Sometimes i confuse myself.

I love you. Whether you're that kind or not. You also look really good in blacks and neutral tones. And that long-sleeved polo was KILLER. You're also the cutest when you're trying to figure something out and it shows in your face and your actions. Those brows. Hahaha. So cute.
I'm sorry that I cannot tell you all of these. Sorry for myself. Because it's just not appropriate. They say that you gotta try stuff while you're still young. Well no, not this one. I don't want people talking. And I don't want what's already there to vanish.
It just breaks my heart that you don't really seem to feel the same. But that's how it usually is, right? I'm fine by that, as long as you're still a friend.

Imagine a boundary line. This line is stagnancy. Some people go up slowly, and some people just vanish off the charts in one sudden drop.

I experienced the drop yesterday and today. It was slow, but it just went down... down... down... i was in stagnancy before the fall.

But then, things changed again just when i almost hit rock bottom. So now, it went up, and is back at stagnancy.

It's a weird feeling. You don't know if you're happy because it went back up, or sad because it only ever reaches stagnancy.

Right now though, I'm just happy that, maybe I'm not as repulsive as I thought I was yesterday. Still repulsive, but not as much, maybe.

I still don't know if that was a conscious effort though. I'll just be realistic and think that it was a bug. The emptying AND the putting back up.

well it... seems like a very abrupt end to the journey.

everything suddenly feels... it's like every activity is taxing, but i'm only experiencing the effects now. all at the same time. like... waves of anguish and remorse and self-loath...

i haven't even actively done anything hahaha.

i could be interpreting this all wrongly but... it's enough sign to show that, nope, we're not even "connected".

i'm sitting up straight right now because i'm trying to keep myself from breaking up, crumbling. cracking and falling apart.

what do you know?

am i that repulsive?

i guess i am. haha. i mean, really. no suitors, no boyfriend, no... well, 2 admirers from the past. not that i'm taking them for granted but... well, i rejected 1, and the other didn't move. oh and that guy. that guy, yes. that's about it. and then years and years and years rolling... with nothing.

...........

to cut everything short, i just feel like i'm not really needed or wanted. and it hurts more than anything, because it promptly removes all purpose from your life. it makes you empty. it makes you a shell. it removes all depth from you. there has so far been nothing and no one to make me feel like i have some worth. yeah, work. but i think anyone can easily replace me. parents? okay. that's supposed to be natural though. anything else? none. nada. zilch.

It's not diminishing. I miss you so much. I should stop. OTL

I'll be seeing you again. And there will be nothing again. Maybe I really should learn to set some kind of... level? what do you call it... for myself. Some bar. What does loving oneself mean? I think I'm just gonna go overboard if I practice it lol.

At the moment though, you're just way up there. On Mt. Olympus. And I'll just be gazing at you from down here. You'll just be something I can't reach and have. You'll just be a somebody marking months (would it get to years?) on my calendar. And I will be happy and sad, at the same time, whenever I see your name on one of the days, because it means I was with you, far apart as we are.

You're always... *always*... at the back of my mind. You never leave. You never give me breaks.
I miss you in a way that a scientist would be eager to see his lab rat.
I don't know how else to feel about you.
No open doors. No clear windows.
God is a goddamn joker sadist.
:(

"Do you have a boyfriend already?"
No, I don't.
Everyone's been too wise.
Yes, i know it's weird and late and not really normal. And yes, i feel lonely, and it's not as simple as being lonely because i have no companion. I'm lonely because *i feel like i am not good enough for anyone*. I feel like no one likes me as i am because im too... ugly or quiet or stupid or directionless or weird or childish or... i dunno... i just dunno.

Because they are pretty.
Pretty, pretty girls. With awesome wit and an amazing personality.
They know who they are, and they beautify themselves because they want to look pretty. The attraction is just a bonus.
Who isn't attracted to confident people?
They are noticeable because they bring a presence about themselves.
They can make people look in their direction when they enter a room. That much presence.
They can command. Because they can call.
They enjoy who they are.
I don't know if they feel any insecurities about themselves once in a while. Though i expect that they do. Because humans. But def not as much as i do about myself.

Do i have to be like them? Do i have to...
Ugh. It's just not me. What's with the air they bring?
I dunno. I can't seem to be like them.
I guess it's also because i see myself differently than they do themselves.
My priorities are probably outright skewed lol.
People are only trying to uplift themselves when they say that everyone is unique...

yep. i miss you.



i'm kind of... starting to feel meh about this though. i guess everything starting to actually fall into place within my head.



i still miss you, but... that's all.

Do i need you?

I wish that i could freely say that i do. But i dont know you as much as i wish to. Im interested, but i dont know how to say so. And... well, rejection and norms and some such bull. Which ends with me not knowing you enough to say that i like who you are.

Im not even sure if i can simply sacrifice everything for you. For you. I don't know how that would end up. I mean it looks so... unfavorable. So daunting and not worth it because it might just embarass the shit outta me, altho thats from a very selfish perspective. Really tho, would you sacrifice your little piece of self worth for something so unlikely to end up well?

I dunno... it feels too daunting to conquer. It's not gonna get any less daunting tho, no matter how much time passes, and eventually it might just pass... sadly.

I feel like i'm not good enough for anything or anyone. I feel like i'm continuously failing my job. Or at best, being so so at it. I feel like my skills are not good enough to be recognized. Not good enough to be accepted. Not revolutionary enough to be pioneering. Not brilliant enough to get attention and admiration. Not "there" enough. I feel like i'm just a passing nobody. A thing to fill up the spaces. Dust. Dirt. Grime. There but not useful. There but disposable. Something that does what needs to be done, but does not excel at it. An ordinary worker. Something that would probably disrupt work but can be easily replaced. It's like... just being not needed. Mainly. Not a necessary step. Not an important gear in the machineworks of society. Or even of someone, anyone in particular. I'm tired of this feeling, but i don't know how to escape it...

christ do i miss you.

you deserve songs. you deserve more than songs.

and you prolly deserve someone better than me too.



but jesus christ.

i just miss you. too much.