and of death at night. ―F. Scott Fitzgerald

I don't have frantic dreams of you, but you appear in my dreams like you've been and will be part of my life permanently, sitting side by side on a round dinner table, watching you walk and do things. I don't have a proper photo of you just yet, but that's what facebook is for, yes? I can stalk you all i want (and no im not doing anything illegal, just missing your presence a lot and trying to unravel your mystery).
My whole day revolves around the thought of getting to know you more. And you have no idea because i wouldn't dare tell. But if you know, then do tell me, so i wouldn't have to suffer in silence any longer. The embarrassment will be permanent, im not sure if i can live with it, but at least i'll see where the road goes.
For now though, i love you, and keep yourself well. You're a prize catch, y'know.

...

I need... miss... you.
I still wonder if i pass by your mind...
You seem to ask about me quite a bit... or at least as far as i've heard.
A bit of wellwishing from you right now would make me very happy.
I can kind of imagine a scenario... of you taking care of me. I want that to happen, but i don't really have the... right, to wish for it. I don't even have the means.
It frustrates me to no end that these are our circumstances. That we were born at our times and are connected in this manner. And it frustrates me that i feel so... scared, of breaking concepts, for you.
I  myself find it weird that i'm attracted and have grown fond of a man 20 years my senior... seriously though, you don't even look 40. Lol. I guess that tricks me too.
But you... people keep trying to put a label on you... lots of people think you are gay. Even i have some doubts, i must admit. But you confuse me. To me, you feel straight, or bisexual at most, but you don't feel exclusively homosexual. At the same time, you feel like an adult who responds to and does his adult duties, but still feels and acts like a... young adult, maybe. It's like you're stuck in the young adult limbo, to me. Which also adds to your charm, to be honest.
But whatever you are, i can say that i'm in love with what i'm seeing, hearing, smelling even, lol. I want to know you more, and learn to love whatever else is there.
But right now... i just wish for a get well or rest well message from you. That's all...

i'm feeling plagued by some really bad decisions/moves i made.

you know it's bad when you're listening to mark ronson's uptown funk and your thoughts still overtake the music.

i'm not sure if i should have done something else besides saying no and giving those reasons. i'm not sure if it had any effect, and/or what the effects are, or maybe there was no effect whatsoever.



i'm such a sorry excuse for a human being i don't even... sigh



i'd want a very direct message from you, but then there wouldn't really be any message if there isn't anything to tell, right?



so i'll just be left hanging here, thinking stupid thoughts to myself... assuming shit and making it up out of thin air... i don't even know how to interpret this... i'm so bad at understanding human relations that i make incredibly off assumptions...



i feel so fucking guilty over something that i'm not even sure about... so pathetic...



i'd like to think that there was either no effect or there was an effect on you, because you feel something as well... but it might be very, very, veeeeerryy far from that. so i just... i have to train myself to not assume shit... yeah. that's mainly it.

Mark this day

I'm so sorry for saying no huhuhuhhu
I don't mean to reject you or keep away from you but i'm afraid of the repercussions both immediate and in the future
I don't want to be a burden to you but please know that everything you do is very much appreciated and treasured
Everything, even the smallest gestures
I feel so stupid and guilty and i want to cry for being a total sissy like this i'm so sorry
But i am grateful for everything
I appreciate the offer to drive me home
I'm surprised, to be honest, pleasantly surprised
I'm just mostly grounded by fear of judgment and the idea that i'll be furthering the time it takes for you to get home and just being a clumsy burden altogether
But i love you and i hope i could show that in some way, that'll make your life easier, even the littlest things i could do to help you, i would do them if it would make you feel better
I hope for chances and shit but i'm so scared to move
How fucking lousy is that

...

I sometimes wonder whether I really am an artist or not...
There's a thing about belonging and/or feeling at home in a niche of people who are similar to you. It helps you build up confidence mutually, with your friends in that niche.
I can relate and jive with my current artist friends except for when it comes to our interests. Then i get left out.
Sometimes i, at work, also feel like i'm not fit to do my job... i'm not good enough or talented enough for it...
It's making me feel... like i havent found my place yet. Like im not doing the world a service because i havent yet found my full potential. Like... people are laughing behind my back thinking "she doesn't know what she's doing god bless her."

Color Oracle test

This is so true it kinda scares me. Haha.

Your General Disposition
At the present time, your behavior is characterized by your need for a feeling of success. You willingly invest a great deal of energy. At the same time, though, you feel that your actions receive too little attention, acknowledgment and recognition from the people your efforts are aimed at. You find this difficult to understand since your actions prove again and again that you are good willed and giving your best.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Pleasing
Of great importance to you now is...

