Mixed feels.

i'm... happy that you're just there. I can see you pretty much everyday. That familiar smell. That laugh. The rather feminine voice and tone. I'm happy to know you.

But i'm also frustrated for different reasons. That it doesn't look like it's mutual, and yet i still get those weird, random looks from you. That i don't know how to approach you on a friendlier, more personal level. That i can't see any kind of... platform to build rapport with you. Mmm... that i'm not sure how to go about this. I'm frustrated that, if it's hard to confess to someone my age and my league, it's so much harder to confess to you, because we're absolutely, entirely, on different levels, in different spaces. I'm frustrated that i'm hoping too much for something that doesn't look peacefully, harmoniously possible. And much more so because as much as i'm thinking about this, as much as i keep thinking about you, and as much as i keep thinking about my feelings for you, it is also as much quietness and hard walls that i'm facing from you.

I don't know if i want to let this go.
I don't know if i want to let you go, accept that you're just who you are and you're not gonna change for me.
All those INFP things tell me that i view the world through rose-tinted glasses. It appears to be true, and it's sending me further down the path of misery and disappointments.
I'm just... just really... meh, now. Just... a mix of furious, frustrated, hopeless, hopeless wishing, a still fighting heart, attachment and detachment. And it isn't making things any better or any clearer.

:,(

Sorry...

I don't even know what to think anymore...
I should just quit thinking about you and force myself to see this thing... this not-thing... as someone who doesn't have any feelings about this...
sorry for being so awkward...
I umm...
I got kinda worried, but also kinda jealous, and was very much clueless, about why you didn't go to work this tues and wed. Lol.
Erm...
I dunno... i... i was holding to that "see you tomorrow", which shoulda been monday, but i didn't get to go to work because i got really sick... and then you didn't go to work the next day... it just felt like... i dunno how to put it in words properly... like i have a responsibility which i didn't get to fulfill, and it has turned back towards me.

Sorry. Just getting carried away. I shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be like this.

...

"See you tomorrow"

I miss(ed) you. :(
But they didn't look worried that you were absent today, so im just gonna guess that you had a schedule of sorts. I hope thats all it is.

smiles~

It's the little laughs that i most remember, that i most remember fondly...

gods above. i don't know why i never learn to stop looking for you.



if you weren't such a... gentleman, i wouldn't be falling so hard.



i don't even know anymore hahaha. i'm so pathetic. this is so hopeless. i'm so ugly, so useless, so not-driven, i don't even know why i'm hoping for this to happen. it would only serve you embarrassment if this happens.

Hmm.

Why do i often catch you looking at me?
It's giving me ideas but i don't want to rely on them too much unless you confirm things yourself...

Are you even human

Everything reminds me of you.
I even just dreamed of you. You were still the same sweet, helpful, thoughtful and down-to-earth guy, even in my dreams.
I miss you very much when i don't see you (which is just like every sunday lol, and most saturdays), and it's weird that i do, but i can't much approach you when you're there. Sigh. Awkward me. Lol.

Hi. I hope you see this.

I need you.
I'm a little scared about my health right now, plus my parents' health. Umm... I don't need to be baby-ed or pampered. I just... wish you were here, and we were close enough so that you could understand my fears and doubts, and just listen. That's all, really. Just listen a bit. Just so that i know that someone still can hear me and accept that this is what goes through my brain every day.
I would... love for that person to be you. I imagine you to be that kind of person. Kind and comforting. Not a spoiler, but brings unfailing support on tough times.
But i'm just imagining it. I'm just imagining your personality. Just imagining how it would be if we were together. I've only created an image of you in my head. There's really nothing to... know, or prove.
I'm not even sure if i'm expecting things the right way haha. You'll be needing tonsss of patience with me.

What's the peanut butter, matter?

