Just utterly happy to see you again. Just contented. I don't know why. I'm not even sure if we connect mentally. I'm not even sure if i'll ever be able to keep up with you. But the fact that you're here, the fact that i can talk to you if i just mustered enough courage, the fact that we're friends and... and... that you're not "fictional" or "out of reach", makes me happy.

I hope you can at least feel that.

You know how pathetic i am?

I can imagine a lot of things. A lot of things that are, in major probability, not bound to happen. A lot of happy things that are not bound to happen.

And living in my imagination is so much happier and much more blissful than trying to survive or thrive in actuality.

But actuality calls, i have to go back. To the land of the living. The land of the sad living.

Right. I've pretty much forgotten about the picture for the work ID. Should remember it tomorrow. Forget everything else but.

No, not really. Never you.

7 days... or 9, or 10... the days will pass by quickly... busy yourself with deadlines in the meantime... you have lots to fulfill...

And teeth... worry... no. Not worry. Just take care of your teeth first...

After that, everything will be smoothly flowing again...

Give yourself some pats... you're surviving... that's good enough... no one else is gonna do that for you... i wish someone would though...

11 days more... wait some more...

Bye for now... /sigh

I-i miss you. And you'll be going away soon...

I don't even know what im feeling now haha.

I already have pretty much everything but why do i still feel empty...

... :'(

Im not in a good mood right now. I hate this anxiety gnawing at my brain. And for various reasons too.

Ugh when will all of this be over??? Ugh. Wrong happenings at all the wrong times.

pictures.

i still do not get why people love taking pictures of things.

there are pictures for recording events, for letting other people see things when they aren't there to witness it firsthand.

but why do people love taking pictures of random things? why do people love taking pictures of... groups of people in an event, or some get together between couples, or pictures of random garden subjects, maybe even dust...

i loved photography before because it put focus on things that are usually not noticed by people, but i noticed them. it's a sort of personal gratification to capture that moment, let people see what i saw. maybe give it value by putting it on its own frame.

i guess i understand that part, but it also feels like altered pride. like, hey, look at this photo, i saw it, bet you wouldn't notice it if it weren't for me.

that's just my feeling though. some people claim to use photos as a sort of self-expression. maybe if it was a staged photo, like photo shoots and modelling stuff. i kind of... cannot relate to this "self-expression", maybe besides the idea that some people may see your personality based on how you compose your photos, whether you like em dark and dreary, or bright and fluttery, soft and warm, etc.

anyway, what i'm trying to get to is that, i don't think pictures would ever be able to capture the most precious things. the most precious things only happen when you least expect them to. and they're only ever precious when you experience them firsthand. and taking a photo during a happening pretty much removes you from the happening, removes you from the event and the feelings it radiates towards viewers and maybe third-hand participants/onlookers. you do not feel shock from snapping a photo. you do not SEE shock from behind the lens. you feel shock from seeing things with your own eyes, and thus experiencing them at your core, not being blocked by this... this solid item in your hand, maybe in front of your face, shielding you from fully sensing the event.

just me though.

This was originally written on 09.17.15:

I love you so much.
I felt helplessly proud earlier, haha. That was so cute.
Erm...
I'm not supposed to be acting this way. Or thinking this way. I'm not supposed to be feeling something so embarrassing and awkward. I know you're old... old enough to be my dad even, at a not so minor age. I know we're 20 years apart.
But... i can't help it. I... i still remember the first time i met you as a conscious human. I couldn't help feeling embarrassed and ridiculously happy, like a flower suddenly closing up again from too much attention, too much beautiful sunlight. I still remember the feeling but i can't remember what i was wearing that night in chateau royale. It was probably mighty embarrassing too. Teenage days.
I forgot things for a few years after that.
Now... now, it took me a year to finally (remind and) confess to myself that i like you.
It has been 2 years since that day, almost. December 13 2013.
And... it's ridiculous how long it's been going on, and for that length of time, that i've been trying to keep it a secret, and yet i'm also looking for ways to tell you how much i love you, without having to embarrassingly expose myself to everyone...
I'm not even sure how you are, what your preference is, or if you're still interested in something like this - this feeling, this person... mostly this kind, my kind, of person...
I'm still embarrassed with myself. With my feelings for you. With how i have this feeling when i still don't know you enough.
I feel like a slut. An absolute outcast. Not to be respected. Because i developed feelings for a man who is 20 years older than me, possibly homosexual, and has, even only at a few points in time, seen me grow up.
I just want to tell you what i feel so that, at the very least, the time i spent thinking about you would have even a little meaning. The thoughts i had thought of may have a chance to lend a little joy to you. That maybe it would make you happy to know that someone loves you, one-sided as it is.
And that in itself is probably the saddest part of it all. Because i am ready to accept that it is no more bound to be more than a passing fancy. That it is no more bound to receive an equal amount of love.
I still love you, and probably always will... but either let me make peace with my heart and tell it be quiet, or let me have even a sliver of that special smile.