...vigorous self-assertion.
You now want to pull out all the stops in order to achieve what you have planned. Your chances are good because if you feel something is important you are able to show initiative, grab the opportunity spontaneously and act with vigor. You can also display energetic efforts in your personal relationships: if you love or admire someone you are prepared to undertake quite a bit in order to win or hold on to his affection. You utilize a major portion of your powers for...

...loving attention.
You attempt to use your kindness to gain the affection of other people, and thanks to your charming ways, you usually succeed. You are happy when you can be with someone who shows you warm-heartedness, sympathy and understanding and with whom you can share the enjoyable things of life: delicious food, beautiful music, a comfortable home and, last but not least, the pleasurable exchange of physical affection. You hope your life will become more agreeable through...

...a thorough solution to your problem.
You can see it is now time to get up on your hind legs. You want to carry out your plans carefully and thoroughly and not be diverted from them. You take your tasks seriously and are not satisfied with half-hearted solutions or superficial answers. On the contrary, you try to get to the bottom of things, and you seek a radical solution to your problems. In the face of your personal problems you also concentrate on...

...unwavering stability.
Regardless of difficulties, criticism or objections, you are determined not be dissuaded under any circumstances from the things you consider to be right. This strongly driven attitude masks an inner insecurity that probably stems from the fact that your faith in a person you are close to, in people in general or in the justness of fate has been seriously shaken. When you are beset by problems you say to yourself: Don't panic! I can get help from my...

...the wisdom to avoid risks.
You give careful thought to what you do and what you say to whom. You hide your emotions and objectives behind a friendly but inscrutable mask in order to protect yourself from unpleasant confrontations and criticism. Your caution and reserve can be a sign of intelligence but also an expression of underlying fears. It would do you good to reveal your emotions and fears to someone you feel very close to in order to break through the wall of mistrust that you have erected around yourself. When you are pressured by problems, your internal computer screen displays the recommendation...

...restful relaxation.
Due to the fact that stress and interpersonal conflicts are straining your nerves, you are in need of more frequent periods of undisturbed calm in which you can lean back, relax comfortably and regenerate. The things that would help you most, aside from adequate sleep, are a professionally led relaxation therapy or a regular practice of yoga and meditation.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Unpleasant
At the moment you feel most anxious due to your...

...fear of rejection.
You often feel isolated from other people by an invisible wall, and sometimes you get the creeping feeling that even the people you like don't really love you and possibly even reject you. On the other hand, you enjoy standing out from the crowd with your willfulness, unusual views and egocentric behavior. Your “distinctiveness trip” does win you attention, but not the warm-hearted affection you require. You get an uneasy feeling due to your...
Your unconscious advises you to:

...distressing relationship problems.
At the moment, you are more aware of your personal needs, worries and problems, and this makes contact with others more difficult. Your relationship difficulties make you all the sadder because, under the current conditions, you need loving attention more than usual. It would be easier for you to get what you need if you were better able to put yourself in the other person's shoes. You inwardly sigh over your...

...exhaustingly stressful situation.
The difficulties you are presently forced to deal with sometimes cause you distress and tax your energies. Instead of altering or leaving this situation, you heroically attempt to hold on and to act as if nothing were bothering you. In this way, you overextend yourself and become the victim of your own ambitious need to prove how strong you are. Your momentum has faded considerably due to your...

...fear of misunderstanding.
You are fairly well convinced of your personal viewpoints, and you are certain that your needs, demands and plans are justified, but you fear others will show no understanding for them. In reality, you are often faced with misunderstanding, reserve or resistance because you are stubborn and a know-it-all. But you hardly let yourself be put off your stride. Other people show very little understanding for your...

...internal anxiety.
Tasks not yet accomplished, difficulties or a painful situation keep you constantly on the move and in a state of inner tension. You often study your problems, going round in circles, and have difficulty shutting off this mental merry-go-round. This situation will only change when you screw up the courage to work through your internal emotional problems. You are unclear what to do regarding your...

...frustrating situation.
You are in an unpleasant situation that hinders you from doing the things that are in line with your inclinations and needs. You find this all the more frustrating because you basically believe that someone who plays an important role in your life is to be blamed for your unfortunate situation. With this belief, you create a comfortable position for yourself and stand in the way of improving your circumstances.

i'm pushing this too much...

i mean, what could be there anyway... lol

not like there's anything out of the ordinary happening.

i'm
just putting highlights over things that should not have highlights,
but mean so much to me because my mind is telling me i'm being noticed
by someone i like...

really. how desperate can i be hahahaha.

even my mom hates me lol what sort of stupidity can i have that i still expect other people to maybe like me a bit.

if i can't even get a little... support... or acceptance, from my own family, what more from others...

i'm
very, very normal... i don't have weird inclinations (by weird i mean
things that society might find weird) besides the fact that i like you,
age distance be damned... but i dunno... i guess i'm still not good
enough. don't think i'll ever be.



sometimes it's nicer
to stay in a sort of stagnancy than to keep trying to change and be
liked... but not be true to yourself... but it might also mean a
personal trap of sorts... and i'm kinda losing the will to fight it
off... i don't know if this good or bad. but i guess you get both from
any experience.

