just feeling so... down. negatively placid.
and tired, overall.

i just wish things were so simple. a no is a no, a yes is a yes, and a wait means a yes but not now.

and umm... dunno. i just hate myself. this isn't an emo sort of thing ok. it's just... i hate that i have to live with myself. hate that i was born like this. it's not an angry, raging kind of hate. it's just... just hate. just don't like. i feel very inadequate. like my life and my being is the epitome of things that should have been done, but weren't done.

i'm pretty disappointed with myself. somehow. i think i can do better things, but when that situation comes, where i need to do my best, it's like my best is... just so average. just so unspecial. it's just something other people would maybe look at once and then pass by, or maybe not even look at.

i just don't feel fulfilled or able to fulfill what i want. what my brain wants. it's like a lot of things are stopping me. lots of both existing and nonexisting things. i don't want those limits, but i feel like i'm limiting myself.

bah. enough of this shit.