To be... approachable? Without having to twist reality.
Or
To be wary... and find a person who prefers sense over rose-tinted glasses...

Hmm.

It feels stupid to me to try to be idealistic... everyone wants good but no one works to be it. Then they see the flower but fail to see the spider. They get mad when they get caught when really, the webs have been there all along...

I can't help it. It feels empty inside.
The little victories are nice and all, but altogether fleeting...

Feeling every bit insecure. Every bit not enough...
I'm looking at people from my vantage point and everyone seems to have happy, perfect, full lives with friends and family and just... you know, they find comfort easily, thus finding their "homes" easily too.
I still yearn to go home.
Why does it seem like i don't have this connection that other people can easily experience?
Do i isolate myself too much?
I'm well aware that i am not at all special. Beyond that... i don't know. You have special people finding other special people to bond with. Mediocre people with mediocre people too. And actually, there's no special or mediocre, thus everyone finds someone, somewhere, someday.
So i... i dunno what the future holds for me but at the moment, i feel very alone. Like as much as i want to make friends or be sociable or be approachable or interesting yada yada... like all of that is not in me. Like i could superficially try but at the end of the day i'd just feel like i am being a traitor. And i won't be able to continuously do it anyway.
I wonder where that connection is. I need it too...

Hmm.
Am i missing something?
Or maybe i just hate ppl and it shows?
I don't hate *everyone*...
Maybe i just lack personality.
I mean... people with bright or loud personalities have no problem dealing with others. Or having someone like them.
Im maybe both independent and scared of being dependent.
How do i even talk with ppl? The only time im comfortable is when they dont see me.
I feel empty all the time.

Strings breaking in my heart. I can feel it. Them. I can feel them breaking.
I feel worthless everyday but more so right now.
I just want to disappear so i don't have to feel this, and other future hurts, anymore.
It's like... i do want to be as smoke... but not so much as to only be remembered for my pathetic abilities.
I have much more to myself, you know. I don't even know how deep i am. But maybe it's too dark, that's why people run away before they try to explore. Maybe it's too scary to risk the dark and find nothing.

Been a really long while.
Me writing here is a bad sign.

Just put your insecurities away, self. Just... just fuck off. Just go away. Stay away from the situation. You don't have to be that same end again. Let them take that place if they want to. They're better at moving away from it than you are.

You're not... you're not beautiful. You're not interesting. You're not... fit for anything or anyone.

no. i'm alive. and i feel more stupid now.

congrats, self.

Bye.

Keep seeing our house's room whenever i wake up from sleep, in that mid-wake state...
I wanna go home... 😔

I havent written anything for... quite a long while, i think.

I saw this pinterest post before that said something like, it's easier to fall out of love than to fall out of love because you aren't missed. Or... i dunno, i could be mixing 2 pic posts up. Anyway, it mirrors my feelings. Mirrored.

Umm.

Life is boring.
I feel like my brain is regressing.

I don't know if im being selfish or if my dad really is selfish and/or numb...

Honestly just... tired of being left to catch up... i mean like... i feel like i might be annoying him because he keeps dragging me everywhere and yet if he didnt hed prolly have done more than hes doing now.

At the same time i feel like my worth is just diminishing bit by bit... theres the nagging feeling again of "do people actually need me or maybe theyre just dragging me along out of courtesy..."

"I feel like a plant in a too small pot" indeed.

I feel like... my lifeline has been pulled out... was pulled out since i transferred work... and now i dont where to grab for one again...

*sigh*

i'm at that state where i'm wishing i could just go back to my old work..........

this job is boring. if it's even a "job".

and i'm srsly not learning anything.

the start was nice. frantic but nice. having to meet bank people and learning the process. all of those were new to me, so that was nice. not necessarily enjoyable, but still tolerable. right now though, i'm just not doing anything. i mean, cripes. i'm actually playing games here. mmo games. what else is there to do???

My interest in strange and/or new people can mess up my brain, and im not sure if i like them because i like them or i like them because theyre curious creatures.

I don't understand why my brain works this way.

Thought I would see you today... feel kinda sad that I didn't...

I imagine it would be nice to find people who are pretending to be experts in their field but are actually just as lost as i am...

I've been thinking. Been going to the hosp chapel to think.
I'm more scared about how things will go at home. I feel like padre's gonna be too pushy and mudra... well...
I've been feeling like this glass filled 5/8 with water and being continuously semi-boiled... like hot water but not hot enough to evaporate, and def not cold enough to freeze or settle.
It's honestly tiring.
For the nth time i wished that someone would just be there to catch me or support me.
I have a lot of support though, as in i can see all of em right now, and im grateful.
But you know when sometimes you make stupid blunders and you wish someone was there to watch and laugh with you afterwards... or cry with you, or comfort you, or bring some other perspective while being fully enlightened on all the happenings, and that it would be that kind of mutual support for each other through everything. I wish for that a lot.
You know i wish that during some of my solo thinking travels, someone would find me and just, plainly, understand. And i wish i could do the same for him.
I know that this sudden change is not about me.. and it does make me feel rather selfish for still having this kind of mindset... but sometimes you just want someone to be there in your time of need... and this is one of those times. And... yeah. Through all the support that i've gotten, i still feel like something is missing, and it's more emphasized at the moment...

