maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

i didn't think it would take THIS long. wow.

geesh. what to do now? nothing or nothing. not like there are any choices anyway.

i could try to find you again but i would probably end up with the same results. aaaaand... i think i'll just leave it at that. i think i don't want to go on another search and end up miserable again.

gruhhhh.

oh, right. today would be 2mos and 26days.

i don't like this feel. i wish it just goes away. haha. :|

visited the cousin and her baby today in CGH.

i was really really hoping to see him. but no, no signs of him even. then again, he must only be assigned on the upper floor.

argh.

how can i not find you??

we ate at yoogane today. that waiter there was cute, and i mean cute in every sense of the word haha. he wasn't "handsome". just cute. not really my type.

but the way he spoke, geebus. he reminded me of him.

where are you now? why is it that i still can't find you?
well, yeah, i've already stopped actively finding you, but still... i just miss you.

sometimes i just feel that everyone's avoiding me for something i'm personally not aware of.

friendship is a passing thing. when you think you have found a new person to connect with, suddenly that person goes all... nasty, and you are disappointed again.

and disappointed some more. and more. and more.
and you can't help but wonder, "what did i do wrong again? what wrong did i commit this time?", and you will keep pondering because you simply cannot understand why you get a different reciprocation than what you wished for or expected.

being cold really helps, because you never expect anyone to be there for you, and when anyone actually does, it comes as a surprise. nasty people abound this planet.

people will never hear you because you never speak. what'll be there to hear?

but how do i speak out what i feel? i really just want to cry. for so many reasons. not necessarily any particular reason. it's just a general feeling of sadness and being alone.

any sort of human contact now even feels somehow alien to me.

i want to be alone, but at the same time i wish there would be someone who would just hug me and let me cry all i want. someone who would fully understand how i feel and how i am. that i wouldn't have to talk about how i feel, because i'm no good at that part. if i talk, it's always going to be... not enough. not even close. not even accurate in its incompleteness.

any person wants to volunteer? bring shoulder napkins. lol.

gruh. i'm just so tired of stuff that i really shouldn't be tired of. it's so senseless. it's so senseless to even care. and i just feel that it's not my place, in any manner, to give advice or be mad, because it just isn't so. i can whine all i want but i cannot deal change, or push it for that matter. it's just not my place. i'm just too small to do that, even though i feel so bad/affected about it.

right now, everything is so... what's the word... like potential energy is to kinetic energy is to no energy at all haha. tense? out of whack? err... unstable? anxious?

i will have to face the probability that i will be growing old alone. no love and no friends.

gonna stock up on anti-allergy meds now. have to be able to live with a dozen cats. lololol~

haro.

i just want to say that i'm succeeding. yep. sabi ko nga i can be talked out of this. the calm, the storm, both are done. now the waves, and then the tranquil.

the tranquil is good, but it is also deep and if affected, can go back to the storm.

but it is good nevertheless.

so, i already did everything. searched everywhere.

right now i can't think of elsewhere to search other than to go back to that hospital and stalk the shit out of you.

but nooooooo. because i'm not creepy like that and i'm too shy to do that.

anyway. i think i should stop now. as in, totally stop. stop everything. stop thinking, stop imagining, stop hoping, stop expecting. stop. just... forget about you. cancel your existence in my world. you're just a random nurse who got assigned to roaming the rooms of the new building's 4th floor. that's all. you're just a random nobody.

i don't know how long it's gonna take for me to recover, but at least i have... enough... things, reasons, stopping me from finding you. yeah? yeah.

i better get my life back.

tangina this. bat ko to ginagawa.

because, as much as i don't want to say it, attraction is pretty much 95% about beauty. and i don't have that. and i think i'm simply not interesting enough in any aspect. maybe even bordering on... someone to avoid, spiteful.

people only act the way they think people think of them.

aaaaaaand...

there's not much to say for me. really. i'm just boring. and this is a boring little blog of mine. hoping that, maybe, someday, someone's gonna feel a connection with me through reading my blog. and... i don't know, maybe be friends with me, understand me in the same way i would understand him/her, share stuff, grow from this stagnancy.

this is my outlook, and it's repetitive and non-progressive at all. i'm just... not going anywhere with my life. and maybe other people feel it from me too. i don't know. i'm just not... someone to learn anything from, i guess.

i'm just tired. just so tired of this.

i mean, this is me, and all that shit. but it's also getting rather boxed... just boring. just nothing new. nothing exciting here. nothing to be happy about. nothing to appreciate.

wala. wala na kong masabi. paulit ulit nalang.

nafu-frustrate lang ako. sorry.

sa lahat ba naman ng bagay e meron at meron akong kapalpakan. ni di kita mahanap haha.

hanap lang ha? online lang. di ko pa makita.

pwera pa dun, para nalang akong tanga na nagwiwish na mangyari yung inaasam ko: yung ikaw nalang ang hahanap sakin.

