i involuntarily look back at some moments in my life when i see random things i can relate to.
or, not exactly moments all the time. let's say, situations. statuses.
it just makes me realize some things. and it usually erases the smile.
i dunno. i just happen to notice the negatives a lot. like, how a block mate of mine is fully supported by her dad in her creative/artistic journeys. she's one of the best artists i know.
and how, in the end of "a good marriage", short story by stephen king, holt ramsey tells darce that she "did the right thing", and hugging her. just like that. and darce feels lighthearted afterward.
what else...
there are a lot of these moments. usually moments when i'm grinning ear to ear because of something i'm watching or experiencing. then suddenly this realization hits me, that i don't have this happy thing at home, and i just can't smile anymore.
i keep telling myself to be content with what i have. be content that my parents aren't fighting lately; probably tolerating each other as much as possible, just skirting the anger zone at most.
and that i should be content that i have all these material things, that my parents were in good standing when they had me, so that i can live almost normally now even with my diabetes.
"normally". HAH. who the heck are you joking.
and that i should be content with my job. be content with my life. my friends. (oh but my friends are the best. ever.) my... status. pretty much everything.
but there's the question of, how much contentment should one feel that s/he would still move forward in spite of the bliss s/he experiences, knowing that "forward" may mean the end of his/her bliss?
i dunno either.
i'll just go with the flow.
maybe it's a little different if i didn't have my sickness. i could just go away, live alone. find a job, earn some money to get me food and clothing and somewhere to live. just the necessary stuff. and i wouldn't be a burden to anyone.
but i guess i'm just being selfish, thinking this way.
ah. life.