40 minutes more to decide.
To tell or not to?
I want this over with, but i'm so scared of the implications...

Hey, love. If you already know, just tell me, so i can stop being anxious.

I think we connect, but at the same time, it all looks superficial...
Why, i wonder.
I'm probably just along the first few chapters of the book, as it is.
I'm... not sure how this is... what this is... or maybe i'm just thinking too much of everything. Again.

I don't put up my mushy thoughts on plurk or anywhere else because i feel people are gonna judge me for 'em.
A bit on plurk, but not so much as i feel i would saturate my friends with em lol.
But i don't know how else to translate or express my feelings than through writing them down. I'd have my tongue in tangles if i tried speaking out everything, coupled with the shakes because holy crap i'd be nervous as heck.
Expressive people are lucky to have their ability.
I feel like i can't do shit with what i have. Even my art feels distorted lol.
But anyway...
I'm just a hopeless romantic trying to build a story in my head, which one day is going to tumble down, all of it, because all it's ever made with are airy wishes and flitting dreams...
Sadly.

I don't know what to make of you...

Christmas came and went, and you were nowhere to be found...

*sigh*

I don't know why i keep hoping when no signs means a clear No...
Like, i would have loved a simple greeting, but even that was not given.

Indifference can hurt...

Feeling so down...
I want to send you a message about my feelings but i'm too scared that you'll fly away...
So i'm still thinking and trying to decide.
And now one of my loves is missing or gone...
I want to cry... it feels like too much... and seeing the hope/sadness of mum kitty... it probably would sound funny to someone else but omg... i feel what she feels and it's so fucking heavy on my heart... i feel guilty that i can't take care of them better...
💧

Nakakaiyak lang yung pagkatorpe ko haha. Ang hirap magsalita.

Tanga mo kasi. Hintay ka nang hintay eh... unang una, di ka naman nya hinahanap. Pangalawa, di naman sya nagpahintay.
Ewan ko baaaaaaaa.
Nakaka-frustrate lang.
Mas ok na sana yung ayaw/huwag kesa nakabitin ka sa ere...

guessing you were at work today. wish i could've gone there too. sadly can't.
then again, it's not like anyone needs me there for anything besides work. esp you. you don't even need me for work. you just don't, in general.
it's always been this sad state... going 3years now. i wish i can easily change this.

I miss you. I'm sorry if i'm awkward, or if i seem like i don't care about you, and i look snobbish... i just don't know how to translate how i feel. I wish you'd see the things i write so that you'll know the turmoil running in my head... :|

Dreamed that i had kissed you on your right cheek. That's after a long trip somewhere. It was both a thank you and a trial. You were surprised, and i think you backed away, though very very subtly, and it felt like you're not coming back.

Will you already be there tomorrow..?

Why am i even asking. I already told myself a buncha times to stop. It's not like it's mutual. Feck this.

i missed you.

i know it's not obvious, because i consciously try to keep it hidden. but i missed you. and i was so happy to have found a monkey key chain because omg i didn't know what to give you LOL

i don't know if i'm disappointing being like this. i don't know how to break my own barrier...

I hope you'll be there tomorrow because jfc if you won't be i feel like i'd be bringing this melancholy with me for 4/more days...
It's not the right thing to feel esp since i want to forget you but here it is. Presenting it to you.

i miss you... friggin hell.

Love is a privilege.

So early today, love.
Wonder what you do on mornings.

Life goes on: progresses, ebbs, never stays in the same place all around you.
And here, you grieve for a single life that ebbs and flows without you.
Your foolishness and hardheadedness is unreasonable.

No, we just don't.
I'm kinda disappointed, but then again, you've done so much more with your life than i have with mine.
Proof again that i'm... well... living backwards.

》》》》》

Tbh i feel unmotivated right now.
Work motivates me because i know that i'm needed by other people, so their needs could be met.
But um...
Personally i... dont have anything in mind.
I feel tired a lot. Constantly. I feel like im being extra sensitive to possibly nonexistent problems, but i can't stop myself from reacting to them...

》》》》》

I'm just... meh, really.

Being haunted by thoughts of self loath.
Show up. Help me.

You feel cold.
Maybe i'm just imagining things too.
Anyway, i hope your cough goes away soon. Just went thru my own bout of cough, it's not nice. I dunno if it's making you cranky.
. .... ...

Morning missings. No mirrors to be found...

Nanlalambot ako.

Pagod na ko.

Hintay nang hintay sa napakaraming wala. Lagi akong nakakadisappoint. Lagi akong nadidisappoint. Although sanay na ko, kung ako lang din naman. Pero nakakapagod parin.

Ang sakit sa puso. Ayoko na gumalaw. Ayoko na kumilos. Ayoko na mag-effort ng kahit ano, kahit kanino.

Sorry na. Wala talaga kong kwenta eh. Sana nga di nalang ako nabuhay.

It's dangerous when i feel neglected... i start feeling unmotivated and unfocused and pointless... i can live on my own, but it's different when people are around you, or that particular someone is around, and you're... you're treated like furniture. Like the floor. Like air.

You have your life, and i have mine.

This is teaching me patience, detachment and independence, and individuality and reliability.

And most of the time, i just wish my brain would shut down, stop imagining things that could happen, stop asking for so many things in secret, stop trying to put my shoes in your lawn, in your house, in your heart. You are a good neighbor, but 2 people living under one roof is a choice - 2 made choices actually - and i do not have the privilege of agreement. I do not have the privilege of mutual understanding. I do not have the privilege of having you.