pero syempre that is IF napansin mo ako. which is most likely hinde hahahaha.

hay. frustration to the core.

soooooobrang frustration. tapos wala rin naman akong makausap tungkol dito. nahihiya narin naman akong daldal ako nang daldal sa plurk na mukha na kong baliw hahaha. e yung mga friends ko dun, siguro hirap din silang intindihin ako kasi sa totoo lang wala rin naman akong mabigay na info sa kanila. kasi wala rin akong alam tungkol sayo.

ewan. ayoko na naman talaga e. pero naiintriga talaga ko sayo e. gusto narin kita kalimutan para balik normal na buhay ko. bwiset kaya mag mood swings haha. bwiset din nagmumukhang tanga kakahintay sa sigurado namang wala.

NABABALIW NA KOOOOO.

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.

tanggapin mo na kasing walaaaa. alam mo naman sa sarili mo na di talaga yun mangyayari e. alam mo na pero ayaw mo parin paniwalaan.

ayan sige na. iiyak mo nalang. ganun naman talaga e. isipin mo nalang, sa dami ng lalake sa mundo, isa lang, kung sakali, ang makakasama mo habambuhay. isa lang. marami kang makikita, pero isa lang talaga yung makakasama mo ng maayos. magiging bespren mo hanggang kamatayan.

siguro di pa sya yun. nalingat ka lang sandali. kalimutan mo nalang. kasi pag di mo kinalimutan, e hanggang kelan ka maghihintay? hanggang kelan mo sya hahanapin? hanggang kelan ka maghahanap ng acceptance from him?

eh ni hindi mo nga sya mahagilap e.

katangahan mo lang talaga pag umasa ka pa. katangahan nalang.

mahirap i-apply ang pagiging hopeless romantic sa isang bagay na sobrang liit naman ng possibility mangyari. kaya tama na. sasaktan mo lang sarili mo sa kakaasa.

The God of Almost

Every person is judged by the gods depending on their achievements. All sorts of achievements count: food eaten or not eaten, farts in a day, smiles in a week, how long that fish bone got stuck in your gums, etc.

No, the gods don't control your actions, but they can control the environment you're moving in. And because favoritism was so uncontrolled in the Clouds of Rank, there will always be humans who are much more successful compared to other humans, and others much more deep in muck compared to some other humans.

Now, this human, this person here wearing quite mediocre jeans, a sorta fashionable top, and some pretty worn-out shoes... this human here has been played on by the gods. Used. Experimented upon. And it has pretty much won the favor of all the gods of Rank... but not quite. You see, when a ruling body has several powerful members, balance can never be attained. They are eventually going to fight each other for the right to rule or decide. Compromising is never an option, as it admits softness of the iron fists and defeat for all. And this person was subject to all the gods' likes and dislikes, fancies and aversions, hissy fits and acts of extreme caution. This person, who by no means is informed of what the gods are doing or would be doing, suffered through all of the insanity that a ruckus of gods could create! ... but it still wasn't quite insane, nor normal for that matter.

On the day the person died, its brain's soul went up to the Clouds of Rank, pretty ready to be judged by the gods' wise pestle and mortar. The holy pestle and mortar both do the job of mixing up unworthy brains to create more worthy brain souls fit for human consumption. If it deems the soul worthy, the soul gets recycled and paired with a suitable human body. If it is unworthy, it gets into the brain soul mix, its qualities ground and mixed with other qualities into another brain soul, another identity.

The gods were aware of this person's death, and it troubled them greatly. They themselves could not decide whether this brain soul should be recycled or not. It has gone through so much mischief by the gods that its character was... quite ok, but not quite ok. Even the holy pestle and mortar could not quite decide whether to grind it or let it go.

The brain soul floated before them. Sometimes, it was calm and at zen. And sometimes, it whizzed around the Clouds of Rank so much the gods covered their heads and cowered in fear. Brain souls were hard stuff.

The matter was left to be decided upon on the next day. And the next. And the next. The gods just could not decide on what to do with this brain soul. All of them were guilty of destroying, and creating, this brain soul, and all of them cannot admit what they had done, and so all of them also could not give a proper judgment of this situation, as what one would say would be perceived by others as a form of confession. The brain soul was left in limbo for a full week, before the holy mortar and pestle eventually acted on its own.

It gave to this brain soul one thing that it has not done in millions of centuries: It gave the brain soul immortality.

Immortality means god-mode.

And no, it didn't do this because it has deemed the brain soul godly nor holy. It simply did this because all the brain souls needing judgment were piling up on the list, and the Clouds were getting too heavy to hold even 10 gallons of the golden piss of gods, which was called rain on Earth, the humans' dwelling.

Thus, this god-but-not-god existed, an entity of... not-really-uniqueness, pretty-much-a-representation of things, an entity of almost-but-not-quites. The God of Almost. He still dwells in the Clouds of Rank, but never really got along with the other gods.

