I don't know what to write.
I've told her about my feelings for you. And how I don't want to go with it because it's mighty awkward.
She likes you, yep. Like, *she's willing to have babies with you* like you.
I don't know what to feel about that. Hahaha.
Natatawa nalang ako tuwing naaalala ko yung sinabi nyang ganun. Grabe lang ang kamandag mo ah. Laglag sya sayo hahaha.
I'll go to sleep. This is just breaking my heart.

I keep quiet
When heartstrings tugged
Heavy chest feeling
Crying breath
Heavy eyes crying chest
Tingling hands
Skin
Hopes losing
Doubts
Grab someone
Needing support
Standing alone
Not
Accept me
Help me
Backwards
Left out
Hugs
Crying
Alone

Would be nice to rest under a dreamy, starry night sky with you.

would be real nice if i could share a drink with you...

you looked so... tired, when you arrived at the office today.

like, i don't know. kinda depressed...? or maybe just tired of having to answer questions? just clearly tired.



i'm quite worried. it's been bugging me since i saw you today. something with your eyes?



i don't know how to voice this out. i don't want to trespass on anything.

but if you ever read this, just know you can always talk to me. i'm here for you.

Sometimes it's just better to not know this shit. Because once you do, you are suddenly aware of small changes, which could really be changes, just as easily as they could be errors, or system updates, etc etc.

I do wish you actually visited my page tho. I mean, it would indicate the least bit of interest. Heh.

I really, really, really miss you, even though we see each other almost every day. It's rare to find people who know how to laugh at themselves.

I still don't know you enough, but from what i'm seeing now, you just are. You are perfect. Well, almost. LOL. Whatever, i love you as you are.

i'm (probably) just reading into this too much. waaaaay way much.



my imagination really will be the death of me.



it's hard not to assume anything when a person has made a mark on you. if someone else does the same thing, it will be of no meaning. but if it's you, it suddenly feels special and different.



biases. ugh. driving me nuts.



i don't want to hope for anything anymore. it's just going to break my heart.

i didn't know you got off work early. i was wondering why you were so quiet. haha.



but i know that my office friend likes you. of course she can't be showy about it, being married and all, but i'm sure about it.



and... it makes me feel insecure about myself. haha. i think maybe she has more chances with you than i will ever have. she's fun and flirty and boisterous. i'm like, exact opposite lol. i'm not even approachable to strangers when circumstances don't call for it.



pfeh. i'm just boring like that.

I don't want to hope for you anymore but I can't help it. I keep wishing to see you where I am. I keep thinking of what you would do in my position. I keep thinking of what we would look like in certain occasions, like if we went to see a movie together, eat out together, go to one of your formal family events together, or just plain driving home from a convention together, talking about serious stuff, playful stuff, laugh out loud stuff and laughing til we pretty much turn blue. I keep wishing to sit in a cafe, with you, letting our coffees either turn cold or turn room temp, doing our computer and paper works, trying to lift each other's spirits up when a sigh escapes from one of us. I keep dreaming of sitting somewhere and just being with you, discussing anything that might pass our brains, your arm around my shoulders. I guess I'm looking for someone who might appreciate me and learn to respect me, and at the same time, someone who I might deem to be deserving of the respect and admiration returned. Am I choosy? Yes, quite. I even have biases. But what use would being together be if not to be productive and positive? Anything else would be suicide.

only a little less than 4mos more until this rounds out to a year.



i've been keeping my feelings a secret for 8mos+ now.



no one else can know. especially in the office. it would be drastic.



at the same time, it is pathetic to think that, 9mos, and still nothing. no strength to speak of it. no gall. so, no progress. no regress. no nothing. just a static noise, a background hum to my ongoing life. i'm kind of hoping he notices it, but at the same time, i'm afraid of him noticing it.



it might not be possible, i mean i'm pretty sure now that it isn't, but i still l



why do i pause whenever i'm thinking of typing out "love"



maybe i'm too scared to put any of this in writing. maybe it's not yet as ripe for the picking as i think it is.



but still, he is precious to me.