And sometimes, i wish... i wish you were so easy to hate, so i could have a reason to leave. And i definitely wish that i wasn't so biased towards imagined happenings, because imagination tends to be stronger that reality in my head...

I still cannot decipher you. And i've known it for so long, but it's still a maybe - maybe i should stop trying to.

Miss you horribly but cannot and will not tell you anything.

Why do i have to do everything... jfc you make me cry without you knowing...

1.45am.
I have times where i just want to cry, for small reasons propelled on by deeper grievances.
Like when i felt very disconnected earlier just because i have a cold that's been staying with me for 2 weeks.
And um... kinda feels like im invisible. Or dumb.
I dont know if these are natural feelings or im just narcissistic. I read some stuff about how no one should blame others if they dont notice you, because theyre also in that same state of self concern and are not as conscious of others.
I wonder which group i belong to.
And i dont know if its natural that i feel neglected at my current state of relationships with people.
Must be nice to be numb about your personal needs. Everything would mean a lot. Abnormally lots.

You're leaving at dawn, but I don't want to miss you anymore...

Please tell him that i love him as he is, and he does not have to strive for validation, and that i did not give him a heart to simply show support, but to tell him that what he has done is beautiful, and that even though i appreciate some of his work more than i do his other works, it does not mean that i neglect them, because even they serve as windows to his soul and intellect.
Please tell him that someone appreciates him, excellent or average or poor, that someone appreciates his wholeness, and believes that his wholeness transcends the beauty of perfection.
Please tell him that life is not simply for show, and that a backstage pass is valued more than a front seat ticket.

Im lost. Yup. Im... i feel very... out of place? Like, my mind looks at a lot of stuff and looks for something from all of it... something i could connect to... im quite obsessed with my imaginary connection with you, for one. Then as nicely as it forms, it snaps off, one by one. Not just with you though. With everything. Sometimes it's just nicer to be with animals. Theres a very basic connection when its with them. But with people, it feels like a competition every day. Or like a right minus wrong quiz. It feels horribly alienating esp when you want a deeper connection with a particular someone, and none is forthcoming. Where do you put your value as a human being? Do you want to be treasured by just a few people, or loved by lots but not deep enough? Both are positive, in their own ways. I prefer the former, but i strive for a general goal of the latter. The former i still value more though. And... it's kind of missing. It's not... i haven't exactly seen it yet. Sometimes i feel so desperate to find this/these persons, and fear that i might be pushing the notion towards the wrong people. Same with my art. It's either i go personal or i go commercial, and commercial feels very much against my... my intentions. Or maybe im just not good enough to be both. As with my relationships. Maybe im just not good enough, in general, as what i usually notice.

I have some memories of you that i feel... i cannot simply put away... but at the same time, i'm not sure how i'm supposed to interpret them...

But if you do not need me, or worry about me, then what is the point of those little memories...

Everything's just going down the drain~

The things i had been imagining, the dreams... the little adventures we could have... pet shops, cafes, solo times and knowing theres someone you could go back to when youre back from them... gifting you a watch, maybe a pair of shoes, a nice top... little morning notes... talking about going to trips... me learning from you...

My head can be full of itself sometimes... forgetting what the reality is, the absolute dishonesty that is being formed in the mind not being recognized...

Im throwing all of that away...

If you by chance would like for me to be part of your life, you are very welcome to try and ask, make your effort. Just that i don't want to imagine things anymore, or lay down the road for you. You can build it yourself. If you want to.

Things are slowly breaking apart. Everything is. I don't want anything to do with anyone anymore. Friends, sure. Some close pals. But anything involving commitment is a goddamned curse. Platonic or romantic. It's a damned curse. It's not like anyone's trying anyway. I think no one likes or needs my presence either, but I'm thinking it should now go both ways. From them, and now, maybe from me too.
Maybe that's why i was tagged a user back then. Maybe they think i'm being needy yet not there. It's never good to be reliant. On anyone. Once you build something up, they expect you to always be there too. And i know that i havent been like that. Im just not sure when. I never intended for things to be one-sided, but what i intended was that we be there for each other when it is needed, when the sitch calls for it. Maybe i havent been there, or i havent let my presence feel that way, and maybe she thinks shes done it for me. Im sorry if i was a disappointment. Im a horrible friend haha. Im never there. And it's all coming back to me. And i don't want this... (unintentional) rejection anymore. If i can't do my part as a friend, what more something else, and as it is, i shouldve known to expect the same treatment from others too. It's not their fault. It's mine, from the start.

the maelstrom never formed. there was nothing to form it with, to begin with.

everything ends here.

this image/quote might sound... ancient, but it feels true. and it applies. and i need to wake up.

some people are meant to make a difference, while some are simply meant to fill the role of... workers. the tiny tiny cogs of world progress. some would think the tiny cogs are just as important as the thinkers, the movers, but... it doesn't feel that way.



i'm tired.



i'm a tiny, rusty cog. readily thrown away.

ayoko narin sumubok... punyeta... nakakasama lang ng loob. wala ka namang pakialam...

kunsabagay, bat nga ba ko nage-expect. wala ka rin namang mapapala sakin. tapos kamamatay lang din ng erpats mo, syempre nandun parin yung isip mo. dapat lang rin naman atang ganun. ako lang rin ata yung makasarili. saka, malay ko ba kung anong tumatakbo sa isip mo. malay ko rin ba kung anong meron sa buhay mo ngayon. malay ko rin ba kung ano ka nga ba.

nakakasama lang ng loob. yun lang.