*****

again, a little something sprouting from my head. enjoy.
10282012

i cannot keep on thinking and thinking and thinking about you when i know that it's not gonna get me anywhere.

but how the heck else am i supposed to find you? you don't even leave the smell of your shit hanging in your tracks.

no, really. how? give me a clue. give me... something to work on. ok? because your first name is leading me eeevvveeeryyywheeeerrree but to you. i hate that you're being so secretive and shit.

then again, maybe you do have something to hide. or you're just like me, feeling like a ninja when all i am is a common person hired to walk at the background of a movie scene in a park full of people.



sorry. i'm just so desperate to know you more.

ayan. natigil ako for a while sa pagbo-blog.

parang acceptance of someone's death lang to e. may part na shock, part na lungkot na lungkot, part na in denial, additional part na sensible thinking, and then yung part ng acceptance.

i'm most likely on the 4th or 5th now. just replace sadness with happiness and hope. ayan na formula mo.

ayoko na kasi e. araw-araw napapaisip ako ng mga "pano kaya kung...", tapos wala naman nangyayari.
di naman sa... i mean yeah naghihintay ako, sort of. kahit alam kong 0.00001% chance lang na mangyaring sya yung lumapit. kasi wala naman talaga to e. kalokohan lang. nagkataon lang na yung ilang segundo ng buhay ko e na-share ko sa kanya. yun lang yun.

kalokohan lang talaga to e, kaya nga dapat tigilan na. ambabaw lang ng utak ko kaya to tumagal e.

e... ayoko narin. tama na. matagal na ko nagmumukhang tanga. lagi nalang. tuwing may ganitong pagkakataon. siguro nga dapat maghintay nalang ako ng lalapit tapos sunggaban ko na kaagad para di na makawala LOL.

pero hindi e. di talaga ko ganun. kung di ko lang din kaya ibalik yung ginagawa nya, wag nalang. sayang lang lahat. pati effort nya sayang. oras namin. buhay namin. pupunta lang lahat sa basura o sa dead sea. ganun kapatay. ganun ka-stagnant. kaya wag nalang. at least kung di kami magkasama may chance pa sya maghanap ng ibang makakasukli sa kanya. although alam ko at pamilyar ako na baka bumaba ang self esteem nya dahil sakin.

pero, alam mo yun... di naman ako yung tipong dapat maging dahilan ng pagbaba ng self esteem. lol. wala akong kwentang tao para lagyan mo ng halaga yung sasabihin ko saka yung desisyon ko. kaya wag kang aasa or sasandal sa mga sasabihin or gagawin ko. masisira lang buhay mo.

siguro nga ganito nalang ako palagi.

i mean, pwede ko siguro gawin yung ako nga yung lalapit. pero... ewan ko. siguro kaya ko kung sa kaya. pakapalan lang naman ng mukha yan e. kaya ko nga magpakapal ng mukha pag kelangan ko magsalita sa harap ng maraming tao or taong mas mataas kesa sakin. shempre walang bastusan, pero pakapalan lang talaga ng mukha. tulakan lang kayo kung sinong unang tutumba. kaya ko yun e, baka kayanin ko ring ako yung lumapit. pero di talaga ganito yung tama e. di talaga ganito yung buhay na kinalakhan ko. saka ayoko na makaranas ulit nung pakiramdam na di sila kuntento sakin. tangina ayoko na maghabol. buong buhay ko naghahabol na ko. tama na yun.

kaya ayan. susubukan ko nang i-kundisyon yung utak ko para mag-isip na, ay, wala na nga. wala nang pag-asa. tumigil ka na teh. baliw ka na. hibang. obsession na yan. di na yan bastang crush. di mo na nga maalala mukha nya e. tumigil ka na. wala nang dahilang umasa ka.

pagod na ko sa ganitong pakiramdam. :(

yeah i guess i'm just too selfish to actually get love for myself. or i'm just too immature for it.

pero pagod na talaga ako e.

ano yun, ako narin ba dapat ang maghahabol para mapansin ng iba?

eh di ako ganun e. di ko kaya yung ganun. old fashion na kung old fashion pero di ko talaga kaya yun at di talaga ako ganun. bahala na kung walang mapunta sakin kahit mahal na mahal ko, o siguro depende rin sa sitwasyon, pero kung di naman ayon yung sitwasyon na ako yung magparamdam... e wag nalang.

kahit ikalulungkot ko nalang pati yun.

hay.

Speechless

A girl and a boy. The usual pair teenagers expect to develop into a couple. Yep, they were really close friends. And eventually, the girl falls in love with the boy! But of course she keeps it all to herself, like we have all done so before. Friendship sometimes really seems to matter more than love, and she thought the same. She was, as anyone is, afraid of rejection, of friendships broken, so she kept it all in... until Valentine's Day came.