... ~x~

My posts have no direction whatsoever. Just repeatedly hitting a concrete wall with these.

I wish we had something in common that would allow us to interact with each other.

So far, there's not a lot of that. So... I can't really observe you, and thus I won't be able to see if we can be good friends, at the very least.

I feel that with time, we can see each other at level. I just think we have a lot in common. At least based on what I'm seeing so far, which, I know, isn't a lot, but everything helps.

I sometimes wonder about the things you... "seem" to be doing.

I also wonder why you seem to be walking slightly differently, earlier.

But really, your age doesn't matter to me. I don't know if mine does you, or even whether you think about it at all. But if you ask me, I like you as you are. Age and short beard and toothpick thinness and all lol. I really do. I just wish I could tell you all of this myself.

Oh and, hello M Z. I think that's your pinterest account? Lol. Just guessing.

...

Why do you keep making me swoon...
It's kinda sad that i prefer to think of things with realism, and realism, to me, means that you have no feelings for me whatsoever, and that you're just naturally adorable and sweet, whether it be me or everyone/anyone else.
I don't want to keep thinking of your actions as signs of affection... i'm afraid of the very possible disappointment that would come with it... but i also don't much know how else to interpret it... i don't want to think of your actions as efforts... efforts towards befriending me or further... but my mind is screwing up and going against all the directions i'm trying to direct it to, and going back to those interpretations...
I cannot help but adore you... in the cuter sense of the word... though also possibly further... quite possibly...
But it's such a huge... undertaking... commitment... it's scary and very risky... but i like you very much... right now though, i'm just gonna try to hide all this. Hide and... control myself... keep from looking all embarrassed and shit. And maybe... just maybe... hope that you see this post, my posts, about you. That you would understand... without me having to face you and grow fruits of doubt in front of your eyes...

...

Do. Not. Think. Anything. Of it.
Do, and it'll only throw you down harder.
There's nothing clearly specific about anything he has done. Don't ASSUME anything. If he doesn't declare, DON'T ASSUME.

2 days worth of closeness

Why do you keep giving me reasons to stay...
I feel so selfish liking you this much... but also awkward and weird haha. But yeah... it feels selfish and... i might be suffocating you silently and without your knowledge...
I just want to tell you what i feel... but it also feels like if i do, id be triggering an avalanche...

i REALLY, REALLY should just let you go.



there's just nothing. nothing. at all. no... no how are yous, no concern, no... i'm not exactly sure what i'm expecting but i mean... if there was something, i think i should be able to feel it, see it happening, some sort of effort... some kind of... push, nudge, towards that direction. but there's absolutely nothing.



i've been single my whole life. there were some long spans of time when i wasn't inspired by anyone. this should be easy... right? this should be let-go-able. this should not be haunting me so much. i should not be feeling so much disappointment over this, when there was nothing to begin with. i guess i just wanted to expect something. i just wanted some kind of... reaction, or correct prediction, or an answered wish, where i didn't have to disrupt the flow of... destiny, or whatever you call it. fate. some written down course of actions. where i didn't have to consciously preempt something, but it would be destined for me, and i would love it so much, and it would be life's most wonderful gift and i will cherish it until my life ends.



i'm disappointed, and down, that you do not even care a tiny bit... you do not even ask, you're not even curious for chrissakes...



but... it simply justifies the more realistic idea that i don't mean anything to you, right? it doesn't affect me if our other workers don't care, don't ask, because they don't mean anything personal to me. you, on the other hand, you hit hardest, because you mean so much to me, you dumb piece of shit. dumb and numb piece of shit. i keep waiting for anything from you. even the slightest changes. but there's just nothing. it hits me hardest that it's you, and it's you who doesn't care, who thinks nothing of me. this person, who means the world to me, does not think the same way of me.



i've never been good at this... i've never been good at choosing the right people. maybe it just fits me best to be alone. i dunno.

maybe other people fit in better with other people. not with me. not ever with me.

why is mutual such a hard concept to obtain...

you make me cry because you do not do anything...

I'm jealous.

I feel jealous when you talk to her...
I feel jealous and, somehow, angry...
I feel like... i'm a shadow... to you...
Like... she takes the spotlight and... takes all of it...
I feel like I'm... suddenly the underdog... suddenly the subordinate... like i am suddenly... useless...
Which i probably am to you...
And how she relishes it... i want to slap some sense into her... break that rock-hard skull of hers...
But i do not have the right to be this way...
How do you ever do it... break my heart without doing anything...?

