How can you be cousins? How ARE you cousins? O_O
I'd be fcking floored

Merry Christmas, love.
You won't remember me like you don't remember the faces of people you pass by.
But you've left a mark with me that will always make itself remembered on moments like these.
I guess part of my melancholy is not being given the same importance as i do others. As i do you. But who's to blame? There's only me who should stand up for the non-reputation i have built of myself.

The whole shit was deleted
I just wrote that i missed your for a bit so i checked your ig, nothing new, but it made my chest ache
That theres been no one to equal you
That i feel like dying soon, as usual, and that i wanna go now because i dont think anyone cares anyway

No life.
I don't even know how to describe what i feel.
Sad seems like such a shallow word. Definitely not happy. (Although right now rather contented because still swaddled in my thick blanket.) Later it will be another direction-less day. I think sleeping the day off would be more productive.
I miss my old job. I miss feeling the buzz of deadlines and missions and the triumph of completion, seeing your work being ready to meet the world.
I also miss him but... at this point i shouldn't. There's no point to it anyway.
There's really no better word for this than "jail".

It's funny that such a small gesture could mean so much to me and most likely so little to you.
I still miss you sometimes but i know i shouldn't. I know i shouldn't think too much of this. it's like hearing your voice and looking back to see that you're not there, as has always been. I was just hoping. As i always do. And i wish that some day, for once, you'll be there. Or someone will be there. Something.
I miss you and i don't know how to tell you and i shouldn't because of a lot of reasons and one of those reasons being it never was the same for you anyway, what's the point, i'm just breaking my own heart.

Looking at things, not seeing the end...
How much longer do i have to keep trudging on...

Didn't know i'm this reliant on my phone until now.
Still miss my phone... i haven't really felt any attraction to any other new phone just yet... still feels like such a pathetic mistake to lose mine...

God help me i have absolutely no life left

Sleep. Keep sleeping
I still miss you. I wonder where you are.

I miss you.

I cannot control my diabetes even when i think i can... im so tired of this...

I didn't notice that it was already 1am. Now it's 2.39am and my brain's... i'm sleepy but like my mind is trying to stay awake. Like something in there is saying it's not yet time to sleep. But i'm looking at the time and i know i need to sleep or i'll be groggy again tomorrow.
I think my experiments with fasting and food are talking a bit of a toll - is it a toll or is it a good thing?? - on my body. Weird.
And... i have no one to tell this to. Because i feel like i'm becoming more and more selfish. Most of the words that come out of my mouth sound like uninformed opinions based only on what *i* feel. I don't want to interact anymore but i also wish someone would just understand.

I dreamed about you twice. You were always appearing beside someone that has caught my attention somehow. Either friends with them or just switching faces with them. I think my subconscious is trying to compare you to them. But my attention always shifts to you, if you're still there. Or places you there.
But you never really notice me at all. No interaction whatsoever. You're just there, talking with someone. Or you shift away everytime you look at me, and it changes to someone else.
I wonder if i mean anything to you, the same way you mean something to me. I miss you but i'm not sure if i miss the nothingness. Sometimes i wish the missing wasn't there, didn't exist. It must feel better to just be empty, if everytime i miss you, i remember being nothing to you.

yung tuwing nakikita mo sya, para kang sinasampal sa mukha.

im happy that you have a good life.

im sad that i will never be able to give you that life.

im happy that we are not together or else you would have been so frustrated.

im sad that we are not together.

im sad that even if we are not together, i still would not be able to live the life that you are living.

i don't know if i'll ever be able to, but if that love does not come to fruition - and no, it doesn't even have to be *our* love, just my love of that life - then it would be better to just be dead...

just suddenly missing you and your quiet presence.

imagining easy conversations. or non-conversations. maybe more of the latter.

wondering how you're faring. but not brave enough to ask.

