...

Why do you keep making me swoon...
It's kinda sad that i prefer to think of things with realism, and realism, to me, means that you have no feelings for me whatsoever, and that you're just naturally adorable and sweet, whether it be me or everyone/anyone else.
I don't want to keep thinking of your actions as signs of affection... i'm afraid of the very possible disappointment that would come with it... but i also don't much know how else to interpret it... i don't want to think of your actions as efforts... efforts towards befriending me or further... but my mind is screwing up and going against all the directions i'm trying to direct it to, and going back to those interpretations...
I cannot help but adore you... in the cuter sense of the word... though also possibly further... quite possibly...
But it's such a huge... undertaking... commitment... it's scary and very risky... but i like you very much... right now though, i'm just gonna try to hide all this. Hide and... control myself... keep from looking all embarrassed and shit. And maybe... just maybe... hope that you see this post, my posts, about you. That you would understand... without me having to face you and grow fruits of doubt in front of your eyes...

...

Do. Not. Think. Anything. Of it.
Do, and it'll only throw you down harder.
There's nothing clearly specific about anything he has done. Don't ASSUME anything. If he doesn't declare, DON'T ASSUME.

2 days worth of closeness

Why do you keep giving me reasons to stay...
I feel so selfish liking you this much... but also awkward and weird haha. But yeah... it feels selfish and... i might be suffocating you silently and without your knowledge...
I just want to tell you what i feel... but it also feels like if i do, id be triggering an avalanche...

i REALLY, REALLY should just let you go.



there's just nothing. nothing. at all. no... no how are yous, no concern, no... i'm not exactly sure what i'm expecting but i mean... if there was something, i think i should be able to feel it, see it happening, some sort of effort... some kind of... push, nudge, towards that direction. but there's absolutely nothing.



i've been single my whole life. there were some long spans of time when i wasn't inspired by anyone. this should be easy... right? this should be let-go-able. this should not be haunting me so much. i should not be feeling so much disappointment over this, when there was nothing to begin with. i guess i just wanted to expect something. i just wanted some kind of... reaction, or correct prediction, or an answered wish, where i didn't have to disrupt the flow of... destiny, or whatever you call it. fate. some written down course of actions. where i didn't have to consciously preempt something, but it would be destined for me, and i would love it so much, and it would be life's most wonderful gift and i will cherish it until my life ends.



i'm disappointed, and down, that you do not even care a tiny bit... you do not even ask, you're not even curious for chrissakes...



but... it simply justifies the more realistic idea that i don't mean anything to you, right? it doesn't affect me if our other workers don't care, don't ask, because they don't mean anything personal to me. you, on the other hand, you hit hardest, because you mean so much to me, you dumb piece of shit. dumb and numb piece of shit. i keep waiting for anything from you. even the slightest changes. but there's just nothing. it hits me hardest that it's you, and it's you who doesn't care, who thinks nothing of me. this person, who means the world to me, does not think the same way of me.



i've never been good at this... i've never been good at choosing the right people. maybe it just fits me best to be alone. i dunno.

maybe other people fit in better with other people. not with me. not ever with me.

why is mutual such a hard concept to obtain...

you make me cry because you do not do anything...

I'm jealous.

I feel jealous when you talk to her...
I feel jealous and, somehow, angry...
I feel like... i'm a shadow... to you...
Like... she takes the spotlight and... takes all of it...
I feel like I'm... suddenly the underdog... suddenly the subordinate... like i am suddenly... useless...
Which i probably am to you...
And how she relishes it... i want to slap some sense into her... break that rock-hard skull of hers...
But i do not have the right to be this way...
How do you ever do it... break my heart without doing anything...?

There is no life to my existence.

I've been a diabetic for... going 19 years. Type 1.
It did not much matter to me before when my results were erratic. And they just continued to be erratic even to the present.
A DM sufferer is supposed to practice life as one huge daily routine. To be honest, I can't live with that. I just can't. I. Fucking. Can't.
I was born a rebel, though not a boisterous one. I've been fighting rules since I was a kid. There are things that just don't make sense to me, in that i do not find them practical, enjoyable or efficient, or all three. Right now, I still keep fighting the idea of a rather boring life for a DM sufferer. I love the idea of spontaneity.
I wish DM was something that I can keep in control through simple means. Maybe just taking a pill every meal time. And then you can go hiking or camping alone or walking somewhere far or... just something that isn't limiting.
I was told that I needed a regular activity.
I don't have the motivation to do it. My mind just rebels against it. I don't want it.
And I'm tired of the thought of it. Of the thought of doing an activity, daily injections, daily blood tests, daily food control... daily control everything... i don't want it anymore...
If anyone feels good about their diabetes, if anyone feels free with it, or feels that they have finally attained freedom from it... well, no, you haven't. No one ever has... this is a slow, painful, frustrating death...