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Im testing blogaway. Hope this works.

I'm slowly recalling everything...

You were also listening when i was talking to... mom, i think. Or dad. Whoever.

You also asked me if someone was going to bring me to the resto.

Then joked about me being immune to the cold.

Then later about the plastic chicken (lols). Though it got cut off abruptly.

...

My brain is being an arsehole right now. Don't do anything like those things again. Unless you actually ARE trying to send a message.

Jesus. Christ. Help me.

It's hard trying to love someone who is on a very different level from you. Me, a designer, liking you, a CPA, who is 20 years senior in age. You don't know what topics to focus on, what interests the both of you, what HIS interests are. You don't know how to actually befriend him, or keep up with his pace, whatever pace that is. You don't even know how to start a friggin conversation with him.

But... I think he's trying. We talked more today than we have ever talked before, I think.

I also caught him looking at me a few times. That's in the restaurant. Nothing about work.

Though it's still pathetic that the only talk we've ever done in the resto was still revolving around work (lol).

It's like grasping at a bunch of rose stems and trying to find that one stem that wouldn't prick you.
You're not even sure if it exists; you're definitely not sure if it's in that bunch.

But I guess I'm already happy that I even got the chance to hold that bunch of rose stems. I guess I SHOULD be happy as it is. I don't really care if something blossoms between us and people suddenly start talking. Or, I care for the blossom, not for the talk.

It's too much to ask, but I kinda wish that you'd keep doing this. Keep trying. Keep forging. I will appreciate it very, very much. Meaning or no meaning.

You did not go to work today...

I hope you're okay, what with all these bad things happening... i hope you didn't get affected by it too. :(

Gods i miss you. When you're not in the office, it feels like things are so... dead. Boring. Just plain tiring, not happy or exciting or hopeful.

Will you be going to work tomorrow? The dinner?

As long as you're okay...

that is just the reality... you aren't meant to be remembered... i told myself.



why is it that everyone else can freely come and go into my life, but not you? not ever you?



i'd like to think of good thoughts, assume good things... but, it just leads to personal disappointments. lower self-esteem.



i can't talk to you comfortably because you being there just makes me conscious of myself... but i wish it was as freeflowing as when i talk to normal friends.

i saw you looking again.



what. whaaaaaat.



that experience in Rob. Magnolia is nothing compared to when i see you.



i wish we can talk more. i dunno how, and im not good at initiating these things, or even continuing with it, but i wish we do talk more. i wish we, or more surely, i, don't have to keep playing hide and seek like this...

how is it that you are continually going up my friends list?? you were always 7th/9th/11th before, but then you came in 5th, and now 4th!
you also appear pretty often on my top 9 now!
can someone explain the algorithm to me because i cannot for the life of me understand how it works!
8 of the people on my top9 are constant, except the last, where 3 of you can appear any time.
you appear there whenever you get in the 7th or higher place.
the 2 topmost peeps there are also my 2 topmost peeps in the list. the 3rd is a weird placer! the others are also placers in the list but i'm not exactly familiar with them. and then there's you, who can appear anywhere between 5th and 11th, and now 4th! but you only ever get the last square on my top 9!

what in the world...

now i'm also wondering about what you're seeing on your side...

this is making me happy and anxious at the same time, and it's annoying that i can't get a decent explanation of what is happening aksdfljalskdaksjdf

I'm so attracted to you it's getting ridiculous...

I wish my thoughts were real... i wish my assumptions were real... i wish it was mutual...

Im pretty sure that you giving me these doesnt mean anything, but i hope it does... i hope you were just thinking about doing it or not... i hope you were just choosing what you would be giving me... i hope you heard the joy in my voice...

I hope things change for the better between us... i hope it wouldnt be as awkward... because i know it would be different, but i dont know if it would be positively progressive... and i definitely dont know if i should keep at this, if it is worth keeping my feelings for you intact... or if im just travelling a long road to reach an unbreakable wall...

Hello, my love.
I wish you will read this.
I enjoy your presence. Your voice.
I don't know you enough, still.
But, you are my love.
It's been more than a year of secrecy. And concern and care. That I cannot let you know.
I don't want to break what is already there.
It's a huge lie to say that it is a risk worth taking. It never gets better than a risk, but, at least, I wish my chances were higher.
I've told myself, again and again, that I should be forgetting, and forget you. But I can't seem to do it.
I wish I was a better talker, but I'm not. I can't get the chance to know you more, besides by listening to your other conversations during lunch time.
I wish I could freely be there for you.

Ah, I'm very sleepy now. Good night, my love. I hope you have a good rest. And I hope your cough and body pains would go away...

I dont know why i love you, but i do. For no specific reason. I think im just enamored by your potential to be unraveled. Youre so quiet im curious about how you are when your screws are loosened. I wish i could do that, but as it is, i cant even look you in the eyes on random occassions. I feel shy around you. And im scared of being found out. Of you finding out. I do want you to know, but im not sure how to let you know, and what the consequences will be...

today, i have somehow convinced myself to reignite my photography "hobby" and my want to learn guitar playing.



all because i have killed 2 large roaches within a specific, short time frame.



funny how life can get to you through small, seemingly meaningless events.



there's a small part of this decision that involves you, though. there's a small part in there, i have to admit, that wants to do this in order to attract you. i'm not sure if that's a good thing, but if it's gonna fuel my passion and interest in learning, then so be it. i only hope that, when if the time comes that (a) i will have to leave you, or (b) i gradually forget about you, or (c) you ask me to go, that the passion and interest would still remain in me, and that my life would still continue, in the pursuit of personal interests, and not in pursuit of you.