Feeling very alone. I don't know if i could keep living this. I feel like people misunderstand my outside composure as... reliance, youngness, innocence, unpleasant fragility. I feel like maybe they're afraid that i will burden them further. I feel like they don't think i experience normal human emotions.
I don't know where to start forging my own path. I don't even know where i want to go yet. But being so far down the shared road... i feel like anything else would be a waste of time.

Everything feels dead.
Like, if i were made to choose between life and death, i would have no problem choosing death. It doesn't feel different anyway.
I'm old enough to be a mom - though i don't want to be one - and yet here i'm still looking for a purpose. A friend is mourning the loss of her child already and here all i ever do is... game? Attend to what someone else needs?
I feel so fenced off from the world.

Im in a place where being alive is meaningless. But i strive to look for meaning, even if it's others', just so i wouldn't have to feel so useless.
It feels good to help people achieve their dreams. I don't know if it will ever get to that, but what if at one point there will be no one else to help?
I wonder if i'll have the strength and the fatigue to go away after my parents are gone...

2.06am

Here recalling lots of past events, and/or feelings again. It's a constant roller coaster in here but i notice it more at times when i'm p doing anything.

I feel like i'm gonna be a very different person when i get a measure of freedom again.

Sometimes i think, what if im actually an extrovert? What if... well, what is it that im looking for anyway? What if there came time again to just be myself?

"Look at her, she's a self-made woman." I don't want endless riches. I just want a life of purpose. Something that might inspire someone else to be more conscientious, kinder, more peace-loving and be intellectually hungry. Life is... pointless beyond... everything, really. We're all just gonna die anyway.

this is you feeling jealous. you missing out on everything and feeling the currents flow right under your nose. this is you wanting to be the best, trying to be ambitious, conquering all platforms, but all of it are just wants. this is you being angry for not being able to become someone else. like someone else. this is you being desperate, clutching at very small victories of attention and magnifying them by multiples. this is your sadness and fear speaking. it will be gone soon. within the month.

Thoughts:

1. The feeling of being split between wanting to be always there for your parents, wanting some long-missed alone time, and wanting to see some friends. Oh, and wanting to be more independent. And feeling guilty because when you do one, you cannot do the rest.

2. I hate that you keep claiming ownership over him. I hate how much of a snake... no, you're not that bad, but you're definitely very manipulative, and i fucking hate that, and i fucking hate seeing you being like that over someone. And your intention is so fucking obvious to me. I fucking hate that i can't do anything about it. At the same time, i fucking hate this feeling of alienation. That no matter how i try to be friendly and in level with everyone, the idea of a wall will continually be imposed on my person. And it does not fucking help that im awkward as fuck.

Yeah. Thats... thats about it for now.
Ive always only wanted to be an onlooker, because the world has too much drama to be involved in. It just drags you down. But at the same time, if youre just an onlooker, an observer, it also means that you can't give joy and you can't participate in joy. And it's... harsh? To be able to feel but not be able to act. I wish it was just 1 or the other, no gray areas.

been a while. feels really empty.

i wonder about people. and i wonder if they wonder about me. and what about.

if life stops for someone, or for the self, or if it continues to pull you but in a direction that you are unwilling to go.

being worthless is the worst feeling in the world.

