i miss you... friggin hell.

Love is a privilege.

So early today, love.
Wonder what you do on mornings.

Life goes on: progresses, ebbs, never stays in the same place all around you.
And here, you grieve for a single life that ebbs and flows without you.
Your foolishness and hardheadedness is unreasonable.

No, we just don't.
I'm kinda disappointed, but then again, you've done so much more with your life than i have with mine.
Proof again that i'm... well... living backwards.

》》》》》

Tbh i feel unmotivated right now.
Work motivates me because i know that i'm needed by other people, so their needs could be met.
But um...
Personally i... dont have anything in mind.
I feel tired a lot. Constantly. I feel like im being extra sensitive to possibly nonexistent problems, but i can't stop myself from reacting to them...

》》》》》

I'm just... meh, really.

Being haunted by thoughts of self loath.
Show up. Help me.

You feel cold.
Maybe i'm just imagining things too.
Anyway, i hope your cough goes away soon. Just went thru my own bout of cough, it's not nice. I dunno if it's making you cranky.
. .... ...

Morning missings. No mirrors to be found...

Nanlalambot ako.

Pagod na ko.

Hintay nang hintay sa napakaraming wala. Lagi akong nakakadisappoint. Lagi akong nadidisappoint. Although sanay na ko, kung ako lang din naman. Pero nakakapagod parin.

Ang sakit sa puso. Ayoko na gumalaw. Ayoko na kumilos. Ayoko na mag-effort ng kahit ano, kahit kanino.

Sorry na. Wala talaga kong kwenta eh. Sana nga di nalang ako nabuhay.

It's dangerous when i feel neglected... i start feeling unmotivated and unfocused and pointless... i can live on my own, but it's different when people are around you, or that particular someone is around, and you're... you're treated like furniture. Like the floor. Like air.

You have your life, and i have mine.

This is teaching me patience, detachment and independence, and individuality and reliability.

And most of the time, i just wish my brain would shut down, stop imagining things that could happen, stop asking for so many things in secret, stop trying to put my shoes in your lawn, in your house, in your heart. You are a good neighbor, but 2 people living under one roof is a choice - 2 made choices actually - and i do not have the privilege of agreement. I do not have the privilege of mutual understanding. I do not have the privilege of having you.

And sometimes, i wish... i wish you were so easy to hate, so i could have a reason to leave. And i definitely wish that i wasn't so biased towards imagined happenings, because imagination tends to be stronger that reality in my head...

I still cannot decipher you. And i've known it for so long, but it's still a maybe - maybe i should stop trying to.