You know we're very different.

You have people who need you, and people you need. Your life is quite complete, experience-wise. You... you don't really seem to need anyone else.

I dunno how people do that. Be pleasantly dependent. Not fully, of course. Still with a strong dose of independence. But dependent enough to build good relationships, be it family or friends.

I don't think I have that gray area right there. I just feel like, if I'm asking for help, it's one huge favor I'm asking. It's gonna burden someone, and I don't want that, as much as possible.

And umm... i apply it to all facets of my life. So... it's not comfortable opening up to people too much because i feel like... they might get too burdened by me. Too involved. I might be wasting their time and energy by being a selfish person, hogging it all to myself.

S'why i would really, really appreciate it if someone consistently took up burdens for me. I mean, i don't want to give all my burdens of course, that's ridiculous and very callous, but... i guess it's just the sincerity and willingness that i want to see.

That's why i treasure the little favors you silently do for me. Those are worth so much in my eyes. But... i wish it was the same in your standards? I wish... you understood how much appreciation i feel for those things... so that you'll also understand me, and maybe understand your motives too, then decide to either stop or continue with it...

It's monday. I'm in the hospital accompanying mum while she's confined. She has some bad digestive problems and/or infections.

Work will be waiting 'til i get back. Possibly this friday.

Kinda hoping i can go back to work by then. Kinda hoping i can't.

Mmm... i know i'm not a communicative person. I'm... i'm dumb in that sense. Or maybe i just... i'm just really picky with the people i feel comfortable with.

But... sometimes - and this is one of those times - sometimes i wish others took the initiative to talk to me. Not... not in a manipulative, shallow way.
I mean sometimes it's nice to be asked some really random question, in my perspective, but somehow it would contain an informative answer for you.

You don't get that from acquaintance level people though. Unless they actually are curious.

I still wonder, though, how people can live without having that inner "antenna"... oh, but who am i to talk, haha. I've thought some people worthy to be friends with and got the opposite side of the coin.

It would just feel nice to be surprised that someone you don't expect to miss you, but you wish would miss you, misses you. I think i'm not alone in that feeling.

Just my thoughts though. Just some wish.

I am being a selfish twat.
I still want to justify my needs, but no matter what i say, to myself or to others, im still being selfish, and i feel guilty about it.



I dont want these problems, these complications, anymore. I never wanted them, actually. Things havent changed... for the better.
As much as i want to be fully independent, i... cant. Im too stupid to be independent. Im too dependent to be independent.

I umm... i'll just wish both our situations good turns to come. And stay.
I'll just wish... that someday, i'll be as independent as you are. That someday, maybe you'll learn to appreciate me too, as i do you... maybe see that i can be tough too. Maybe i'll be able to live tough and independent. Then maybe you'll find me. Or not. It wouldn't matter as much anymore by that time.

You don't care. That's it, really. You don't.

"Hello~ you are always in my heart~~"

It felt like a guillotine falling on my neck earlier today when dad recalled us going to the Mercato Centrale at BGC one morning, and mentioning that we saw your cousin there selling their own brand of milktea. And i remember her, and she is... not young.

I mean, jesus. Fucking. Christ.

What is it that makes me think that you're not as old as your age?? I'm so fucking screwed. There's just... way too many bumps and craters on this road. I'm so afraid to pursue it. So hesitant to tell you. I wish you weren't as close to the family as you are now - you and yours. I feel like it's a reversal of process, where the branches intertwine before the tree had the option to grow. It's so... wrong.

Thank you for the lip balm. It will be treasured.
Even the little note haha.

But, and it might hurt that, my low confidence level and high anxiety is making me think that... i don't deserve this gift? Mm... i'm thinking that you are, like many others have done, mostly relatives, giving me something that you've either kept for so long but didn't need, or no one else wanted the lip balm so i'm the last person to receive something, probably out of an unrequired sense of necessity.

But i treasure it, still. There's some ache from thinking this way - the "if i'm right" thought trail - because... it would immediately put me in 2nd++ position again. Like always. Erm... i don't want... to be put aside anymore. I mean, it's fine if you're simply not interested, but don't... don't put me on the shelf and let me gather dust... i don't want that anymore.

And... if there is nothing to say and nothing to... commit, then let it be clear that we are just friends, nothing more.

And if there is something to hold on to, don't let me grasp at straws here. Don't let me consult oracles and crystal balls. Tell me. Tell me as it is.

Do any of these, and you do me a huge favor.

I don't want to assume anything. But my mind can be really imaginative and persuading.

I'm still keeping my wits about me, rest assured. But... but convince me that my imagination is wrong. Just help me get over this. If not... if you welcome the (destruct)distraction, then tell me too. Tell me so that i don't have to keep dreaming and waking up, over and over and over. I'm already shattered as tiny bits of broken glass. Grinding this any further is both pointless and hurtful.

You were so close then. So close...