You know what? He doesn't care one bit. I want to cry. I'm so frustrated. I wanna take down these 3-years worth of blog entries, because they don't really mean squat if you don't even notice, if you're not even the least bit interested.

Fuck all this. Fuck it all. The people you wish would listen, they never listen... ever.

I wish i had at least that much self trust as she does.
It's stupid to be frustrated over something not working when you know that you're scared if it does work...

you look sorta tired today, like maybe you didn't get enough sleep.

your shirt was cute. haha. i wouldn't say you should keep wearing it, but it was cute this time.

i wonder if you get mood swings too. if guys get mood swings too. because you looked so happy yesterday.



i'd point you to this blog myself if i were so bold. but i'm not, and i don't know if it would matter to you anyway.



but if you look for your name in this blog, i think you'll find it. i'm not sure if i've erased it, but i think i didn't. i think you'll find it. and you'll know.



and i hope you'll know, so that you'll also know that someone, some other person outside your permanent circle, cares for you too.

I don't look at you because i don't think i can without showing my true feelings...

Heart.

light coffee tonight.



i've been wondering if i'm good at anything. even at being someone's child.



i look at my mom and i feel like i haven't done anything for her.



my mind is kinda... slightly defending itself. lol. i think i've done some stuff. but it never feels enough. or feels like something she'd be proud of. not necessarily to talk about it, just that she would appreciate it. i don't think i've done anything that could garner appreciation.



my mom is rather expressive of her disappointments. my dad isn't.



and i feel that maybe my dad also thinks that i'm useless. he's just not saying it out loud.



i do want a bit of... comforting? maybe someone can tell me otherwise? i don't want anything that sounds like worship or fake, exaggerated support. but it would be nice if someone could, maybe balance it out... tell me if i'm enough, or not, for them... a bit of reassurance, whether i'm on the right track or not...



i'm really pretty lost.



i've also been thinking about when the time comes that i have to do everything by myself. budget everything. pay the bills. get the meds. eat. live. now should actually be the time for all of these, but as it is, i'm not really doing anything...



i saw a post about a certain movie with JGH in it. posted as his words. goes something like, if you love the movie go see it again and watch how selfish JGH's character is, being a lost soul and clinging to the idea of an ideal ZD's character.

i feel like i'm very much guilty of the same sin...

Why do i love you so much when i can't even say that i know you enough and you don't even seem to care? I can't even decipher if we're being friends or just being civil acquaintances... i can't even read you... i'm pretty sure you're hiding something though... but i also don't know if it's a good or bad thing, openminded as i try to be...

So prone to crying today. I can feel it just along the edges of my eyes. Any trigger is gonna make the water fall.

You're a lucky lad...

I have a lot of worries. Esp about the future. Im seeing signs of it. It's causing me distress.

But... well, i dont know if anything will change, but i feel like maybe it would be nice to know that someone thinks of you. Maybe it would push you to do better, or stay strong for a longer time. Simply because you know someones waiting for you.

I'll just go sleep now.

It's always the same message. Again and again.

I usually imagine us being very comfortable with each other. Comfortable as in I don't care if you drool onto my shirt as long as you get some sleep. The comfortable that is not needing words to know how the other feels.

There are never any words in my imaginings.

I wish it was just like that. I wish I could find a way to be as freespirited with you as I am with the lady worker.

Shes real talkative though, sometimes to the point where I wanna be alone. And quite insecure. Rather envious. And... there are times when she cannot stop herself from convincing herself and others about things she wants to happen. And that just feels incredibly narcissistic to me. It's a normal thing to do though, in the perspective of cause and effect.

But you. I don't know your critical points. You intrigue me so much, and you're so secretive that I cannot quite see how you would be around different situations.

It's sad that this is the sort of state that would drive me further into trying to know you.

Sometimes I wish I can be as quick thinking and as extroverted as normal people. I'm a pretty good sponge... and that's all there is to me. And... i would be very happy to just listen to you, if thats the only thing we could ever do together.

I miss you.
Man i'm so cheesy lol. Whatever.
I just miss you.

Proxy?
Time always fits.
I'd love to know if you know.

Clues left behind.
Life slowing down.

Morning first thoughts aren't always reserved for you anymore.

I didn't even know you left early today. (Though I just knew about it because I wanted to see you in your seat, but your desk is already fixed.)

It still hurts to think that things never are the same. Feelings never are the same.
Once you know how it feels, that mutual interest, mutual joy, mutual excitement and adoration... nothing is ever the same. I don't even know if I'll ever find someone again. I'm wishing it will be you, but 2 glasses at a dining table means 2 people eating, and... I feel like my hopes are being slowly ground to pieces haha. Simply because I refuse to believe general opinion until it's proven...

I hope... I want you to know about this. This blog. The feelings i've written here. Your name in this blog. I just want you to know. I want you to know that someone sees you, cares about your wellbeing.

But then again, maybe you have someone to do that for you already. Maybe that's why you don't need, see me anymore...

*sigh*
What would it take to give you a clue? It's all here already. Just look for your name...

Im wishing to be in your thoughts... to be worried about...
Just a bratty thought.

I feel absurdly sick. I hate this inhaled-water feeling. I wanna go to work tomorrow. Maybe then I won't notice that it's going away...