Lay out the palette and drape yourself in colors of striking beauty
I love you, but im learning not to love you anymore
You are beautiful, and you will keep being beautiful, but i cannot keep on gawking at you, embarrassing myself and losing my self worth over the painful brilliance of your beauty...
It's a very slow goodbye, but i cannot turn back. I will not turn back.

No, doc. I'm not okay. I'm tired.
But it's not like anyone else would be willing to go days doing this.
All this while constantly hearing doors being shut in my face...

2 days. 2 days. More days...
Tired. My head is aching right now.
At least i'm done with the painting.
I miss you.

Day is nearing...

ó n ò

finally...

i'll just be back to how i was before...

Ayaw ko nang mahibang. Puñeta talaga. Masakit umasa sa wala. Katangahan ko lang puhunan ko. Akala ko lang naman kasi maganda yung pagkakaintindihan natin. Akala ko lang. Tanga lang talaga eh. Putanginang tanga ko lang talaga. Di ko alam kung maiiyak ako o magagalit. Parang wala akong... halaga? Well, wala naman talaga, ano ba iniisip ko. Kailan ba nagkaroon. Masakit lang talaga...

Months will pass. Things will change. Not everyone wants to get out of the drowning sea...

I have to stop loving you.

All i want is a bit of support, really... a bit of comfort... presence... im just so fucking tired...

I miss you so much.
I wanna stop writing shit like this but where else do i go?

I will miss you always.
Always always always.

Kahit anong gawin ko masakit parin talaga sa kalooban. Iyak ko nalang...
Parang, di man lang ako binigyan ng chance tumanggi o maghanda...

Tapos di na kita makikita...

Ewan. Nakakaewan. Ang sama lang ng loob ko. Di naman ako galit pero... malungkot. Parang... iniipit ako ng sitwasyon. Wala na kong magagawa.

Iniisip ko nalang na baka nangyari to kasi ayaw talaga akong mahulog sayo...

I love you though.
That's... that's it, and that's just it...
I love you.
Bye...

Be burning in my own fire, inhaling my own smoke...

I need you but i dont think i'll ever be welcome by you... okay then, okay.

I'm just not worth it, am i?

Oh i'll be gone after tomorrow, don't worry. You won't have to think about proper wording anymore. Or sounding friendly.

It's not that i don't mind... more like, i'm prepping myself for it already, because that's how it's gonna go... right?



People go away. Or they don't run after you. It just happens.

It's times like these that really highlight how much you don't need me.

😐😦😧

I just feel really unwanted right now. Heh.
And at a time when i need people.
Oh but heck, i dont even know how talk. I shouldnt be expecting people to read my mind...

It feels like no one is listening.

Im not sure what is bugging me more: that i miss him or that my dad could possibly have a tumor.

I know, if anyones reading this, you'd prolly be thinking "on what book would those 2 even get on the same level of seriousness??"

Im well aware of that.

Im kind of surprised at how im reacting to dad's findings. I'm imagining glimpses of life before, during and after his surgery. The many possibilities. One of em being he might not make it. Another being he might need chemotherapy for a long time. The best one would be that he would go thru with it, prolly need several days in the hosp, then house rest for a while, and go back to his old routine.

I'm, of course, sticking to the last one. But as i have written, i know it could go another way, a worse way.

I also know that he's distraught. Could clearly see it in his face and hear it in his voice. I know he's scared. And i don't know how to comfort him because i don't want him to keep hoping for a good outcome. I want it to be realistic for him. I don't want to trick him into thinking everything will be fine, 100% sure, then let the unfolding events possibly pull him downwards.

I know hes smart enough to know what's going on. So im just gonna be here for him. And hope that things turn out smoothly and well.

And this is why im ranking this current problem with my missing you. It's only because i don't yet want to believe that things are going downhill. Thats all.

And it made me think, if you were active now, whether i would approach you to tell you everything...
I dont think i would, simply because it's not my nature. But... it would be nice if you knew, and you'd be there for me too...

That plurk post... i don't know why my reply doesn't seem to be getting to you... i know i'm just assuming too much, but it would feel kinda nice to know if you feel that way...
Either you do or don't though... i really miss you, even though i don't know how to deal with you... 😳

I miss you.
Messenger is probably the arsehole.

