from berlin-artparasites: 



"I
love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text
messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication
be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are
absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love
saying, Kiss me harder, and You’re a good person, and, You brighten my
day. I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.


Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible
to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like,
in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them,
touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the
couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.


We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in
control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never
know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming.”

—Rachel C. Lewis, Tell The People You Love That You Love Them



how do i tell you? i cannot even talk with you casually. we're both such walls.

i wish i could though.

...

So many things in mind. All the same things. Over and over and over again.
---
I miss you. I wish i could just get a decent "no" from you so that i could stop dreaming of being with you.
---
Whenever i see my friends posting stuff about their parents... maybe birthdays or simple dine outs or just a random picture... i keep wondering if im just incredibly selfish for not feeling the same way for my parents.
I wish someone could tell me just what is happening to me.
I dont trust myself enough to believe that my judgments are justifiable...
---
Im tired.
I went to trek trinoma alone today. People watching and exploring are nice. I got some looks too so i suppose im improving a bit. Still awkward though.
But i keep looking for you. I keep hoping to see you.
I think that thinking of you is tiring me out. Its like theres a tornado in me wanting to come out and after you. But im gonna keep it bottled up until either it slowly melts away or you give me a go signal.
---
Im also thinking about when le cousin came by to deliver some goodies from HK. I honestly thought all of the bags were ours, based on his body language. I dont know if he noticed my movement. It was embarassing. I mighta looked greedy there. I dunno. At least my conscience is clear.
---
To end... i still miss you. I still wish for you.

...

It's sad that i find it awkward to tell you, but i really love you. At least as much as i know you. I wish i could communicate better, and with you.

...

Ugh. Jfc. Why do you have to talk to me whenever i want to get you out of my mind? Why'd you have to be so damn adorable? It feels like a big mistake to like you this much.
I don't understand the looks either. Maybe you just want to talk, communicate with me, because i'm usually quiet around you... and i'm sorry about that. I'm just not good at talking with crushes. The feeling would probably just go away when i start to become comfortable talking with you. I dunno. I kind of want, and kind of not want, that to happen.

I love you. I'm sorry. So sorry.

I cry

It's so hard to get over you... i don't know if it's just because of age and experience or if it's because it's you that i'm finding it hard to let go of my feelings for you. I also don't know why my brain is somehow whispering to me that you'll be the last, i'm sure of you. It's arguing with itself, myself, about how sure i am with you.
If you could please give me something bad to latch onto, so i could have something of you that is bad, that could tell me, and remind me on the years after, that you're not my one.

i wonder what it would take for me to confess to you.

i'm not seeing any kind of mutuality in this. so i don't really see any motivation to confess...

i know that i should have been over you, like, months ago. many months. it's been a year and +-5months now.

i wish it was easy to tell you how much i like you. how much i worry about you when you don't seem well. or when you're absent. i wish it was a normal thing to do. an everyday thing.

i want to be there for you, but i don't know how, and i don't know what my place is with you.

i still treasure the little times that you actually see me being there. being opaque and alive. i still appreciate that time when you asked me if anyone will be taking me to that birthday dinner. i don't know if the ice cream was for me or if it was just pure coincidence. when you offered ointment while i felt woozy at work. i also don't know how it happened that you got a flat tire near my house, when i don't think you would normally pass that route. were you really on the way to get me? maybe? pretty big chance that's a yes, but i still don't want to believe it.

i'm very, very unsure about a lot of things.

i want it to come from you clearly and directly. i want a clear declaration.
i do appreciate everything, IF everything actually was done to tell me something. IF. but yeah, IF. i will never be sure of this. i will always be scared with things like this. i want you, and i like you a lot, but i don't want another shot at rejection. i'm not good at dealing with these things.

if only things like this were so easy to share...

Vacations

I wonder what you're doing right now. Or, well, not right now as in right this moment, because you'd obviously be sleeping lol. But i wonder how your day was. How you spent it.

It's 4 days of not seeing you. (Though im kinda happy about that. I hate my pimples you know. Wouldnt really wanna show up with em. Lol.)

...

Ive been feeling sorta sick these past few days... and all of these pimples showing up on my forehead and nose, and these ones on my chin that left a buncha marks... i miss my pretty-clear skin back then. It wasnt as bad as this, with all these black-red marks.

So much for trying to be pretty. Having these skin products with me makes me feel like a prima donna. And its just facial cleanser, astringent, moisturizer and concealer. I mean really. Other girls seem to have a buncha vanity products, enough to fill a whole shelf floor, and they seem to love everything. I wonder if they do use everything everyday lol.

But besides all that... my cough is not going away, and neither is the blood/phlegm smell... it always comes back.

I think my deterioration might be quickening a bit. I dont know if its because im not taking care of myself enough or if this is really the road im destined to take...

...

Been a while.

I dont actually know what to write haha.

Im trying to live life for myself.

Ive been... busy with work. Preoccupied with the act of artful creation (wipes nose). No, really. Work has been both fulfilling and taxing. But im thriving. I like this feeling. It revives me.

But umm...
I still dont know what to make of you. Haha. Still wanting to figure that out, and not fall into assumptions.

You smell different. I dont know if anyone else can smell you. Im guessing they do though. Just dont notice it as much..? Or got used to it enough.

Ive also been seeing my flame from HS in my dreams. 2 consecutive dreams now. 1st one showed him surprised by my current look. 2nd one he told me it was us. I think im just being affected by his and his girlfriends pictures together. Shes a lucky girl, i think. Theres still a little twang in my heart, a little pain, when i see pictures of him. Though right now, i cant imagine why id liked a guy like him, haha.

So...

I just want to reach out to phd... in some way. I dont know how. I also cant really keep up with his chattiness and joyous demeanor, unless we mentally connect in some way.

I really shouldnt hope too much.