Di ko alam kung sinong kayang umintindi sakin. O baka talagang gago ako kaya di ako maintindihan. Baka kahit anong effort mo maging mabuting anak, pag pinanganak kang gago, wala ka nang mababago dun. Baka nga talagang gago lang ako. Sorry. Kanina iniisip ko buti nalang di nabuhay yung 2 kong kapatid para di nila to nararanasan. Then again parang buti nga at di sila nabuhay kasi malamang di nila to deserve, kasi kunsakali ako lang naman yung magiging gago samin. Para di na nila makita yung kagaguhan ko. Parang wala naman akong tamang nagagawa? O kulang palagi? O dahil siguro gago ako kaya di ako marunong rumespeto? Pakiramdam ko naman yun lang yung paraan ko mag cope pero parang mali parin? I dont mean to defend my actions pero i mean parang nawawalan na ako ng pag asa mag effort kasi parang mali lahat ng reactions ko? Like im supposed to be respectful and not think of it as stupid or offensive or.. ewan, makulit? Siguro nga ako yung may maling judgment? Which happens a lot. At mahirap yung di ko napapansin na mali ang judgment ko until sumabog na. Parang mas ok nalang na wala akong kakilala para wala akong maoffend? Or... i dunno. Pwede pa ba to icorrect? May shortcut ba para marealize ko lahat ng katangahan ko bago mangyari? O talagang pinanganak akong bastos? Pakiramdam ko parang wala akong karapatan mapikon o magalit kasi wala pa naman akong alam sa buhay? Minsan lang di ko talaga maintindihan na may mga bagay na kailangan pag usapan e kung ako naman yung nasa pwesto kaya ko naman isolve mag isa? O baka nasanay ako mashadong maging loner kaya ineexpect ko rin na ganun ang ibang tao. Then again ano naman ang status ng social life ko. Nabubulok na. Di ko rin talaga alam e. Di rin talaga ko marunong e. Sadyang tanga lang ata talaga.

Everyone seems to be getting somewhere while here i am stuck in the office room growing a bigger butt and bigger thighs.
I'd have to be the picture for a representation of "waste of oxygen and space"
I'm not sure what i'm feeling. Frustrated or furious or just about giving up.

Help?
What for?
I'm just lonely. Nothing more.

A sudden strong wave of missing you.
If i had been... brave... or daring... or just stupid enough to try... i wonder how it will be now...

Hurt.
Hormones stop playing with ne hahahaha
It's during these times that my sense of hurt gets heightened
It's not that there's no cause. It's that everything from the past comes back with the same sting it hit with the first time...
I just wish someone could see beyond the layers.

It's been a year.
I miss you even though it's done for and there's no turning back and i've forgotten about you for quite a while already.
But i miss you today.

Life has been meaningless in this new job.
And i have... nothing else to anchor to.
I am losing interest even in keeping myself healthy.
Going back to my old, pre work life is tempting but also threatening. And also boring tbh haha.

I miss cuddling kittens and cats. I miss cuddling the kitty in the office. He was my constant source of joy. But now it's the total opposite. He now reminds me of the unfairness of life. Such a small thing to enjoy but still not available to me.

I'm tired. Good night.

Man my motivation is just... i can't find it. Just feel tired everyday...

A sad emote is not what im feeling right now. That shit is too childish to indicate anything. I know im feeling sadness but theres also anger, frustration, desperation and hopelessness. Theres doubt and anxiety. Theres the feeling of being foolish. Theres the want to be understood. Theres the yearning for a connection that at the moment eludes me, and it's possibly because i taunt my instincts too much even though im almost always wrong.
A sigh best encapsulates the feeling, but still it feels like a goodbye that im not sure i want to give...

My dilemma, real or not, is that i feel like i still need to find my own footing in this world. I feel like there are people i love, and people i can love, but that i do not have or know or have yet realized ways to affirm my feelings for them. And i do not have the guts to go free. And i do not feel like i want to be tied down into something as soon as i get to go on my own. And it's making me sad that i don't know how to tell you that yes, i missed you, but not anymore in a crush-crush way, and more like missing a person you are not threatened of, missing the safety of that person that doesn't have to mean anything else other than safety and familiarity and the freedom to do anything without being blindly judged.
I miss your mind and your ecstatic being, your preferred innocence and quiet wisdom. Your humility. I miss all of that. I have not yet found someone comparable. But i also don't want to cling to that hope too much. And i'm so disappointed that i'm too cowardly to act for myself.

It's so strange to sort of want to be with people who actually interact with each other, but then remain silent and only observe. Or maybe yes i do want to be included, but maybe im looking for the feeling of being at home, belonging and not needing to speak to belong.

I feel empty?

The back pain coincides with the microalbumin problem.
New development?
If i won't be able to do some service then might as well just die
I dont know who to talk to who would understand what im feeling right now...