Valentine's Day. School was done, and even the professors seemed to be feeling rather lighthearted, enough to not give homework and appreciate the day of love. Of course everyone was happy, coupled or not. The bitter ones are hopeful, the hopeful ones are full of anticipation, and the loved are feeling much more loved. It was a cheerful day for all.

The boy gave the girl a single red rose. And a letter of confession.

They met at the little creek some few distance away from school. It was their usual hangout place, away from the crowd, where they could shout their frustrations and share secrets and carve their crushes' names on the trees. And maybe share a little gossip rounding their respective classes. It wasn't a totally special place; just an empty lot with a creek, trees grown on random spots, not really anything or anywhere habitable.

But he gave her a rose and a letter,and she read it... And it was all that mattered at that moment. It enveloped her brain and her emotions, and everything seemed to be right - the creek, the trees, the silent screech of insects, the plainness of it all. Everything suddenly felt so bright and happy, and her fingers were cold as ice and her heart was beating louder than cheerdance practice. She was speechless and smiling ear to ear and giggling like a little girl. And then she was just laughing. Laughing and expecting the world to share with her mirth. She was happy.

She mustered the courage to confess, because she felt that it was the right time to. It won't fall on deaf ears, and it won't result in rejection or, worse, a broken friendship. She went pink on the cheeks, and gave her sincerest words of love to her best friend, the boy.

...but the boy interrupted her halfway through. He was shocked, and he was troubled with what he heard.

"Hey umm... stop, please. Just a minute..."

The girl stopped, still smiling.

"I... that was just a joke, okay? ... No, really. I just... I know you've been wanting to have someone do that to you... for a long time..."

The girl was still smiling, but her eyes showed a trace of... doubt, disbelief, disappointment.

"A-and it became a joke between us, so I thought... I thought I'd do a bit of a prank on you... It's just a joke." the guy spoke, with surprised eyes.

The girl was speechless for a while. Her smile slowly disappeared, her face turning emotionless and shocked. The happiness turned into sadness, embarassment, and anger.

"So, just a joke? I... I see..." then she simply turned and started walking away.

The guy ran after her, calling after her. He apologized when he reached her. So many times. That he was not aware of her feelings. That he did not mean to hurt her. That he really didn't know.

She suddenly faces him, face all red with anger and tears, and starts yelling angry words at him.

"HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU DO THAT TO ME?!?"

"DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOU JUST MADE ME THE BIGGEST MORON EVER??"

"DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH HURT YOU HAVE JUST GIVEN ME?? RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT??"

"ARE. YOU. EVEN. AWARE. OF WHAT I JUST FELT NOW??"

"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING BASTARD! I WISH TO HELL THAT YOU WILL EXPERIENCE THE VERY SAME THING, YOU NUMBASS SON OF A BITCH!"

She then storms off, leaving the guy speechless.

*****

another spur-of-the-moment composition, made 7mos ago lol

god of withdrawaaaaalll help meeeeeeee i need to forgeeeeeeeet

......................

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellpppp or else i will feel depressed about this. well, not as bad as clinical depression, but sad. sad enough.

grrruuuuuuuuuuuuugggghhhhhhhhhh

the hard part about being infatuated with someone totally new is that you cannot even defend your own actions against your own rational mind.

i mean, seriously mang. not even a week. not even a friggin week. i don't even know anything beyond his profession and his first name and what he looks like in his friggin RN uniform. i'm even just guessing what his age is.

IT IS FUCKING STUPID. AND RETARDED. OKAY?

plus the fact that he has seen how i look like when i don't get baths for 2days while stuck in the hospital and chained stuck (as well) to a friggin IV bottle for 24/7 literally. constantly.

and being the nurse that he is, he constantly smells like the beautiful mild smell of evaporated alcohol. which means he is clean as fudge. just like any other nurse.

and and... and i acted kinda stupid during the last time he talked to me while we were still confined in the hospital. he was asking if i still had fever, and i just shook my head to say no while looking at him, and looked away instantly.

and... just... guh. i'm so... so amateur at this... so shy and stupid... and i'm struck like this. and i can't even defend my infatuation to myself. i just can't. there's just no logical explanation for it. at all.

i think my mind may have just been drugged during that 1 week stay. and my thinking might have gotten slightly affected. you know how dreams can be such big influences? maybe just like that.

i do still remember, though, that little contact when he took off the air bubbles coming from the newly installed IV bottle. he was using an injection for it, to sip out the air bubbles from the tubing before they reach my bloodstream. it just happened that his hands touched mine during the duration of the air removal. and i still remember it. and his hands were beautiful. just beautiful.

i should stop this.

i let him away.

i wish i could just see a bit of reason to let go of him. like, maybe if i learn that he has a girlfriend, or a wife. or that he has different preferences. my mind can be talked out of this. i just need reasons to say goodbye. if there are no reasons, it might be quite some time before i forget him.

tama na bern. tama na. enough is enough is enough nga daw. hahaha. ok na yun. you did what you can. wala lang talaga. kaya tama na.

