My heart is just heavy.. i want to just collapse into myself and disappear.
I want to be forgotten, like i never existed. By everyone. It can't be that someone remembers and others forget. That'll be a burden.
There are still things that i want to do, experience, remember. But i think my health is starting to lock the doors to those things.
I think... the reason that i am frustrated most of the time... that reason is also disappearing. Like there's no reason to be angry anymore, cos nobody else is robbing you of that chance. It's literally just the composition of you now, and you have no say in it anymore.
I feel like a building slowly losing integrity brick by brick. Like a dammed river going dry. Like a noisy city with dying lights.
I feel the anxiety of and grief for my cracking, disappearing self.

I think my kidneys are shot. Or my heart. 2nd time getting edema on my ankles.
Anddd... i feel like... i can't get my life on track. Like there are obstacles even in my own home, in my immediate vicinity. And im just tired of having to fight or reason for everything... it feels like i can't find anyone who i can align with. Id rather be alone, but even that is not an option yet.
I guess im seeing the light towards the exit now. Still very faint but it's there. And im quite excited for it, to be honest.

Theres currently a feeling in me that's looking for something and not finding whatever it is (i don't know what it is either), and feeling so frustrated about it...

I feel like i'm not mentally healthy lately.
I know it sounds so cliche. Even to me. Everyone claims it these days. Not to say it's invalid, but i think some are using the term too loosely. It feels like the new "emo".
But for mine... i feel like i have to do something, whatever thing, even just eating at vacant times. Cos i feel so... out of it, if im not doing anything. I sleep, close my eyes, only when my brain tells me to (which is where my eyes start closing by themselves).
I dont know if it's anxiety. Ive felt anxious before. Kinda like extreme stage fright with the running thoughts and beads of sweat and almost freezing, not knowing what to do or where to start. But it's very rare, and i think it happens to everyone, that kind of very rare frequency. I think it's normal.
I think im closer to "manic", but that also feels too deep, too much, to use as *my* term. But i get impulsive sometimes due to these "hanging/floating" feelings. I think my and le fams health is stressing me out. My mood tends to change with tiny triggers. All i really want right now is to be somewhere that is completely devoid of triggers and worries. But what do i do? At some point recently i just felt so unmotivated to even play.
I wanna get back to that mood/mode where im concerned for my health, where i feel productive, positive. I know when the curtains open or close, but i don't know what pulls the strings.

not sure what i feel. or if im feeling.

ive no motivation to do anything. not even play. i just wanna sleep.

my mind (my other self?) is telling me to do something. to practice drawing again. to build what i want in subnautica. to go back to that online work thing and study it again. future something something. wanting to change my life and how to start and sustain it. even exercise. i tell myself i wanna go back to yoga, but im too lazy for it.

i dunno. i don't see much of a point to any of these anyway.

it's like im waiting for the situation to change, thinking i might change as well, but knowing deep down that i won't, esp. because even if some things go away, something else will immediately take their place, and my attention.

i think life, or the act of, is silly. we keep trying to "be productive", to what end? everything boils down to survival, dunnit? even those who study philosophy and science, they're like, "i wanna learn", "i wanna influence/improve how the world thinks", but eventually it's only 1 of 2 things: they wanna prolong life in totality, or they wanna leave a lasting impression.

we're all vying for an infinity that either won't happen, or will happen and result in a less ideal lifescape...

Continuously twisting hurricane wreaking havoc everywhere, all the time.
I wonder if i am selfish or burnt out, or both.
Why did u all leave me alone to carry all of this?
I don't want to be responsible for anyone anymore. Im so tired...

floating again in a deep, dark sea

and ominous clouds

and no land in sight

tease of light from impending storms
immeasurable distances that stretch or shrink in the flashes of lightning
when will it end?
i want it to end, but also not to

two steps forward and two steps back

the ground being whittled away by my feet

in anticipation and dread of seeing the bloody sun

but it's like...

what do you draw when you're empty?

I just miss you tonight.
For some reason i think of you as a source of comfort. Like you would immediately understand my thoughts and emotions, no questions needed. If there is someone i'd like to be there just for their presence, it would be you.
But maybe im just imagining things. Imposing my expectations on your image.

Fall in love with a different world to shield myself from the reality that my life is going nowhere...

Depressed state again. Would it be good to have the injectable birth control pill for this?
Then again, maybe id just feel the disappointment more, being in the should-be-happy state more often...
DA2's Tranquil concept showed up again recently. Wish i could just get into that state.

Dreamed that you had died and cried in my dream, even though i also "met your partner" in there

Welp. The fact that i can't find you frustrates me cos it makes me feel like a failure lol. But i can't even remember/i'm not even sure what your surname is. And the thing is, i don't think i'll ever see you again...
Guess i just have to condition my mind to stop now.

Don't know how to find you.
Can't even remember your (exact) surname.
Ah, frustrating.

gusto ko lang po umiyak at magmakaawa na matapos na sana to kasi parang di sya natatapos saka di ko makita kung anong ending.. andami kong kailangang isipin tapos ayaw pa nito mawala sa inaalala ko. ayaw matapos. ayaw gumaling... pero parang di naman alam ng mga nakapaligid sakin kung gano kalalim yung pagod ko. parang sa lahat ng oras naka-abang ako sa masamang pangyayari, kasi anytime pwedeng mangyari. biglang liko. biglang bagsak. biglang icu. biglang himatay. biglang di makausap ng maayos.

i can't commit to anything because somehow something else will always get in the way.
maybe it's easy for some to say "let them be, not your problem", but that's almost always not the case...

i feel like life is not working with me.
maybe as when you put a piece of metal to the anvil and hammer it to form... i guess i'm full of impurities that aren't necessarily tough to mold. just blockage upon blockage in me that i can't let go.
i have an idea of the life i want, but it is pictured in pieces. jigsaw pieces that have yet to be filtered to know which ones fit the whole. no assurance that the fitting pieces would complete the pictured life.

i'm just tired of being disappointed, i guess.

Im just selfish.

i think im having an emotional breakdown of sorts.

I can feel my heart laboring more and more.
I don't want to fight this anymore. I just want to be done with it all.

Kelan ba ko matatapos