There is no life to my existence.

I've been a diabetic for... going 19 years. Type 1.
It did not much matter to me before when my results were erratic. And they just continued to be erratic even to the present.
A DM sufferer is supposed to practice life as one huge daily routine. To be honest, I can't live with that. I just can't. I. Fucking. Can't.
I was born a rebel, though not a boisterous one. I've been fighting rules since I was a kid. There are things that just don't make sense to me, in that i do not find them practical, enjoyable or efficient, or all three. Right now, I still keep fighting the idea of a rather boring life for a DM sufferer. I love the idea of spontaneity.
I wish DM was something that I can keep in control through simple means. Maybe just taking a pill every meal time. And then you can go hiking or camping alone or walking somewhere far or... just something that isn't limiting.
I was told that I needed a regular activity.
I don't have the motivation to do it. My mind just rebels against it. I don't want it.
And I'm tired of the thought of it. Of the thought of doing an activity, daily injections, daily blood tests, daily food control... daily control everything... i don't want it anymore...
If anyone feels good about their diabetes, if anyone feels free with it, or feels that they have finally attained freedom from it... well, no, you haven't. No one ever has... this is a slow, painful, frustrating death...

from berlin-artparasites: 



"I
love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text
messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication
be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are
absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love
saying, Kiss me harder, and You’re a good person, and, You brighten my
day. I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.


Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible
to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like,
in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them,
touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the
couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.


We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in
control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never
know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming.”

—Rachel C. Lewis, Tell The People You Love That You Love Them



how do i tell you? i cannot even talk with you casually. we're both such walls.

i wish i could though.

...

So many things in mind. All the same things. Over and over and over again.
---
I miss you. I wish i could just get a decent "no" from you so that i could stop dreaming of being with you.
---
Whenever i see my friends posting stuff about their parents... maybe birthdays or simple dine outs or just a random picture... i keep wondering if im just incredibly selfish for not feeling the same way for my parents.
I wish someone could tell me just what is happening to me.
I dont trust myself enough to believe that my judgments are justifiable...
---
Im tired.
I went to trek trinoma alone today. People watching and exploring are nice. I got some looks too so i suppose im improving a bit. Still awkward though.
But i keep looking for you. I keep hoping to see you.
I think that thinking of you is tiring me out. Its like theres a tornado in me wanting to come out and after you. But im gonna keep it bottled up until either it slowly melts away or you give me a go signal.
---
Im also thinking about when le cousin came by to deliver some goodies from HK. I honestly thought all of the bags were ours, based on his body language. I dont know if he noticed my movement. It was embarassing. I mighta looked greedy there. I dunno. At least my conscience is clear.
---
To end... i still miss you. I still wish for you.

...

It's sad that i find it awkward to tell you, but i really love you. At least as much as i know you. I wish i could communicate better, and with you.

...

Ugh. Jfc. Why do you have to talk to me whenever i want to get you out of my mind? Why'd you have to be so damn adorable? It feels like a big mistake to like you this much.
I don't understand the looks either. Maybe you just want to talk, communicate with me, because i'm usually quiet around you... and i'm sorry about that. I'm just not good at talking with crushes. The feeling would probably just go away when i start to become comfortable talking with you. I dunno. I kind of want, and kind of not want, that to happen.

I love you. I'm sorry. So sorry.

I cry

It's so hard to get over you... i don't know if it's just because of age and experience or if it's because it's you that i'm finding it hard to let go of my feelings for you. I also don't know why my brain is somehow whispering to me that you'll be the last, i'm sure of you. It's arguing with itself, myself, about how sure i am with you.
If you could please give me something bad to latch onto, so i could have something of you that is bad, that could tell me, and remind me on the years after, that you're not my one.

i wonder what it would take for me to confess to you.

i'm not seeing any kind of mutuality in this. so i don't really see any motivation to confess...

i know that i should have been over you, like, months ago. many months. it's been a year and +-5months now.

i wish it was easy to tell you how much i like you. how much i worry about you when you don't seem well. or when you're absent. i wish it was a normal thing to do. an everyday thing.

i want to be there for you, but i don't know how, and i don't know what my place is with you.

i still treasure the little times that you actually see me being there. being opaque and alive. i still appreciate that time when you asked me if anyone will be taking me to that birthday dinner. i don't know if the ice cream was for me or if it was just pure coincidence. when you offered ointment while i felt woozy at work. i also don't know how it happened that you got a flat tire near my house, when i don't think you would normally pass that route. were you really on the way to get me? maybe? pretty big chance that's a yes, but i still don't want to believe it.

i'm very, very unsure about a lot of things.

i want it to come from you clearly and directly. i want a clear declaration.
i do appreciate everything, IF everything actually was done to tell me something. IF. but yeah, IF. i will never be sure of this. i will always be scared with things like this. i want you, and i like you a lot, but i don't want another shot at rejection. i'm not good at dealing with these things.

if only things like this were so easy to share...

