20090921
20090910
20090906
life by chances
that which makes you happy but is wrong?
or that which is right but makes u sad?
when is sacrifice really a sacrifice, and not an indication of stupidity?
how do you define reality in your own terms and based on your life?
what is more important: love or morality?
why will you fight for something that you're not even sure is worth it?
why will you ask for something that you know you'll sadly have to let go anyway?
how monumental is it that it cannot be considered as bound by limits?
is there really more to this consciousness or are we just trying to make things look valuable?
to sum it up:
what and why do you live for?
20090904
darnit.
like i'm about to asplode. f*ck i don't even feel like writing it cute.
again.
like i'm about to explode.
i have to TALK to someone.
i have to hear them say that i'm FAULTLESS and what i did was RIGHT.
i have to see the result of my being HARSH.
and it has to be a GOOD result.
or else, too much effort will go to waste.
and i'll probably hurt myself again.
why does my ability to dream the future always fail me in cases like these??
SUX LIKE A LEECH. BIG TIME.
I HATE YOUUUUU. because i have to leave you. left a dratted hole in my heart.
now, to another plug... if there ever is one. hope it's sturdy.
20090903
it was hurtful to lose a close friend. more so because i don't know if the path i pointed him to is the right path.
i don't know if my intentions reached his radar right. it sounds like they didn't.
*****
no one to share with.
keep your problems to yourself.
keep the skeletons in your closet.
do not make them wake up. the only sound you can make is sobbing.
the only solution to your problem is to keep the silence. if possible, keep it forever.
because i am a prisoner in my own brain.
20090901
50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind
i just felt like answering every question. found this in mej's post (i think?)
These questions have no right or wrong answers.
Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.
1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
i think i'd be... somewhere 25-30
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
never trying in the case of new things. failing in the case of old mistakes.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
because everyone has stopped recognizing the simple fact that we should prioritize the innate sense of kindness within us.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
i try not to *sigh*
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
to remove selfishness.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
travel photographer, journalist, and to be a volunteer at charity functions and animal shelters.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
trying to do what i believe in.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
i'd be happier all around.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
:'(
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
definitely about doing the right things.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
defend my friend in the most civilized possible way. if it does not deter their opinion, then they become disrespected.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
think before you act.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
yes.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
all the time XD
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
seeing beauty and truth where they see something that should be erased from existence.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
because my happiness may mean their loneliness, which makes me selfish.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
going my own way. a lot of reasons are holding me back. blame it on empathy.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
maybe...
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
i would move to england or france or antarctica. anonymity is a must.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
no. hahaha. it doesn't :)
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
joyful simpleton.
22. Why are you, you?
because i am the result of years of wandering and internalization.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
i... think so.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
losing touch :(
25. What are you most grateful for?
grateful for friends. grateful for beauty. grateful for joan-of-arc's. grateful for people who have not yet forgotten that life is not about making money but about making a difference and reminding others that peace, happiness and contentment is still the ultimate goal.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
never be able to make new ones. well... both.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
sadly, i don't think so. but neither am i sure if God does exist.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
our greatest fear only comes at the time that it comes. it does not come beforehand. so yes, i have faced my greatest fear many times now.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
in a way, it does. it's part of my foundation as a person now.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
my happiest childhood memory came when i was 12 years old (w/c makes it not exactly a "childhood" memory), and i was left alone to wander around the halls of Star Cruise Virgo. getting lost was great :)
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
when i was stippling my way through my artwork titled "eye point".
32. If not now, then when?
if it will come, it will come.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
i lose control of the chance of failure.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
not yet :(
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
because religions only answer to humanly and worldly needs, which pretty much means physical instincts.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
yes. believe in your intuition and your innate sense of kindness will rule over, teaching you right and wrong.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
i'd quit my job even without winning, if that is what will make me happy.
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
work enjoyed is not work. it is play. so my answer is both.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
yes :(
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
when we had the composition plate for making robots :)
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
someone who can't be mentioned, but that my presence might make his/her life feel worthwhile, even just temporarily.
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
no.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
being alive is functioning. truly living is when you know what makes you happy and content, and following that knowledge while getting on with life.
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
when you are confused and you know that whatever action you take will result in temporarily negative but permanently positive waves.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
we become afraid only when we know that it is a mistake. there's nothing to learn in something you keep repeating. we learn that something is a mistake if we did it and it proves wrong.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
i would plan my life in the riskiest possible way, all the while enjoying and letting others enjoy as well, while not breaking any moral rules.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
everytime i internalize and feel that the sound of my breathing is the only thing that can keep me alive and sane.
48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
i love love. i love cats. i love people who know how to not step on anyone else just to get to the top. i love non-pretentious people. i love photography. i love to sleep. i love warmth. i love writing. i love the arts. i love beauty. i love kindness. i love vigilantes against abusive behavior.
i love. and i have tried to express this in any way i can, minding that i don't cross out others' opinions.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
i will remember certain things that have enriched me. and i will remember answering this questionnaire :)
50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
i am making them myself for myself. i am letting others do it if it involves other lives.
being burdened by something that can't be changed by me.
AFFECTED.
if life gives you lemons, get back at life and squeeze the juice on its eyes. then it'll know how f*cked up it makes a person's existence become.
numbness would be a very good gift right now, thank you.
objectivity betrayed by subjectivity. who the heck gave us such contradicting brain waves??
objectivity vs objectivity = subjectivity in its most useless state.
i hate my life.
i hate being born through human blood, and having history as far off as adam impregnated eve. i hate having to be born from a reason. i hate having to take everything to mind before i act. i wish i had no history.
i wish i had nothing to base my life upon, then i'll become the best observer there is.
in exchange for happiness and sadness.
*sigh*