I feel pathetic. Useless. Needy. Too dependent.

Validation. I need validation. For my existence. For what i feel. Validation to know that this is normal. That im just human, thus the feelings. I have not received any kind of validation for a long while. I have been living off of other people's goals for a long while now. I umm... i dunno... some kind of sincere appreciation would be nice... by sincere i mean... maybe an explanation that i could accept... maybe try to change my mind about how i feel about myself... i know. It's so dependent. I'm so dependent on other people for my happiness. I've been trying to make things right by myself. It has not been as fulfilling as when coming from the brains of others... because from others, i know that i have not staged it, i have not manipulated it. It means more, coming from others. It has more value, especially if coming from someone i look up to... that maybe someone understands the effort i am putting into things... maybe someone understands that my life is not easy for me... and how i think too much of things, maybe someone would understand that. Maybe someone could understand that work is my escape pod, and see it from the ground.
It's tiring, waiting for someone who could understand... ive been crying often, lately. I wish i could communicate my loneliness without talking. Because talking renders it meaningless... you cannot put intensity into words. I wish i could connect with someone easily.

I know that i'm not obviously indicative of who i'm pertaining to when i write posts from my hopeless romantic side, but i wish some sort of initiative would come from you... i just wish for it. It's just a dream. I want to be angry or sad. I want to be able to ask for something from you. But i don't really have the guts nor the right to do so. I shouldn't really be expecting anything. It's not like it's mutual, and i'm aware of that, and it makes it all the more frustrating. And i still want for some sort of reaction from you, some sort of care, some sort of afterthought even, some sort of specified presence for. And i feel so stupid for waiting for something that i'm not initiating, because i don't feel like i can initiate it, i don't feel like i should initiate it... because the worst kind of rejection comes from being put away to collect dust...

Gawds.

I miss you. So. Much.

I still clearly remember that look from you. But the memory is getting time-stretched in my mind.

I'm starting to develop angry feelings for the assistant. I'm feeling... threatened and... well, i just feel that she also wants for your attention. She talks a lot about what you do. She feels special. I don't know why i hate it when she's like that. Sometimes i think of "putting her in her place", but really, what place? We're just 2 equal and different people from different backgrounds. I just feel threatened with how she can easily get you if she wanted to. I think she's just stopping herself because of her life sitch now, and her fiance and 3 kids, and gossip. But she cannot, i swear, she. Just. Cannot. Keep. Her mouth. Shut. And, i dunno, control herself. I get pissed when she starts gushing. Because i do feel the butterflies too, but we don't react the same. She's just so verbal about it, and to me too. I dunno if she's not aware of the depth of my feelings or she just prefers to brush it aside to get the spotlight.

I hate when i catch myself thinking the wrong concepts, and start to correct myself, and realize that my feelings are pretty much baseless, pathetic, and/or shallow.

I love you, and that's all that should be said about it, or less. Nothing more.

i will never forget that look.



i still cannot decipher you after all this time. but i will never forget that look today. it was hesitant communication.

It should not matter that you don't really see me.
It should not matter that i miss you too much when i don't see you, and immediately worry when you should be around but you're not.
It should not matter that i wish you'd feel the same, but you will continually disappoint my hopes unintentionally.
It should not matter that you are not receptive... that you do not move first, or even, or ever.
It should not ever matter that you're so far away physically, mentally and emotionally.
But everything adds up to my questions... my worries and self-pity and self-hate... of why i cannot be with you. Why you can't see me. Why it feels like either i'm making all the wrong choices or i'm being the wrong person. Or both. Why i cannot connect with you. Why i'm too much of a sissy to be real with you. Why things should be like this. Why i should be like this.

Whatever happened to you...

You. Have. A. Perfect. Life. And... i don't... really have any place in it... i mean, i'm... not really part of anyone's plans... not really that much of a rock, or a pebble, to make waves...

Umm...

I... i feel useless haha. I feel... like i'm only here to fulfill mindless duties..... like i'm only here to fill up some annoying holes... not really anything that would matter to anyone.

I'm listening to someone on the radio right now. She's talking about her brother (?) who died during his duties... and how she's lost her faith because of this happening.

I feel so fckn insignificant compared to her. To her pain. I feel like... i should not be... i should not even be writing about my feelings haha.

Been teetering along the line of... what feels slightly like depression...

The sad is just part of it. Though i think it's the deepest one. There's... stagnancy, and tiredness, and just wanting everything to stop, and suddenly losing whatever motivation is left to reach for... feeling both rawly exposed and 7isolated... mmm... trying to consciously keep my thoughts floating above destruction...

I want to binge eat and not care anymore whether i would still wake up tomorrow or die or be kept in permanent comatose. It feels uplifting to do things that break the barrier of human limitation. It feels like being in control, knowing the possible outcomes and choosing to still do them despite the risks. The result may leave me helpless, but the process is hugely empowering.

But i'll let this pass... i'll let this off... god help keep me sane through the times that i am alone and thinking things...

my feelings seem to come in waves. but lately, i've been wanting it to disappear. like really wanting it to, having 2 voices in my head, 1 still hoping and 1 commanding it to shut up. this last voice, it's trying to make me hardheaded and determined to stop missing you.


and it's working pretty well, i think.

but it also helps that you're not being "there". your presence isn't being felt. it's helping to psych me that there is nothing to wait for.



but i think that, with this... process of forgetting, i might also became hateful. hateful towards you. hateful towards others.



i don't know if that's a good thing or not lol. but... i'm also quite tired of... running after people. waiting on people. i'll probably grow old alone haha. or just be alone, not necessarily grow old.



i don't like it when people wait on me. i don't like to butt into people's lives, schedules, work rhythms. i feel like i'm violating their personal sense of value. i take small efforts seriously, and i do the same to other people.



i sometimes wish that there would be someone willing to waste effort on me. just being there, it's actually more than enough. i don't know if i'm asking for too much, that that wish would be coming specifically from me. but... but maybe it is a lot to ask, especially from someone whose hands are filled with their own life...