Vacations

I wonder what you're doing right now. Or, well, not right now as in right this moment, because you'd obviously be sleeping lol. But i wonder how your day was. How you spent it.

It's 4 days of not seeing you. (Though im kinda happy about that. I hate my pimples you know. Wouldnt really wanna show up with em. Lol.)

...

Ive been feeling sorta sick these past few days... and all of these pimples showing up on my forehead and nose, and these ones on my chin that left a buncha marks... i miss my pretty-clear skin back then. It wasnt as bad as this, with all these black-red marks.

So much for trying to be pretty. Having these skin products with me makes me feel like a prima donna. And its just facial cleanser, astringent, moisturizer and concealer. I mean really. Other girls seem to have a buncha vanity products, enough to fill a whole shelf floor, and they seem to love everything. I wonder if they do use everything everyday lol.

But besides all that... my cough is not going away, and neither is the blood/phlegm smell... it always comes back.

I think my deterioration might be quickening a bit. I dont know if its because im not taking care of myself enough or if this is really the road im destined to take...

...

Been a while.

I dont actually know what to write haha.

Im trying to live life for myself.

Ive been... busy with work. Preoccupied with the act of artful creation (wipes nose). No, really. Work has been both fulfilling and taxing. But im thriving. I like this feeling. It revives me.

But umm...
I still dont know what to make of you. Haha. Still wanting to figure that out, and not fall into assumptions.

You smell different. I dont know if anyone else can smell you. Im guessing they do though. Just dont notice it as much..? Or got used to it enough.

Ive also been seeing my flame from HS in my dreams. 2 consecutive dreams now. 1st one showed him surprised by my current look. 2nd one he told me it was us. I think im just being affected by his and his girlfriends pictures together. Shes a lucky girl, i think. Theres still a little twang in my heart, a little pain, when i see pictures of him. Though right now, i cant imagine why id liked a guy like him, haha.

So...

I just want to reach out to phd... in some way. I dont know how. I also cant really keep up with his chattiness and joyous demeanor, unless we mentally connect in some way.

I really shouldnt hope too much.

Sleep

Good night, love. I hope we'll see each other in our dreams. Good dreams.

so uhh...



it kinda looks like we've both built walls around ourselves.



we're both just knocking on shells, it looks.



or maybe just me, only me who's knocking.



you've prolly no idea but you've been fitting into my thoughts really well. i mean, even my slice-of-life dreams include you. kinda worrisome, kinda mind-boggling, kinda happy. but also heartbreaking, because it looks like it'll just be in my dreams. at least for now. if things don't change.



kinda hoping they change, in a good way. but i'm also not sure if this is something i'm willing to risk.



i mean, i wish it would be an easy transition, a natural one, not the sort where i'd (we'll) suddenly feel the pressures of friendship, relationship, reliance etc. emphasis on pressure.



i'm thinking this way even though i don't even know if i'll be welcome to you haha. i'm leaping great distances. i might need to run back lots more.



i don't want to think about you anymore. that same not-want as i knew i'd keep feeling as long as i feel for you.



i wish i could just flick a switch and everything would be back to normal. acquaintances as acquaintances.



no, really, 3+ years and still acquaintances, it feels.



pfah. too much hope. it's already starting to cost me my happiness. kinda like a huge investment. it returns, but does not return in 150%. only like 10-20%. then takes everything back.

Thoughts and unspeakable words...

Do you really not see me?
Do you really not notice anything?

Sorry. I know it's just personal preference and shit like that... i mean i know im not really part of... that area of your life... if you dont talk about it then it most probably isnt my business...

Its just somehow overlapping with my hatred for myself... for being not enough for anything...

I get so conscious when youre around that i tend to lose all my ideas...

Im just not natural like this... on this...

I wish that i could actually see some sort of... stimuli, reassurance from you. But thats a wish for one of the extremes isnt it? I mean maybe this is better, this friendship, acquaintance is better, than nothing at all...

But im still curious about you. Im still... wondering about how your mind works. How you think and feel. What matters most to you. Maybe your sources of joy. A lot of missing becauses to a lot of my whys. I just want to know you more, be able to appreciate you more, know how your mind works.

But this isnt exactly easily accessible to me... and im making chances smaller by being so awkward... im sorry...

I want to tell you all of this but i cant...