I missed you this morning... thought you weren't coming to work, hehe.
Erm.
Oh, that angle was really good, when i looked at you in your seat, while you and cousin were talking. I was a bit surprised. Also because i didn't know that you're already there.
So... yeah. That's all. I just missed you.
It's a bit... disconcerting, to get attached to someone but, that it wouldn't be any kind of mutual interest, so you're not in any position to ask or know anything. And anything that happens that's out of your reach... worries you immediately.

The little things. Like today. Muntik na. Hahaha. You're so cute.

My heart. My fucking heart.

I keep reverting back to you... such a tough habit to break...
All this pain and you don't even care one bit... which isn't exactly something i should blame you for... but, it doesn't erase or minimize this feelings cocktail of depression, self-incrimination, feeling worthless and all that... i wish i could go back to the time when my former self was not at all interested in you..
.

Oh you'll be scared of me. You'll be scared.
It's like every wrong person in exchange for that one right person...
I'd rather be alone.

I don't know what people want... i feel like maybe i'm too self-centered to understand others... and that would probably be my biggest problem...

I'm sorry for being such a disappointment...

mum has... brain problems..? some brain atrophy.

that thing i read in a crime fiction book, i think i could be right in relating her smelling gas fumes to a problem in the brain... but thank goodness it's not a tumor as how the fiction book presented it as...

but it's still a problem in the brain, and could possibly lead to dementia after some years, and i'm, or i've always been, worried about her having or developing dementia...

there are times, and this is one of em, where i really hope i'm wrong.

i'm not sure what to feel.

mostly worried.

i feel like... there's at least 2 perspectives, or sides, that are going to affected.

i'm... scared? worried? burdened? by the thought of having to care for her... though it's not that i don't want to care for her. it's more of being afraid of and not knowing what to do. how to care for her. how best to understand her.

and then there's the thought of, do i have to stop working and stay at home to care for her? do we hire someone to care for her? what should be best? what is expected of me? what am i supposed to do, or be doing?

and then there's also dad, and i don't know how he's dealing with this. i was kinda confused about why he told me not ask mum about the lab results. i don't know what he thinks of it.

i dunno... kinda wish there's someone who i could talk to about his, ask advise from, something... a little support. a little... reassurance, that things will be fine in any which way, will be fine in the sense that we'll get out of or through it, or to its end... i dunno. just something. i wish... someone could read my thoughts. my face. this blog. my worries. something. something to make me know that someone understands. that i consider this to be "going through something." i don't know if i feel restless or hopeless about this.

It's days like these when it would be nice to know someone worries for you.

And my headache has gotten much better but it doesn't want to go away...

You could go on imagining things... imagining that he's worried for you, imagining that he secretly waits for you, imagining things were different... but all of that is restricted only to your imagination.

You can keep on hoping, dreaming, but things won't change...

Do i work or wait? I don't want to force anything, even myself. I think of consequences too much. It's just my brain though, adjusting to a new mission.

I should keep this up.

I don't know what i'm looking for. But i'm looking for something.

Tend to like people who don't really remember my existence haha.
I'm... scared of... going beyond that, too. I don't trust myself enough to be able to maintain something so meaningful. It looks both exhilarating and burdensome, esp. because it involves someone else... someone you love.
I don't know how these things work. I just know that there came a time when i just wanted to tell you what i feel and don't even care anymore what the outcome would be. Still too scared to actually do it though, haha. If you already know, please tell me, so i can actually see a finish line to this.
I just really want to forget you now. The feeling of being... engulfed by someone's existence is incredibly beautiful and light. Addicting, even. Habit forming. But it's also very... heavy. I can't say if i actually wanted this burden or not. And i can't say that the attraction has worn off... i'm just choosing to overcome it. Just because it's much more realistic to do so.
Prove me wrong if you want to. It'd be a very welcome move, albeit a bit scary. I'd instantly change my course for you. But if you don't, then i'll just keep trying to break this curse, until i finally do.

I don't know why i keep hoping for a better turn of events... a better outcome... a happier one...
I don't know why i'm never good enough... i do know that i'm not at all outgoing, and i can be walled up too much... but why isn't anyone even trying...?
It's not just a thing of not having a boyfriend, a companion, someone who would adore you and care for you... it's a show, either just between the 2 of you or for the whole world, that you have someone who accepts you completely, wants to get to know you more, wants to take responsibility for you because you're just that precious to him... i dunno. It's just starting to feel like i don't deserve that kind of love and acceptance.

i miss you.



i'm just fighting it back. it takes effort to fight back. it takes effort to look at everything from a different, clearer perspective and find that... well. that it's not going to be how i used to wish for it to be. it's a learning process.

Let go, dear... let go...
You've always known that it will be painful. The longer it lasts, the more painful it ends. So just keep at it, it'll pass sooner than you think. You don't have to, or have any, handle on this anymore, on him anyway.
Just remember when you feel weak, that he'll come by if he wants to. If he wants to...

(But that also hurts, no? Because no one's ever really, perseveringly wanted to...)

Cry, because every single time feels like a rejection.
Cry, because there's nothing good that comes out of a one-sided goodbye.
Because you know that from now on, you decide that he is not worth looking for anymore.
And it's never easy, because even if nothing has ever happened, everything always felt like a hopeful kindle. But now you decide that the firewood is drenched. It is unusable. It is worthless to hope for warmth from.
It's cold again. Like it has always been. The mirage of my desert is gone.

It hurts... my chest feels heavy with gloom... like trying to reach something that will always be so far away...