BAKIT BA ANG HIRAP MONG HANAPIN. GIVE ME YOUR LAST NAME PLEASE. PLEASE.

I WANT TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOU. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOUR AGE IS AND HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN WORKING AND DO YOU LOVE YOUR JOB AND WHY YOU SEEM SO NICE AND WHETHER YOU'RE GAY (which i hope not, i don't think so, but unlike that other nurse, you seem much more inclined to be one, so... but i really hope not.)

i hope you find me, or give me a way to find you. but in all the hugeness of the interwebs, i'm still afraid to meet you, or for you to know my secrets. i don't think i'm memorable enough, but we've just met in the hospital, and you'll probably remember me when you see my name.

gah.

mr. darren/darryl. i'm not sure. and i'm too shy to ask.

dengue case. mother and daughter. chinese general hospital.

bye.

**edits**
well, sa pangit kong to, ano pa nga bang inaasahan ko. hahahaha. holy shet.
di ko lang talaga alam kung bakit ka nagmarka sakin. di ko talaga maintindihan.
sabi ko rin agad na parehas tayo ng wavelength. pakiramdam ko lang talaga medyo magkakasundo tayo.
ewan ko. ewan kooooooooooooooooooooo. ewan ko talaga.
pero ang ganda lang rin talaga ng kamay mo hahaha. inlab talaga ko sa kamay mo. may obsession talaga ako sa magagandang kamay. at ang ganda ng kamay mo talaga.
besides that... i just like you. for some reason.
hay.
i shouldn't expect anything. i just shouldn't. :|

A Starbucks Moment

Three girls met in a starbucks cafe. They were planning to have some group work done, and so chose the group of seats in the cafe near the wall, where there was an electric socket. Laptops needed charges, and it was the coziest place they could huddle in while discussing stuff. Before anything though, they bought their personal coffee preferences in grande sizes. You would know that they're gonna be sitting there for a while.

10am came, and with it, a lone boy, wearing a stiped, totally common sweatshirt and baggy jeans. Just one of the usual lot, looking for a place to sit in in the same starbucks cafe as where the three girls are. His eyes instantly locked on the three girls sitting in that inconspicuous side of the cafe. He went straight to that area and asked, well, not any of the girls in particular, "Do you mind if... Could you transfer to that area there?" He was pointing towards the wall panel in the middle of the cafe, with benches and a couple of separate chairs.

The girls felt it quite an awkward question to ask, since they were already seated there and, by then, were discussing some slideshows that needed finishing. "I'm sorry but... we've been here since 9am and umm... we've, so to say, "settled in"?", one of the girls answered. "We do need the electric socket here for our stuff... Besides, there are plenty of other empty seats," the second girl replied. The third girl was silent, just looking at the boy and listening to the exchange. None of them budged; none took to arranging their stuff into their bags. The second girl then noticed that the guy's knapsack had an area for a laptop, and it looked occupied, being that the angles were making slight corners on the bag itself. "Oh hey, if you need another socket, there's another one on that side," she pointed towards the other side of the cafe. A socket was there, right along the same line of wall they were occupying.

The boy... well, he just kept quiet, and was just staring at the second girl, since she was the last to talk. The second girl felt rather uneasy after a while, and asked, "What?" with a lifted brow. The boy's brows then slightly went down, and tension was felt in the cafe. No one else was there at the time, except the girls, the lone boy, and three employees. But everyone's eyes were on the lone boy, who hasn't budged even a tiny bit since he stopped talking.

Suddenly, everything changed back to normal. No tension, no uneasiness. Just a normal, ordinary cafe in the middle of the street with customers of three girls and a lone boy.

The three girls calmly arranged their stuff into their bags, just for easy carrying and transferring. When they were done, they went to the spot the second girl pointed at earlier, the one on the other side of the store, with an electric socket. They brought their stuff with them too. They set up their laptops and papers, and everything went as if nothing happened. As if they never met the boy. Never talked with him. Never felt the tension. Never sat at their former spot.

The employees went back to work, filling the filters with coffee beans, preparing whipped cream, slicing and filling up bread to be displayed, writing the day's special offer on the mini-blackboard.

The boy sat at his preferred spot, took out and plugged his laptop, wore his favorite headphones, and proceeded to do whatever he needs to do.

Nothing extraordinary happened that day.

*****
just a little something i wrote. spur of the moment.

Laging sinasabi na may 2 sides ang gemini.

Well, yes, it's quite true.