...

just after i rant about my anger and frustration towards god, you wear a friggin' cross necklace.

i honestly didn't notice it personally. the madam did, and told me about it. how it was so small and thin, and it looked girly, and you looked like a girl with it.

but i don't care what kind of cross you're wearing. i just know that you're wearing one. and right now, it feels like a statement of total rejection towards me.

i'm probably being too emotional about this, and being too affected over something that isn't even confirmed to be done for me, or in retaliation of my beliefs. but the timing is unbelievably uncanny, and... i would've wanted a little understanding, more than anything... i would've wanted a little support. from anyone, even.

not an ounce of it. or, not in real life, that is.

i think my intuition was right when i felt that i wanted to know ahia david more. i was attracted to him like i would be to a mentor.

he is, so far, one of the gentlest souls, both in the family and among all, that i've ever met. and i'm thankful for him being there. i will never stop wishing him happiness.

Talking talents that do not exist

It's frustrating how i can't talk to you beyond work...

I miss you so much even though we see each other every workday. It's like you're there but you're just a walking talking hologram...

I missed you. I miss you. I will always miss you. And that smell hahaha. It's stuck with you. I think I'll always identify you with that smell. Like i did before with my first love and his particular smell.

I wish that electric zap way back would happen again. That was definitely different.

Why do i act/think like i'm so sure of you? I'm so friggin screwed orz

Pokerface

Always hanging...

Doesn't help that we have such same personalities.

I hope a day comes when i could just hug you tightly and you will understand completely. And i hope it can be reciprocated.

It's just so awkward right now, with nothing to build on...

Hmm.

I think I just had the most number of eye contact with you within the past 2 days. Why do you look at me? I'm not sure of what you're trying to indicate. I mean I sometimes feel like you're curious about my reactions, judging, but at other times, I feel like you're seeking approval from me.

Kinda weird, but I think I might be doing the same to you. I think we're sort of mirroring each other, not sure if intentionally doing so or not, but probably not..?

Stationary dilemma

I cannot stop thinking about you.
I think about you when i wake up.
I think about you when i'm picking out my clothes for the day.
I think about you during bath time, during breakfast, while waiting for my ride.
I think about you when i get to work. Whether you're already there or whether you're coming to work.
I think about what you might be wearing that day.
I think about you while working. Possible chance circumstances that may let us talk comfortably, or just quietly be in the same room, noting each other's presence and using that to focus on the work before us.
I think about you when work ends for the day.
I think about you when going home, wondering what time you'll be going home yourself.
I think about mentally bidding you goodbye and seeing you again tomorrow.
I think about you when i get home, and me and dad eat dinner. I think about how dinner would be like if it were between us two. I wonder if it would be enjoyable and heartwarming and filling, as any meal should be.
I think about you while washing the dishes, wondering what you would have been doing at that moment.
I think about you as i properly keep all the dishes and whatnots, and then lock up the house and go upstairs.
I think about you as i go online and check your friend ranking and your profile, in case you posted something new.
I think about you as i go to sleep.
I think about you all the time, but for now, i will sleep. I hope i dream of you.

Hay...

How are you? Wonder what happened to your mum...

Ive been putting meaning on everything you do... though i know that all of it is pointless unless i hear it from you yourself...

I love you... i hope you love me back... i hope there will come a time when i dont have to write down my feelings anymore, instead directly saying them to you... and i hope the time comes when you feel the same way, when we both feel comfortable around each other...

I keep hoping...

i've been harboring my feelings for you for more than a year now, but i still question why i do...



i don't think i'm mature enough to handle this. not even mature enough to get into a relationship. i feel like... i'm too childish to be in one...? i feel like i still don't know a lot of things to even be thinking of... you. of being with you. and... maybe i'm not "adult" enough just yet...?



i kind of feel that it's a good thing no one has tried courting me yet. i know that i don't exactly want to show interest either, because i'm scared of the notion of being... courted? i mean, i would like it, and i would love to feel that i'm appreciated by someone and someone's interested in who i am, but i'm scared of how formal it could get. meeting the parents, asking for permission to go out, trying to fit someone into your life... it feels tedious, maybe stressful, very obligatory, to be doing these things.



do these things come naturally with the right person?



possibly? maybe? maybe if the couple in the relationship/courtship stage is mature enough, maybe it would be natural to them. and to the spectators. and other people involved. maybe.



i'm still just... cautious about it though. it's a very new experience, if ever, and it involves other people, and involves showing your emotions, being vulnerable to many people, especially to that one person who you wish to be part of your life, but still has the chance to not want/be in your life in the future. it's scary.

chahnees nyuu yiiah



putting the holidays on the wrong days. hah.

i guess it's okay though. i can still see you on friday, before the week ends.



i wish everyday would mean better relations between us. better talks. better comfort. mmm... maybe better friendship.

Vday? What vday?

