2.06am

Here recalling lots of past events, and/or feelings again. It's a constant roller coaster in here but i notice it more at times when i'm p doing anything.

I feel like i'm gonna be a very different person when i get a measure of freedom again.

Sometimes i think, what if im actually an extrovert? What if... well, what is it that im looking for anyway? What if there came time again to just be myself?

"Look at her, she's a self-made woman." I don't want endless riches. I just want a life of purpose. Something that might inspire someone else to be more conscientious, kinder, more peace-loving and be intellectually hungry. Life is... pointless beyond... everything, really. We're all just gonna die anyway.

this is you feeling jealous. you missing out on everything and feeling the currents flow right under your nose. this is you wanting to be the best, trying to be ambitious, conquering all platforms, but all of it are just wants. this is you being angry for not being able to become someone else. like someone else. this is you being desperate, clutching at very small victories of attention and magnifying them by multiples. this is your sadness and fear speaking. it will be gone soon. within the month.

Thoughts:

1. The feeling of being split between wanting to be always there for your parents, wanting some long-missed alone time, and wanting to see some friends. Oh, and wanting to be more independent. And feeling guilty because when you do one, you cannot do the rest.

2. I hate that you keep claiming ownership over him. I hate how much of a snake... no, you're not that bad, but you're definitely very manipulative, and i fucking hate that, and i fucking hate seeing you being like that over someone. And your intention is so fucking obvious to me. I fucking hate that i can't do anything about it. At the same time, i fucking hate this feeling of alienation. That no matter how i try to be friendly and in level with everyone, the idea of a wall will continually be imposed on my person. And it does not fucking help that im awkward as fuck.

Yeah. Thats... thats about it for now.
Ive always only wanted to be an onlooker, because the world has too much drama to be involved in. It just drags you down. But at the same time, if youre just an onlooker, an observer, it also means that you can't give joy and you can't participate in joy. And it's... harsh? To be able to feel but not be able to act. I wish it was just 1 or the other, no gray areas.

been a while. feels really empty.

i wonder about people. and i wonder if they wonder about me. and what about.

if life stops for someone, or for the self, or if it continues to pull you but in a direction that you are unwilling to go.

being worthless is the worst feeling in the world.