One side of me is telling me to not believe you. My senses are just telling me that you just told me it's truth because you're such a fucking coward as opposed to what you usually show. You fucking play tricks on everyone and find it amusing when they bite your bait. But when karma strikes back, you can't even look it in the eye you fucking faggot. Your ways are going to bite your ass real hard someday. And if I find out that this side is true, you are so going to have hell for the rest of your life you fucking asshole.

The other side though is telling me to believe you. That you're a friend, and a close one at that. That you would never mess with my emotions like my other side tells me. That you purely want to tell me that there is still a little bit of goodness and concern left.

... but this side, it's so weak. So... soft. So... not supported by everything else that I have seen.

I might just be paranoid, pero ang hirap maniwala sa isang bagay na lahat ng indikasyon, nagsasabing nagsisinungaling ka.

things i want to have in my own home, if i ever get to buy/build one:

• library. oh yessssssss. a roomful of books. it would be nirvana. the light will not be too harsh even though it will be my reading space. it's going to be kinda ambient. warm light. a window for sunshine. and all the walls will be hidden behind bookshelves. the room will be carpeted. a comfy chair or two, and a long beanie chair that will accommodate my full height lying down. of course it will have AC, but i prolly won't use it much, 'cept on really hot days.
• a big art studio. well, not really big, but a full room just for art. it will have a table, not necessarily a drawing table, just a plain one with good surface texture, and at the right height for me to comfortably draw on it for hours. huge floor space for when i want to paint something big and heavy, or if i want to carve, or just if i need the space, maybe for when i spray small stuff. then the walls will have hanging shelves full of instruments, inspiration, pictures, anything that would fit. but the paints will be stored in a special cabinet just for paints. where the paints wouldn't dry up and be wasted, or get exposed to light. again, a window, to let out smells. haha. the chair will have a comfy seat, but a wooden back, so i wouldn't lose myself in its comforting arms while i'm drawing. no AC this time, just a ceiling fan that doesn't blow wind too strongly, so my papers wouldn't fly off. toooooons of brushes. toooooons of crafting instruments - needles, chisels, palette knives, a hammer or two, screws, glue, etc etc. a sound system, maybe an mp3 player dock or summin. lovely.
• my room. it will be the most comfy space in the world. AC of course, haha. pretty thick blanket, but not a comforter. i think a single bed would do. a cabinet for my clothes. a table with a table light, for writing stuff, maybe journal entries, or short stories, or recording dreams. it will also have my PC. hmm. the table will be long to accommodate my writing space and PC, and a printer. just a small one, bond paper printer. window of course. a full length mirror. oh, a little side table by my bed, with a night light, for reading myself to sleep. a wall-mounted LCD screen, just the right size, not too large.
• a magnificent bathroom. oh man. this CANNOT not be there. pooper's just a normal pooper. sink  will just be a plain white bowl-shaped one, but it should be put on some sort of... umm... "table". lol. this flat surface will have my soap, toothbrushes, facial wash, a sponge maybe. but the bath. the bath will be the star. on one side, a shower, with glass walls, glass sliding door. the shower head will be that one with full blast, spray, rainfall, etc etc. though i also do want that thing where the water sprays from the sides, so i don't know if the glass walls will work haha. if not, i think i'll choose the water sprays over the glass walls. i don't want floors/walls that are, like, slippery stuff. marble and such, just no. concrete sounds like a good idea tho, but it might just grow moss. i dunno yet. one wall will have my liquid soap and shampoos. sponges. head caps maybe? or not. that's it. and then on one side, there will be a bath tub. no, not a jacuzzi. just a tub. water temp can be controlled. it's going to be a round one, so i can lie in fetal position on the tub floor even for just a small moment. ahh. oh, and it will be connected right by my bedroom.
• kitchen. i don't really have an ideal kitchen. i'm not a kitchen geek lol. i don't know kitchen stuff very much. but, i do want it to be a busy sort of place. i don't want it to be the sort where spilling a bit of soy sauce will make me scream HOLY FUCKING SHIT CLEAN THAT MESS UP IT WILL WRECK THE WHITE ON MY MILLION DOLLAR OVEN. ugh, no. i don't want it like that. i want it to be homey and comfy, and busy, and smell of delicious delicious heavenly home-made foods. good light sources too, not the glaring sort, just the sort where you can actually see what you're doing. the dining table will also be there, or maybe just a breakfast bar. either is okay, but i do want it to be a personal sort, not a social sort of table with 6-8 chairs all around. 4 is enough. the kitchen will lead to the backyard, for washing and hanging clothes.
• a sofa will prolly be placed along the front/entrance part of the house. it won't be for taking in dozens of people. it will just be for, maybe 6 people, just to meet up, chat, have a few drinks but not enough to get woozy. hmm. i dunno what to put in it actually. i'm not much a fan of having an entertainment system in the "receiving room".

that's about it.

i want a cat in my house. hahaha. yes.

ah. dream home. still a dream.

ah. i rant about the same things over and over and over. gawd. i imagine people are tired of hearing or reading my rants. sorry. =.=;;;

****************

i have this funny feeling... i don't know if i'm right, of course. and i wouldn't even dare to ask.
it just... looks like it. sort of.
erm.
yeah.
let's see where this goes. maybe it's even nonexistent. i don't know yet. just my guts telling me something.
maybe i'm just assuming, but i don't know. i don't know.
i have to learn to wait.

this funny feeling... how mutual is this... how accurate am i... how accurate is my intuition...