Yeah so, valentines went by like one of em normal, boring days.
I had kinda wanted it to be different this time... but no. Nothing.
He's also still quiet, as usual.
Ehmmm... im... it's rather depressing, actually. Like... something's probably wrong with me. I dunno.
I wonder how he feels though. Or if he has any date. Or loved one. S.
I wish i didn't have anything to lose so that i could just freely tell him how i feel. Im just too much of a coward with these things.

i hope you're okay...

Shards of jealousy

Why do you talk to her like that... i know it's just work... but...
There's also the mmk episode hahahahhaha such big deal what
I just feel like... im being pushed aside... again... and im jealous... i feel like everything i worked for is for naught... just because her department is not my department... her strength is not my strength... you dont ask me things because why would you? She has the answers, not me, i dont have em.
Im just...
I wish i wasnt like this... i wish i was more comfortable talking... or... i dunno. I wish i could also be appreciated... feel genuinely appreciated... i wish i could help you more...
I know that this is a very immature feeling... theres no point to this, nor proper cause... i guess im just looking for something to point my frustrations at... because if you had wanted to ask for my help, im pretty sure you would... not out of any other reason than the need for help... as is with her...
Im sorry if i feel neglected but also dont want the spotlight... im just looking for someone who would understand me and would be patient with me...

this has long been in my head.



i wonder how life would be when my parents get really old. i mean, yeah they're old now, but, geriatrics old. bedridden old.

possibly amnesiac old. alzheimer's old.

i wonder how i would fare. i wonder how i would be able to take care of them. i wonder how i'll be able to pay the bills, or clean no, cleaning house is not a problem. i wonder how i'll be able to keep up with their medicines and their needs. how i'll manage to remind them about who they are, who i am, and what they are doing. would i even manage? nobody wants responsibility like this. nobody wants to feel obligated to do this. neither do i, but i know that i should. it's my duty. i cannot simply leave them when they need me the most. but i wonder all the same.



i wonder who i could run to for help, if the need arises. i wonder who would come and help me, of their own volition.



i wonder if i can make it.

Hey, you.

I'm being incredibly frustrated by my current state.
I honestly don't mind that I'm single and nbsb at this age. What bothers me is that I can't get an answer from you. I can't tell you anything. I can't... simply be friends with you, even.
I don't know if I'm playing a game or We're playing a game. I want to know you more and understand you and maybe be able to comfortably talk with you. Maybe it would open doors up. Maybe it could help me move on. Maybe it could clear things up between us and I might find an accidental best friend (because I somehow think that it's possible).
So many maybe's and no answers to be had. Because things can get awkward. Because this isn't what normal people do or feel. Because I'm scared to start, or possibly end, anything.
I wish you could see this though. I wish that my entries in this blog would open my heart to you, in the way that words can't do for me. In the way that actions can't do for me.
I'm so sorry that I cannot say this out loud. I'm just not as strong or courageous to do so. I'm scared of doing this live, saying these things in your face, because it will expose me horribly - me and my emotions, my heart, my tears and awkward laughter. And... I'm just scared of being rejected again. Being put aside again. Being told that it isn't possible. Not being... held... as precious... or deserving. I'm scared of that possibility.
But I will do something different this time. I will put a lighted firecracker in the forest, and see if it gets your attention. I'm still too much of a coward to put this directly through you, but this feels pretty bold as it is.
Marvin.
Yeah, you.
You should know this. "Should" is rather suffocating, I think, but this is how I feel right now. I feel that I should tell you about this. My blog contains my feelings and questions from a year of admiring you from afar. Just go back through my posts if you want to know how deep this is, and thus, how horribly pathetic this is.

UGH

JFC I NEED YOU, YOU NUMBSKULL.
I know that it isn't obvious at all BUT REALLY.
Well.
... nothing, really.
I can't really throw anything at you because I know for a fact that I haven't said anything myself.
It's just incredibly frustrating.
Incredibly frustrating to fall in love with a person who, as societal norms dictate, is not at all a good choice, because of that huge age gap and the weird connections of kinship, nevermind the person's goodness and intelligence. You're just too old, they would say.
BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE. TRY TO LOOK AROUND. I'd be so fuckin lucky, God help me, if you actually do see this blog. The job would be done for me. And I might, at the very least, get some sort of closure over this.
I WANT YOU TO SEE THIS SO YOU WOULD KNOW HOW I FEEL. I'm so bad with verbal language, I'd probably faint from anxiety if I did this personally. Live.
So I'll just keep wishing that you see this, on your own, out of your own curiosity. I'll just keep wishing that you'll understand. (I'm hoping it would be mutual, but that's pretty far off the beaten track. Still not giving up though, my heart.)
My death wish is nearing pretty fast. It's... just about 4mos away now. I'm not sure if I want it to happen, but... I wish that you'd be in my life, whether it happens or not. I wish you'd be in my life before my death happens, whatever date it's bound to happen on.

i know that i shouldn't be expecting anything from you. but it's still equally frustrating, whether i have or don't have the right to expect anything. i wish you wouldn't be so guarded up and locked down. an angel might be purity and goodness embodied, but you do not get life out of an angel.