Just wondering how things would go once you learn about my blog entries lol. And how it would be when vis a vis.
Is this just infatuation because shit it's been... 1year and going 7mos.
I also just realized earlier today that i'm almost "lagpas na sa kalendaryo". For those of you who don't live in the PH, it's a filipino expression, literally translated as "gone past the calendar", meaning that you've gone past the 30th day of a month, comparing the day to your age.
I'm 3years til the end of my calendar and i've never had a boyfriend hahaha.
It doesn't actually matter to me that i've never had one. I'm just thinking if maybe i'm not... normal enough, or lovable enough, or something enough, to be admired. I'm not gonna lie about it, it makes me feel sad and insecure about myself. I should be able to admire myself and not have to look for admiration from others, but i don't trust myself to do that because my mind can sometimes walk different paths without me noticing. As it is, i sometimes feel like i'm one huge braggart.

Oh yeah. How the heck do you differentiate between a secure person and braggart anyway? Braggarts go both ways too.
Too many factors. Hah.

But yeah. You always hear people say stuff like be strong on your own, know your worth, stand tall and be who you are, don't need nobody's opinion, etc. But you also get bombarded with be humble, actions speak louder than words, your actions will speak for you, the lord delights in... humble people or summat like that.

I think i'll just stick to what sounds about right for me, and stay away from the things that other people do and which i find annoying or unpleasant.

But do i also need to market myself like... an alpha female to everyone, best partner, marriage material etc etc (im not marriage material btw, so far)?

I sometimes find it incredible how the most mischievous ones get all the attention.

I think i'll just wait.
Maybe for him, maybe not. Let's see what happens.

Hello, you are miss(ing)ed.

I still remember that first contact of our hands/fingers. It was electric. Surprisingly electric. I dunno if you felt it too. It was literally charged and i was kind of surprised by it. I couldn't help but feel awkward about it at that moment, that I had to hide the developing blush on my face. Haha.
Those weird moments. Weird, memorable, markedly different moments.
I miss you. Very much. You don't seem interested in my shared post. Could be you didn't see it, or it simply wasn't interesting to you, or you're just not looking for anyone or anything anymore. I can't do much about that. But i still miss you. I still want to see who you are, how you are, and what gives.

Anxiety

I miss you with the anxiety of unsure acceptance and approval.
I don't need you to share the same feelings, though it would be a huge bonus if you did. I just wish it wouldn't affect our friendship or work relationship.
I'll just go hide under that rock now. You can knock if you need me.
(I think the opportunity is lost now though. I dunno if tomorrow can present new chances.)

a wondering.

View image | gettyimages.com

he is beautiful.

i would say perfect, but no one is perfect, and so is he, and that makes him a perfect human being.

he walks, and moves, like a cat.

there is a quietness about him, surrounded by the intensity and busyness of thoughts overlapping.

his voice, and his laugh, sound like the sound of bubbles from the falling of river water, fragile and feminine, with masculine echo.

he is slim, very slightly wiry with veins.

he is tall, and he is light footed, and he is aged with purpose.

he smells of... baby powder, a very thick blanket of baby powder.

his soul is youthful, his mind quick.

he looks... trapped. i do not know what from, who from, whence.

there is an indecipherable deepness to him, that i would love to dive in, if he would let me.

there is a hunger in his eyes, in his being. searchlights, dimming and brightening.

there is a veil over him. i have only seen it, heard it, lifted a few times.



i... i do not know what makes this man.

i have no history, no background, no facts, to base on.

i only have whispers, gossips. i think i trust my eyes more.

all these things, and all these notions, mixing and building an image that is either too vague, or too clear.

i do not know whether to accept these things, or to justify his being and create another image of him, a more accurate one, as based on what i see.



but i cannot see with clarity.

i cannot see with clarity when my eyes are covered with affection.

i cannot see with clarity when i am veiling my own eyes.

and mostly, i cannot see with clarity, if the man himself, hides.

...

I feel so certain of you i don't even know why. All rational signs point the other way but i can't seem to stop thinking of you, being concerned about you, collecting information about you, trying to learn who you are and how you are.

I wish it was so easy to just stop... stop and let things be...

I feel like im in no position to try things out... dictate things... do the first move... so i'll just wish that i either stop loving you or you show me a sign of mutuality. I wish it is mutual, but that feels like a long shot.