Brain just keeps saying, whining, "i wanna go home."

Everyday i feel homesick and i don't even know where home is.

It feels like the people around me are just tolerating me.

Im not questioning their intent or their willingness to be there. I know most of them have pure intention and actually will help if i need them. And im very grateful for that. I hope i can be that to them too.

But i think maybe, they would switch rooms if i was with them and the option is there.

I feel embarrassed about myself because i feel like... it is a form of flattery when i get attention. And/but, i don't want to chase it. That would be even more embarrassing. Also, attention shouldn't be a big thing. The big thing should be, being an able contributor. If attention comes from that, thats nice. If not, then theres just none of it.

But ultimately, i am neither here nor there. So...

It feels like waiting for something that will never come. And doubting if i can handle it, maybe even running away, if it did. It's so stupid.

It just feels frustrating. Feels like being trapped in an endless loop. My brain is thinking "it will end eventually." But everyday, esp going to work, i want to cry. "Here we go again... when will this end..."

I just dreamed of myself assuming my mother is dead, but thankfully the other people in my dream found that ridiculous and pointed me to where she was, very much alive.

Trying to look at my future and i see nothing.

I don't see the point in doing all of this. In doing anything at all. I enjoy my games but it's also very clear to me that these are temporary, fantastical achievements, nothing more.

I feel like, if the gods are truly alive and they wove my fate, that they're somehow toying with me, giving me wants that i can't have. Making me yearn for a different life.

I wonder how i would be if i was born into a different situation. But i think if i was born with the same character i have now, things will still be the same.

I dunno. I think other people would for sure benefit more, and give back more, from the oxygen and comfort im consuming.