Faint warnings

I wonder how you'll feel... i wonder what it would mean to you. I wonder what scenarios would be created in your brain... if there would be any at all. I wonder if you even care.

I wish you did. I wish you do. I wish you would.

I love you. I can love you. But im being cautious because everything is still covered up in clouds. But... id like to think that youre trying.

Im sorry if i dont know how to respond... i wish i could read your mind too. So that i'll know whether you feel the same or not at all.

i just don't know what to make of you.



i feel like you're my twin, somehow.



it's almost mutual, but also negating.



such weird.

Blah

Im testing blogaway. Hope this works.

I'm slowly recalling everything...

You were also listening when i was talking to... mom, i think. Or dad. Whoever.

You also asked me if someone was going to bring me to the resto.

Then joked about me being immune to the cold.

Then later about the plastic chicken (lols). Though it got cut off abruptly.

...

My brain is being an arsehole right now. Don't do anything like those things again. Unless you actually ARE trying to send a message.

Jesus. Christ. Help me.

It's hard trying to love someone who is on a very different level from you. Me, a designer, liking you, a CPA, who is 20 years senior in age. You don't know what topics to focus on, what interests the both of you, what HIS interests are. You don't know how to actually befriend him, or keep up with his pace, whatever pace that is. You don't even know how to start a friggin conversation with him.

But... I think he's trying. We talked more today than we have ever talked before, I think.

I also caught him looking at me a few times. That's in the restaurant. Nothing about work.

Though it's still pathetic that the only talk we've ever done in the resto was still revolving around work (lol).

It's like grasping at a bunch of rose stems and trying to find that one stem that wouldn't prick you.
You're not even sure if it exists; you're definitely not sure if it's in that bunch.

But I guess I'm already happy that I even got the chance to hold that bunch of rose stems. I guess I SHOULD be happy as it is. I don't really care if something blossoms between us and people suddenly start talking. Or, I care for the blossom, not for the talk.

It's too much to ask, but I kinda wish that you'd keep doing this. Keep trying. Keep forging. I will appreciate it very, very much. Meaning or no meaning.

You did not go to work today...

I hope you're okay, what with all these bad things happening... i hope you didn't get affected by it too. :(

Gods i miss you. When you're not in the office, it feels like things are so... dead. Boring. Just plain tiring, not happy or exciting or hopeful.

Will you be going to work tomorrow? The dinner?

As long as you're okay...

that is just the reality... you aren't meant to be remembered... i told myself.



why is it that everyone else can freely come and go into my life, but not you? not ever you?



i'd like to think of good thoughts, assume good things... but, it just leads to personal disappointments. lower self-esteem.



i can't talk to you comfortably because you being there just makes me conscious of myself... but i wish it was as freeflowing as when i talk to normal friends.

i saw you looking again.



what. whaaaaaat.



that experience in Rob. Magnolia is nothing compared to when i see you.



i wish we can talk more. i dunno how, and im not good at initiating these things, or even continuing with it, but i wish we do talk more. i wish we, or more surely, i, don't have to keep playing hide and seek like this...

how is it that you are continually going up my friends list?? you were always 7th/9th/11th before, but then you came in 5th, and now 4th!
you also appear pretty often on my top 9 now!
can someone explain the algorithm to me because i cannot for the life of me understand how it works!
8 of the people on my top9 are constant, except the last, where 3 of you can appear any time.
you appear there whenever you get in the 7th or higher place.
the 2 topmost peeps there are also my 2 topmost peeps in the list. the 3rd is a weird placer! the others are also placers in the list but i'm not exactly familiar with them. and then there's you, who can appear anywhere between 5th and 11th, and now 4th! but you only ever get the last square on my top 9!

what in the world...

now i'm also wondering about what you're seeing on your side...

this is making me happy and anxious at the same time, and it's annoying that i can't get a decent explanation of what is happening aksdfljalskdaksjdf

I'm so attracted to you it's getting ridiculous...

I wish my thoughts were real... i wish my assumptions were real... i wish it was mutual...

Im pretty sure that you giving me these doesnt mean anything, but i hope it does... i hope you were just thinking about doing it or not... i hope you were just choosing what you would be giving me... i hope you heard the joy in my voice...

I hope things change for the better between us... i hope it wouldnt be as awkward... because i know it would be different, but i dont know if it would be positively progressive... and i definitely dont know if i should keep at this, if it is worth keeping my feelings for you intact... or if im just travelling a long road to reach an unbreakable wall...