I am happy right now... anxious underneath, but happy...
I wonder when the next drop will be...

I miss my hesrt..
Morning just-woke-up blues...

How do you do it?
Why do we seem to jive but at the same time, i become so scared of the jive that i choose to be quiet? You say you are dense but i really feel like you're not, you just choose to close the door on everything...
And it hurts. In all honesty, it hurts me. I don't think you're losing anything over this. But, I think i am. I think im on the losing end. I think i am clinging to you because you seem the kind who would not be hungry enough to burden me further. And thats the difference. You have everything. I have nothing. Thats a problem i can never prove to be inexistent.

I keep waiting for you. It's pathetic and pointless, but i still do. I still want to share even a small moment of my day with you. I agree with whoever said that this is one of the most painful forms of self harm, this... love. This illogical attachment that is not felt back. I don't know how much longer i'll be enduring this, because no matter how many times i've said it in the past 3+ years, no matter how still the atmosphere between us becomes, no matter how far off from my dreams this is, i still don't stop waiting, wishing, wanting you, wanting to know you more. I don't care if it doesn't go anywhere - i'm even 99% sure it won't - i just want to know who you are. I want that there be a way to ask, discuss, rant, joke freely about anything, any topic that comes to mind. I want us to be comfortable. But it feels like i am just an intrusion into your life. That i am not welcome. Like the door is open but you don't want to go in because you don't like what you see. Which i suppose is reasonable. I mean, we're not in the same league. And even in my league, i'm not good enough, interesting enough. I'm just never enough, aren't i? Never enough. Never.

Bakit lahat ng mahal ko umaalis... o ayaw sa akin...

Mabigat lang sa damdamin.

Sorry kung... kung di ko alam pano makipag usap sayo... kala ko kasi magiging madali. Kala ko magkakatugma rin tayo ng isip.
Ewan ko. Ang hirap mag open up.
Kahit nga sa ka close ko mahirap parin mag open up.
Saka kala ko hindi magiging balandra yung... pagkaiba ng takbo ng utak ko... e mukang di ko rin naman maipakita sayo yun...

Sakit lang sa loob pag mahalaga sayo yung tao, pero para sa kanya, parang... epal ka lang. Nakikisingit lang.

Namimiss kita pero yun nga... sana ikaw naman ang maghanap sakin. Ikaw naman mauna. Para alam ko rin naman na di lang ako yung nagpupumilit. Naghahabol. Nagpapakatanga.

Nalulungkot lang...

Yes, i miss you, and i wish that i could make you laugh as much as she said she did... yes, i felt slightly jealous... and i felt so incompetent and useless and boring...
But as much as things are awkward... as hard as i keep trying, seemingly to no avail... i cannot keep the charade going by myself... you're not a spectacle, and you're not an audience. If you want this, be a participant. If you won't, then i will not continue. If you don't want this any more than or equal to how much i do, i will not keep at it anymore... it is useless, and it just makes me feel more undeserving...

Before you move on, you first move away...

Just feel so disappointed with myself and who i am...

Im missing you a lot today. Missing your calm vibrance.
I don't want to suffocate you though. I feel like i'm already mildly doing it as it is...
And for all the chatting, i should remember that it's not anything special...
It's like, instead of the freedom i so wanted to occur, what i got instead was the daily reminder that i am unlovable.

saturdays. wonder where you are...

you made my day. thank you.

but it also scares me, thinking about what the exchange would be...

is it so bad to ask for someone who cares...

this problem is just nagging and gnawing at my brain. i'm just tired right now. i don't even mind if you don't show up or lend a hand. i just wish you'd be even just very slightly curious about what's happening...

is it so bad to ask for you to care...

but that's you, right? i mean, why am i even dictating how you should be. haha. i bet you don't even know that something's happening.

but yeah, i'm just tired...

***

it's making me think that all the good and "good" things happening to me, i need to either pay back or let go...

what now...

i'm being drained...

No one listens to morons... i shouldn't keep hoping that someone would take interest, would be concerned enough...

Hello baby... i miss you already...
I will never forget what i saw when we got home. Your eyes were empty. I knew you weren't playing... but omg was i wishing i could still save you.
I love you, my heart.
I'm sorry that i couldn't take you in no matter how much you wanted in.
I feel like such a failure because i couldn't take care of you enough.
I'm so sorry... so fucking sorry... please just remember, if you can, that i love you so much...
I'm going to miss your sweet little greetings whenever i come home. The cute stretches. The bonks on my legs. Waiting for the door to open so you could sneak in. Watching us eat dinner. That super sweet demeanor. You were the sweetest cat i have ever come across. And such curiosity.
I love you so much.
I don't imagine you growing kitty wings haha. Just floating upwards while still looking at us. But it makes me cry more when i remember that i cannot get you back...
I felt angry earlier when i saw your body. I wanted to confront whoever did this to you. It hurts that i couldn't do anything at that moment. I think you might have been hit by a vehicle, but i have no proof.
It was different holding your lifeless body. It wasn't cold, but not warm either. I meowed at you twice, imagining you would answer back, forgetting you can't anymore. Your blood was pooling at the lower part of your laid body. That part was warm, but uncomfortably so... like holding a blood bag. You were getting a tiny bit stiff too, i felt it.
Im still hoping you'll suddenly wake up and come back...
But enough of the senselessness...
I love you, and that's never going to change...