I don't know what I feel.
I've confessed to a cousin already. I don't know what he thinks about it.
But from my perspective, it seems a pointless road to walk on. I don't think he even cares. Which is... well, to be expected.
I think I'm just being engulfed by this hopeful hopelessness I'm feeling. It's weird being dragged this way and that by my brain. I really want to just flick a switch for this. Stop this stupidity from continuing.

My heart does not know who to look for. Ive given it to someone who does not know he has it, and does not know how to just give it back if he does not want it... i miss him, i wish he thinks of me, but i doubt that would happen...

I miss you.
You feel so cold to me.
Maybe it feels the same way from me to you. Not gonna blame ya if that's what you think...
But i really do miss you. I see you every work day, been seeing you for the past 4+ years, seeing you every lunch time, and all those other times you get out of your seat... but i still miss you.

just thinking. so many deaths this year.

some people think, "life is short." i don't think it is... it's just really surprising. sometimes in a good way, sometimes the other way.

you think you've got everything covered when suddenly, bam! you're dead. someone's dead. your loved one's dead. you killed someone.

it's been there since life began, this death thing... and yet we're still surprised.

we only ever cry at funerals at the thought of having missed out on something with the dead person. it is a future-leaning thought. the present, well... we cannot change the present. person's dead, can't do shit about it. we're left to fend for ourselves, do for ourselves what they used to do for us, you'll be there for you instead of him/her being there for you.

it's the epitome of change.

and we're scared because of that.



it's hard trying to comfort someone who has a dying loved one. you don't know what to say to them. keep strong, etc.

how can you be strong in times like that? it's stupid. it's a stupid kind of encouragement.

it's not that i don't have empathy for these people. i just... i feel like i'd be doing them a huge mistake if i started encouraging them to believe in the so-called positive things... there are no positives to these events.

to be reachable is, i think, the best offer anyone can give anyone in a hopeless situation. and i'm sticking to that.



i didn't mean to make this sound like it's all about my decision-making processes.

but i do feel guilty not being... warmer, as is socially acceptable. i wish i did not have to think these things through.

or maybe it's good that i do. i do not belong to this group of people for no reason. i would probably piss the shit off of em if i stopped thinking.

i hope they know that i love them, in this way.

I should be content with knowing you even just a bit... i'm getting restless just because i'm not hearing or seeing anything from you.
You'll be back tomorrow, right? I know i'm not in any position to be updated by you, or be done anything for that matter. And i don't mind whatever else there is. I just... i dunno. I always feel left behind. It kinda feels that way right now. It would be nice to feel like someone thinks of me too, doesn't want me to worry for them. But again, i'm not in that place, and i'm not about to demand anything.
It's a bit frustrating, but i should learn to deal with this by dealing with myself, not by blaming or putting any obligation on anyone.

3 more days.
My... heart.
My far off kinship.
My family of unconscious connection.
I don't know why but I feel like we're 2 sides of the same coin.
Strange and, yet, comforting. And inexplicable.
I miss you, but I'm happy if you're happy. Just show signs of it, is enough.

2 days. I miss you already haha. Christ...

...

Love.

I hope this echoes to you... somehow.

As for me... I'm trying not to wait any longer.
Because if you had wanted to, you'd have done it yourself, maybe even long ago.

I'm trying to enforce that on my mind. My heart.

You'd have done it long ago.

And you haven't.

That should be the endpoint. You haven't.

I want to scream or go raging about or something. I don't know what I want. I don't know why I'm so invisible. Feel so invisible. Or maybe I'm not, but I just don't fit with anyone. I don't know. I'm probably just boring. Most likely. I'm an outcast.

you won't be there. you won't be celebrating with me. you won't even be encouraging me to celebrate.

you won't be there to greet me by midnight. you won't be there to meet me. you won't be there to wish good wishes.

you just won't be there. it's as simple as that. even if you were, it's never for me. it never is.

I miss you so much...
I don't want to miss you anymore but i still do.
You don't know and you don't care. It's just as simple as that.
I wish i could see or hear any confirmation from you, any signal that could tell me to stop now.
You're too perfect to be meant for me. I'm just scared to make anything of our friendship. I even tremble talking to you. My brain stumbles on itself.
And i don't want this feeling anymore because it's not getting me anywhere. It's just making me feel more alone.

1.04am.
I feel depressed. And stupid. And useless. And just... i cannot keep anything together. It's like, whatever's the effort for when no one finds it valuable? It's like this all the time.
I want to see you. I don't know if you feel it. I suppose you don't though. I mean, why ever would you? Hahaha. Hah. It's not like you look for me anyway.
The people i love do not value me as much.

I dont know what to write down.
A long drawn sigh would feel most appropriate and be most appropriate in sending a message. The message.

We're not close. We're... we're not even really talking for chrissakes. The thing about being able to talk to someone about anything, from fixing the faucet to the best napkin brands to the best haircuts to the best movies to salt and pepper beards to life being an absolute asshole or an absolute darling... that doesn't seem to want to happen to us.

Or i dunno. Maybe i just really turn you off. Haha. Yeah. Would take up a huge part of the equation.

I'm... i feel unacceptable, somehow. No matter how i strive to better myself. I still feel unacceptable. Still stupid, still stiff, still... phew.

If you see me crying, would you understand? Would you hear all of this? Or maybe you'll just be like, omg you're such a shallow girl why are you even dwelling in this haha, add some generic words of encouragement.