Guh. I hate when this impulse is trying to overcome me. The brain really is my biggest enemy. I should have more control over my impulses. I hate this weakness.

On the other hand... I feel like I'm changing. And in my own perspective, it's not for the better. It's like I'm becoming more... violent, or vengeful, or angsty. I keep thinking of the more violent ways when trying to solve problems or conflicts.

I'm not like this before. I had always been very calm about stuff before. But now... it feels different. I don't like this but somehow, it is also very addicting. It's like letting go of all stress and problematic thoughts. It's very easy to commit, because it's simply impulsive.

I'm losing myself :(

So many things to say. But i can't think of them all when the space faces me. Hehe.

Ok, here it is. Whatever i can still remember.

Oh, i have thought of writing a blog post for hiddles. Lol wtf. I imagined i made a public letter of sorts in the hopes that it would reach him. Umm... well, i dont have the guts to actually do it anyway haha. Gooshness. But, sometimes i imagine it would be nice to be friends with him maybe. Then again, i don't really know what his personality would be. Oh i'm just dreaming lol. You do have a handsome face though, mr. Hiddleston. Yep you do.

What else...

This courting thing is annoying me lol. I feel like the suitor is being fake to his target. It just isn't natural. I wish they just developed from friends to lovers, no real courting process. I just don't understand it.

Next...

What am i doing with my life. I can't describe the lowness i am currently feeling. It's just so... pathetic. I feel so useless and... so without purpose. Like i was just born to annoy the hell outta people. Sometimes i try to imagine grand situations where they, and i, suddenly find out that, maybe i'm a long lost princess of china, or i'm the next resurrection, or i'm an otherworldly being kept in a human body. Lol so much for aspiring. I really just want to feel important to someone. Anyone. In a real sense.

It's getting rather lonely and depressing to think that time is passing me by, and no one's really seeing me as someone to stay with. It embeds in me the idea that, yes, you are that bad of an option, if you are even an option. Sigh.

Some people just can't seem to shut up >:( i hate assholes so don't mess with me you fucking idiot.

This work schedule thing is boring as fudge. Get ready every monday and lay low every friday. That feeling of anticipation just dissipates and the space it leaves gets filled with dread. Mondays.

it makes me wonder sometimes if something's wrong with me. i can't seem to be close enough to a person.
i do have my group of friends, and i value them very very much. they're my sisters. and i would do anything i can in case they need help. i hope, and i think, it's the same with them; they'd do anything for me too.
but "close"... this word... i can't seem to grasp it. i can't seem to be it with anyone. my group of friends, my "co-animals", they know my secrets. prolly not all, but most. if i didn't tell them a secret, it's prolly because i forgot all about it, or it would hurt them. but i think i just forgot it. anyway, i still don't feel like we're close enough.
sometimes it still feels like i'm faking something when i'm with them. i don't intend to fake anything, but it still feels that way. it still feels like i'm too distant, and even when i try and they try for us to be close, i still won't be close enough to them. and it's sad.

tape reels

i involuntarily look back at some moments in my life when i see random things i can relate to.
or, not exactly moments all the time. let's say, situations. statuses.

it just makes me realize some things. and it usually erases the smile.

i dunno. i just happen to notice the negatives a lot. like, how a block mate of mine is fully supported by her dad in her creative/artistic journeys. she's one of the best artists i know.
and how, in the end of "a good marriage", short story by stephen king, holt ramsey tells darce that she "did the right thing", and hugging her. just like that. and darce feels lighthearted afterward.
what else...
there are a lot of these moments. usually moments when i'm grinning ear to ear because of something i'm watching or experiencing. then suddenly this realization hits me, that i don't have this happy thing at home, and i just can't smile anymore.

i keep telling myself to be content with what i have. be content that my parents aren't fighting lately; probably tolerating each other as much as possible, just skirting the anger zone at most.
and that i should be content that i have all these material things, that my parents were in good standing when they had me, so that i can live almost normally now even with my diabetes.