Fireworks provide contrast for darker nights.
I just want to disappear...

If everything goes away, it's okay.
I'm used to it happening.
It's kind of strange feeling alone all the time, not seeing any kind of realistic or normal futures ahead... i don't know how people see the world, but however way it is, they're lucky to be able to enjoy even the smallest things.
It's not that i don't feel the same way over certain things. But when i look at other people, they seem to have problems but could simply push the thoughts away until it starts blocking their paths.
Meanwhile, the only future i can imagine is living alone with the full extent of my freedom kept on my daily bag, walking around and exploring by foot the little nooks and crannies people seem to take for granted... because, y'know, beauty is everywhere, and finding a quiet place is a reward in itself. And i do realize that that is more of a dream than a future. Because the only realistic future i can see is one where... i'm not exactly happy nor free.
And if everything goes away... there is a certain freedom exchanged for it. And it's welcome, if it's the only thing that can tolerate me.

What Each Myers-Briggs Type Does In A Rut (The Rise Of The Inferior Function) | Page 2 | Thought Catalog

INFP

Cognitive Functions: Introverted Feeling – Extroverted Intuition – Introverted Sensing – Extroverted Thinking

How the rut develops: When they first sense a problem developing, the INFP will withdraw and attempt to sort through their feelings about the situation. They may spend a larger than normal amount of time alone as they work through which of their ideals and morals can help them sort through the situation. If they cannot make sense of their feelings, the INFP will incorporate more of their extroverted intuition into the mix. In this phase, they will try to brainstorm as many ideas as possible that might help pull them out of their negative headspace. If this also does not help, the INFP may default to their introverted sensing. In this phase, they will turn to tried-and-true methods of pulling themselves together – they will understand that they are under stress, so they will consider what has helped them in the past and will turn to old coping mechanisms. If even this fails to help, the INFP may fall prey to their inferior function.

What the rut looks like: An INFP in a rut reverts to their extroverted thinking. This normally creative individual will become fixated on making the most logical choices available and will lose their creative edge. They will convince themselves that they are nobody special and therefore should not pursue a life of passion. They may get stuck at a job or in a relationship that suppresses their creativity and prevents them from adhering to their personal values.

How to get out of it: To break out of a rut, the INFP needs to get back in touch with their introverted feeling. They need validation – whether interpersonal or individual – that their creative side is both appreciated and admired. They need to surround themselves with people who understand them and pursue a field of work or study that lines up with their personal values. Above all else, the INFP needs to feel as though they’re getting back in touch with the most authentic version of themselves.

What their return to health will look like: As their mindset improves, the INFP will become more and more interested in creative pursuits. Their self-confidence will grow and they will steadily give themselves additional license to pursue what they are interested in and passionate about. They will no longer feel the need to defend their choices based on practicality – they will feel confident that they are living in line with their values and that will be what matters to them most.

***
read through this. by the end, the only feeling i have is that, i may have been fighting too hard for so long, and/or for something that is not rightfully mine to build or develop...
still don't know if i'm in the right path haha. if there is even a path. if i am even doing anything to clear up a path.

it's possible i saw my kitty baby's remains earlier... tho it's been... a week? since we last saw her (i think it's a her but i cannot still ascertain when she was still with us). kitty remains were squished, obviously run over by a car...

sometimes it's nice to be an animal, because unlike people, they don't have very long memories, and are not stuck recalling certain moments of their lives... trauma is a different thing, of course, in that it hurt them too much so that it becomes part of their system... something their brains had developed a defense mech for. but when you're a cat, and your kitten goes missing, and you don't understand what had happened and neither have the ability to reason and blame... then things can be sad, but you move on easy, not halted by the death of an offspring, because the only thing you will have to be thinking about is survival... you don't connect your childbirth, your birth pains, to the existence of your child... maybe you miss the company, you feel that the opportunity to spread your genes is missing or lost, but you do not stay unrealistically hopeful, because everything else would've been put at stake... and that is a power that i could envy.

Okay i have definitely brought the shitstorm to me hahahahahahah

Things... things have to change. Things have to be screwed then unscrewed...