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to keep thinking and not deliver, not reciprocate, not be someone someone would understand and have the patience for, anymore...

if you do not see yourself as a person of value, in any which way, it becomes dangerously depressing to not feel needed by anyone else.

Blogger: Blogger Dashboard

i'm... troubled? unsure??

maybe there's nothing to think about. you just looked, nothing else.



but dear gods do i love you.

i'm sorry if i can't effectively show that.

i'm too awkward to be daring.

so i'll just stay here and be your shadow. unless you recognize this shadow.

but i'll just be here. i can do that, at least.

yung nararamdaman mong nanginginig yung kalamnan mo pero di mo malaman kung iiyak ka o nagha-hypoglycemia o magagalit ka pero alam mong merong problema.



gusto ko nang bumitaw.

everyone's looking for you. you don't need anyone else.

you don't need me.



and here i can feel my heart pounding against my ribcage in protest of that fact.

i really wish this is gone now but, either out of lingering feelings or out of habit, i still think of you and worry about you. still feel concerned about you.



you'll probably get the news that i'm not a believer. i don't know how that would sit with you.

but whatever. it doesn't change anything. doesn't change the fact that i like you. love, even. doesn't change the fact that you can't care less about me, either.

When it feels like... being taken for granted.
Or more like, knowing your existence, but tagging you as... maybe boring, or uninteresting, or unreachable because your worldy knowledge is so friggin bad that you can't... can't catch up with people's thoughts...

Maybe i feel alienated because i alienate myself. By being me. Ehm...

I dunno. Should i start watching popular tv series? Japanese and korean music? Try to be a deep intellectual?

My preferences are not as similar as others' are, but it's not to say that i'm positively unique... i mean, even now, i can't see much of a positive in it.

Makes life so much harder...

my heart just hurts.

I hope you're coping okay... i don't know how you're feeling about this, or how you're taking it all in, i just hope you're fine... that you're not forgetting that life goes on for you, your siblings and your mom... you all seem to be doing alright when we visited. You all seemed lighthearted. I hope it continues. I hope you do not feel depressed or surprised or pressured too much. I hope full acceptance has been achieved, or is, at least, not so far from reach.
Dad was right when he said it's easier when you see the progression, compared to a sudden passing. You're given a chance to be ready for it. But then, you also see the hardship before the passing. I don't know if that helps in the end, i'm just thinking it does because it helps you think that the passing provides comfort for all, especially the person who passed away. I don't know if it feels that way for you, but that's what you told me, so i'm gonna stick to that.
It's sad that i can't let you see this. That i can't let you know. But i hope you know that there are people who love you, besides your family. Not just me either. I know there's a lot of us, in different ways.

if love is such a good thing, why do a lot of bad feelings come with it?

i think it is a very selfish emotion. a direct show of desire for personal gain.

maybe that's why it is also, i think, the biggest sacrifice to make. because if you let it go, if you let him go, you are then telling yourself that you cannot have this person, you cannot have what you want.

and maybe that's also all it is: a want.

if... you want to share yourself to a person, help him or reach out to him, and it is blocked... who do you blame?
maybe the question is, why for are you sharing yourself?
and maybe everything simply ends with, if you do not want to be selfish, do not jail someone into what you call love.

love is selfish.

i don't want to share anymore.

i don't want to be there for you anymore, because i seem to just be hitting a brick wall, there is nothing for me with you.
i'm just tired of waiting, really.

it is finished.
life goes on.

hello again.
i miss you terribly.
i did not see you today. you didn't come to work. probably for your dad.
again.
i'm being selfish, i know.
i also know that what you're doing is the right thing. he needs you most right now.
i also know, most of all, that i am not in any place to demand anything from you.
i don't know if you're home.
actually, i don't know anything about you.
and neither am i in the right place to ask.

i know that we are not exactly... sharing common ground.
i'm pretty sure you have a second life somewhere.
i don't know what it is, or how it works, or how it works for you, but i'm pretty sure it exists.
but if i am to trust my brain, i wonder why you seem to be hiding this second life. hiding ever so skillfully.

but that's all i can do. wonder.
and i don't know when it will ever be enough for me.

i've already said before, before, and before, and so many more befores, that i didn't want this to keep going anymore.



and i've failed all of those befores.

habits are hard to break.



but time and time again i keep getting pushed away. not consciously, most of the time. but feeling like not being part of anything. not being part of anyone.



i know i'm stupid and useless and... just here for decorative effects. maybe not even. maybe just here to fill up some gaps like so. but i try. i try to be what's needed. i try to give what's missing. but i can see the missing and never bring what it is. i can see that something is something but i cannot pinpoint its specifics and bring it to people.



i'm just useless like that, i guess.



nobody needs something like that.



i'm even like that to myself. my memory. hah.



i'm just tired of being... last, or not even, through all my efforts. even after my efforts. all throughout my efforts. so much for effort.

no. you should apologize. to yourself. in case you're loving the wrong people.

it would do them good. should do them good, if they appreciate it and understand it. but it would never help you. some say you learn something from it. yup, maybe you do. but doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

it always hurts. and you apologize to yourself for that.