"normally". HAH. who the heck are you joking.

and that i should be content with my job. be content with my life. my friends. (oh but my friends are the best. ever.) my... status. pretty much everything.

but there's the question of, how much contentment should one feel that s/he would still move forward in spite of the bliss s/he experiences, knowing that "forward" may mean the end of his/her bliss?

i dunno either.

i'll just go with the flow.

maybe it's a little different if i didn't have my sickness. i could just go away, live alone. find a job, earn some money to get me food and clothing and somewhere to live. just the necessary stuff. and i wouldn't be a burden to anyone.

but i guess i'm just being selfish, thinking this way.

ah. life.

something has just died within me.

so many words. i should learn to rein them all and hear them one by one.

why is it that when i do something, or when i am-

why is it that when i am being myself, something pops up to ruin it?

or maybe that is also a part of myself. and i am ruining myself. effortlessly too.

either i confine myself or i start learning to deal with it. deal with my stupidity. which i don't even know when it starts or stops. but i'm definitely affecting people. and i hate it so much. because for all the so-called discipline that i am trying to put on myself, these little things still seem to seep out at surprising times.

the smallest things.

i don't even know, or i'm not even sure, if i should be blaming myself.

the world seems to be getting smaller and smaller, and more unpredictable, and noisier.

.

i don't know what to blog.

oh, right. i broke my promise.

woulda put a LOL there, if i didn't consider it to be too serious.

i don't want to do that anymore. i feel really guilty. it's very degrading to both me and the host.

hah. i should remember not to. there are just these times that it's so hard to fight it.

That feeling of wanting to be needed.

During very random times.

What sort of joke is my life?

They say that how you view your life is just that: it's just how you view it. Changing your views means changing your life.

But, much as i want to change mine, i just don't see any reason to change it.

Love cats but allergic to them. Wanna try extreme. sports but is diabetic. Wanna do art stuff and fashion stuff and maybe become famous but too scared. And maybe, no background at all. And, the idea that your relatives only ever entered the business of art with the idea that the trends will dictate what will sell, not that they dictate the trends.

And then, just now, watching a kitty vis. Sweet cat.

I wish someone, anyone, treated me that way. Needed and loved. Not the needy bitchy sort. Just needed. Just someone. Who would feel that they actually lost something when i'm gone.

is there still any meaning to life when you find that you don't need anything anymore?

"need" being a symbol of the totality of... gosh this is hard to explain. lol

"need" symbolizing everything you have/want in your life. everything.

need to share. need for food. need for friends. need for love. need TO love. need to teach. need to learn. need to reach out. need to sleep. need to drink. need to help. need to...

need to need.

kinda makes us sound demanding lol

but again,

this need. all these needs.

even the need to sleep.

what if it just came to you like it was a totally involuntary thing?
you know how we need to eat/sleep/drink to be able to live.
but what if somehow it became like a totally normal thing, a totally uncontrollable thing.
at 8pm you go to sleep.
at 3am (prolly) you wake up to pee.
at 8am you wake up and do your morning stuff, bathe eat whatever else.
at 12nn you eat lunch.
at 3pm you have a snack.
at 6pm you have dinner.
at 8pm you go to sleep.
and... all of that, as something routine. something you cannot control. something you do without having to think. something your instincts tell you to do and you cannot go against.

while in between these times, you have all the freedom to do what you want.
oh you could kill yourself if you want to.

but is this still called life?

i suppose if it comes to summin like this, "life" would become, in itself, your "suicide".
IF you have no other needs to dawdle on.
"suicide" becomes the only... description, of your "life".

there is a difference between what you perceive yourself to be, who you really are, and how people see you.

and as much as i wish to be the fast moving assassin with secrets to keep, in real life, i am just another human being creating a fantastical image of myself.

in truth, well, i'm not really clumsy as fuck, and i believe my reflexes are pretty fast, maybe kinda fast, but the way i perceive myself might still be light years away from who i really am.

so... yeah. grounded. must keep grounded.

and then, there's the question of, what if thinking of yourself as smart means that you're dumb?

i think i read that somewhere, or maybe something with the same context.

so where exactly does "humility" end, and where does "being self-aware" belong, and where does "boastfulness" begin?

i need to be enlightened.

Blog. Hai.

Oo. Minsan hinahanap ko din yung male companion ko. Di ko pa nga alam kung sino sya. At kung sakali e iniintay nya rin ba ko.
As in di ko talaga sya kilala.
Nakakapagod din mag-intay ah. Di mo alam kung kelan dadating. Actually, di mo alam kung may dadating ba. At tipo mo ba sya o andyan lang sya para punan ang pwesto ng pagiging partner boyfriend asawa mo.
Gusto ko rin po siya makilala. Di ko alam kung handa na ko o kung kelan pa ko magiging handa. Pero gusto ko sya makilala. Para meron din akong rason para magising tuwing umaga...

So i'm nuts again. This is the feeling i missed so much. But it will be gone soon. "He" will be gone soon. Oh wait. He won't. But my stupidity will be gone soon. Yep. And i will miss it once again.

Where the heck is he?? Or maybe he doesn't exist, just like this one doesn't. They're the same sort. Someone you dream of but cannot have anyway. Well, maybe in some realms. Lol. Dream on.