You'll be my bittersweet demise...
I feel kinda bad that i still want to trust you... but i still want to trust you.
I'm just not up for a revealing... yet. My feelings are not for everyone's eyes.
When they see, that day will be my judgment day.
I don't know why i'm still so attached to you, all while having these fears.

you know umm...

i don't know how to turn my feelings right now into words.

there's just this really heavy feeling in my chest that... i kind of want to cry, out of frustration for so many things.

it's like... being taken for granted.

putting importance on people is... tiring. it drains me. it's very natural to me but it absolutely drains me. it's hoping for a response, for a... i dunno, anything that can be taken as...

i guess i just really want to make a difference in people's lives. even in small ways. just something that i can see as having influenced them in a good way.

right now i feel useless. (as i do most of the time lol.)

i'm not needed. by anyone.

i'm just a waste of space. i'm like... this huge ague in people's lives that they want to get rid of but somehow forget about, until they see me again.

i just want to disappear. maybe see who will miss me. haha.

i can be really narcissistic sometimes lol.

but really... i feel like surplus junk. i think that if i disappear, some might wonder about my disappearance, but it ultimately wouldn't even scratch the coating on the hood of their lives. like a splatter of bird poop on their windshields. you know it's there, you aren't exactly in a hurry to get rid of it no matter how annoying it is, but when you do get rid of it, thank the gods because there's no more annoyance. that feeling.

eh wala nga raw akong silbi, diba? ano pa nga bang sinasakit ng puso ko, eh andyan na nga, nakalatag na...

had my happiest dream this morning.

frolicking like children.

feeling safe and precious in each other's presence.

laughing. no jokes actually. i don't remember jokes. just laughing, being like children. some tickling, some talking, some time just sitting in the car backseat with his arm draped on my shoulders.

it was sweet and innocent.



maybe that's the best experience i can ever get from this... this hold-up...

I should be happy that i can even talk to you about these things. Enough is enough.

why do i have to be attracted to the wrong guy?



or, is there a wrong guy?



anyway. i just feel... like a total loser. like... i'm not... i'm not worth knowing or... i dunno. encouraging? helping get out of her shell? or even just... talking with??



i do talk with friends, and have some deep conversations with different people. umm... i dunno. what am i missing? how can i be more... interesting, perhaps? less awkward? less... maybe even narcissistic? (because yeah i think i may have a small streak of it. i'm not sure. it's confusing to keep second guessing myself and my intentions. and try to analyze the reasons behind what and who i like, or need.)



i'm just wondering why some people seem to have a good hold of their lives, and others are willing to share with it and share themselves with these people. what do they have that i don't have? or what do i have that they don't have? what makes me so abnormal? why do i feel unneeded?



why is it that... i see him to be an important person, in himself and to me, and he's in troubled times right now, and i think... i think the burden is wearing him out exponentially, physically mentally and emotionally, and i want him to know that i'm just here to listen, or just be here, for him, i do not want for anything else besides being his confidante maybe, i'm not even expecting any more than that because that feels too unrealistic... but i feel like he doesn't need me..?



it's same as during high school when i just wanted to help a fellow diabetic but i feel like i'm being rejected outright..?



what the fuck is wrong with me???

Wish you were here... yeah. I dont know if youll actually *be* here then, but still wish you were here.

ang sakit lang kasi sa puso. literal na masakit lang. parang napaka-abnormal kong tao para matanggap...

it's just devastating...

well, i did ask for it, didn't i?



look him in the eyes, dear. just do it. don't be scared. you're nothing but a speck of dust to the millions of things happening around you. that's both a gift and a curse, but use it your advantage. because you will not get anything if you don't ask for anything.

Who are you?
My biased thoughts are making me grasp at imaginary possibilities.
I keep wishing it's you, but I have no way of proving myself right or wrong...
Eh, patience. Patience is key.

it's not you. it means nothing if it's not you.

It's like being continuously broken, built up, broken again, built up again...

I keep waiting for you.
I feel like a fucking dog waiting for her master to come back home.

I should just take this as it is and stop thinking about its possible implications. Because that's all it is: just a mere "possible", not something that will actually happen.

I wish you were deeper than this. More empathetic than this. I honestly thought you would be. So far though, I haven't seen anything to prove me right. I don't know if I'm disappointed or mad that my standards are giving me inaccurate thoughts.

Please just... just prove this post wrong. Just let me know that you're not numb. That you are, even slightly, privy to other people's feelings. Just prove to me that you aren't simply self-serving, like most people are.

the more i think of this...

the more i'm sure that i can never reach your standards...



why does everyone have someone who has enough patience for them?



i don't know if i'll ever find mine. i really hope it's you, but... i dunno. it could be no one. i could reach death without feeling... appreciated, or worthy, maybe.



oh well. no, it's never an oh well. but, i gotta continue, because other people need hands to finish what they need finishing...

I wanna ask you how youre doing, and how your dads treatment went, or if he got confined in the hosp, and how youre coping with everything, and if you ever need help or just someone to tell your feelings or frustrations to, that im just here to listen, comment a little and comfort you. But i dont think its my place to do all of that. So ill just frustratedly wait for news from you.
I suck with words. Im sorry. Thats for you and for myself. So hard to express things without sounding like a total creep.

I miss him... i miss hearing his quirkiness... hes just in front of me at the lunch table but hes farther than he ever was... i wish i could be a livelier person so i can volley talk with him, because he seems to be that kinda guy... but im not. I feel like a shadow in his eyes...

I can feel my right leg numbing up. My toes are a bit... err... unresponsive now. I think i have some nerve problem down that leg.
Also, my right neck part hurts a bit. Also hurts where it goes towards the shoulders.
My eyes get blurry from "overuse", blur goes away after resting.
My left ear hurts. I've been "clawing" at the lobe again. But it's starting to subside i think.
I haven't gotten my right lower wisdom out yet.

I umm... i feel alone. Like... i dunno if someone else should be hearing this but i dont feel like i can tell it to anyone... they might think it's too much of a big deal...

Will i ever be anything else to you...

with all the things i'm connecting to him, all the same names i am seeing everywhere, all the wonderings i do about him... i wonder if he thinks the same of me?



but that's the point of... love or sacrifice... it can turn either which way... right?



you give your all, not necessarily physically, not even verbally, not even directly or noticeably... but s/he peppers your world in different ways... and all that peppering, in the end, possibly turning to nothing... that's just how it is.



i miss him very much, and i wonder if he thinks the same, but that's all i can ever do. wonder.

I have this constant feeling of being not up to par with anyone's standards. Like i'm never enough for anyone. And, of course the feeling gets magnified with unrequited love, but i'm not really doing anything to progress with it, so it logically shouldn't even count in the magnification. But it does.
Erm.
I'd want someone to notice my worth and be like, "you're a precious penny of the world and you match my pocket exactly." Lol. Which is also why i want for a guy who could be a real, close friend. Which is... honestly hard to find lol.
It's only happened once, and he - rightly so, for reasons - went away, and i decided to just stop wishing for it to recur or maybe take a turn and continue.
And he's now happy with his current love. I think they match really well too. And they both seem mature about their relationship. I don't really try to seek deeper details, whether they're as happy as they look, which they seem to be, because i'm just done with him and it's not really my place to do so.
I just remembered him because he's one of the better memories i had during HS. It was a mutual understanding, literally. A calm contentment.
Mmm.
I'm currently, as can be seen in my blog posts starting 2 years ago, rather infatuated with a guy. He's... pretty much perfect but for some quite obvious things. One of which is that he doesn't seem interested? Lol. Also that, i can't identify his personality and preferences very much, which would be part of his introversion i guess. I'm... wanting to know him more, but only quietly, because i'm absolutely verbally stupid. Which is probably one of the things he would most likely find attractive. I mean, the being verbally smart sort, which i'm not.
I could... list other things here that he probably does not appreciate. Emm... i've really nothing to offer to him. I'm just like... weed, in a flower garden.
It makes things... achey? Heavy? ... dull? Like being isolated in a glass bubble... depressive, is the word, i guess, when you subtly find disapprovals of different sorts all around you. And the things and people you give worth to... when they do not reciprocate the level of worth you give them, it deals much worse damage, because it's as a statement saying "whatever you do, you're never gonna be good enough."

I want to be better than these standards, in a way that makes me unquantifiable by those standards. But it doesn't mean that i want everyone to fall on their knees for me. I just want someone, who knows what he's looking at, to understand and try to unravel me, in a way that is not oppressive or obsessive, in a manner where we both get to know each other, and either possibly grow with it, or remain the best of partners.

And umm... i'm probably asking for too much. Too much compared to my worth. Yep.

I want to send you a message, something along the lines of: i saw your post, i dunno if it has anything to do with what's happening to your dad right now, but if it does, i'm just here, in case there's no one else left to listen to you. I'll just be here. Even just for verbal/written stress relief.

But something in my head is ringing a lot of alarm bells, telling me not to do it, not to send the message, because you're not someone he would be comfortable talking with, and it would only end up looking so desperate.

So i'm not sending the message. I'm just putting it here. If you ever read this, you know what to do. If you don't, well, the post stays, as a reminder of what kind of person i am at this moment.

You look disheveled.
It's one of the few times i'd say you actually look tired and old.
Dunno if it's just because it's monday though lol.
But i missed you very much, and i'm happy that you yourself are surviving. But i heard you talking earlier, i think it was about your dad's... medicine? And i understand the worry that goes with it.
I hope you're okay, and you don't forget to take care of yourself too.
It's sad that i can't express this to you vis-a-vis, but this is all i can do right now.

I suppose it's wrong to say i miss you...

Stop. Thinking.
Stop. Being. Concerned.
Stop. Assuming.
Stop. Seeing. Things. Out of. Perspective.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
You have to get back on track. Have to.
So stop.
Stop and turn back.
Turn back whi- while it's still early.
It's gonna get much more painful the longer it takes for you to turn back.

i miss you so much. I hope youre not falling apart, like i probably would if i were in your situation. I hope youre still strong. I hope you could know that im just here for you, and even though i do not ask, even though i do not directly go to you to comfort you maybe, i hope you would know that you can always talk to me if youre tired and just want to let the stress out. If youre frustrated. If youre worried. Im just here for you. I hope you can see that. I hope you dont spread yourself too thin for others. I hope youre okay yourself.

Maybe you find me ridiculous...
If you ask about someone but treat them as acquaintance (maybe), sometimes even coldly, then... you must be trying to uncover something different. Something you can use as one of your comedy routines during get togethers.
This is my paranoia speaking, but i'm pretty sure there's something else besides simple curiosity. Not necessarily embarrassing, but definitely something else.

Im currently in seda hotel nuvali.
And i wish i could share the sights, the smells, the rain, the cold, the food, and my reactions with you.
I wish i could tell you how delicious the omelette was, and how boring the bread was, possibly needing a little spice or tanginess to it, how cold it is, how far i could walk and explore, how blind i felt when i removed my glasses to clean off the moist, how i wish i could walk my own path through the whole solenad sections (or maybe if you were with me, we could walk together, and be curious together).
I just keep wishing...

I did it, self. I did it again. I'm sorry. I'm so wrong in the head.