Hmm.

I think I just had the most number of eye contact with you within the past 2 days. Why do you look at me? I'm not sure of what you're trying to indicate. I mean I sometimes feel like you're curious about my reactions, judging, but at other times, I feel like you're seeking approval from me.

Kinda weird, but I think I might be doing the same to you. I think we're sort of mirroring each other, not sure if intentionally doing so or not, but probably not..?

Stationary dilemma

I cannot stop thinking about you.
I think about you when i wake up.
I think about you when i'm picking out my clothes for the day.
I think about you during bath time, during breakfast, while waiting for my ride.
I think about you when i get to work. Whether you're already there or whether you're coming to work.
I think about what you might be wearing that day.
I think about you while working. Possible chance circumstances that may let us talk comfortably, or just quietly be in the same room, noting each other's presence and using that to focus on the work before us.
I think about you when work ends for the day.
I think about you when going home, wondering what time you'll be going home yourself.
I think about mentally bidding you goodbye and seeing you again tomorrow.
I think about you when i get home, and me and dad eat dinner. I think about how dinner would be like if it were between us two. I wonder if it would be enjoyable and heartwarming and filling, as any meal should be.
I think about you while washing the dishes, wondering what you would have been doing at that moment.
I think about you as i properly keep all the dishes and whatnots, and then lock up the house and go upstairs.
I think about you as i go online and check your friend ranking and your profile, in case you posted something new.
I think about you as i go to sleep.
I think about you all the time, but for now, i will sleep. I hope i dream of you.

Hay...

How are you? Wonder what happened to your mum...

Ive been putting meaning on everything you do... though i know that all of it is pointless unless i hear it from you yourself...

I love you... i hope you love me back... i hope there will come a time when i dont have to write down my feelings anymore, instead directly saying them to you... and i hope the time comes when you feel the same way, when we both feel comfortable around each other...

I keep hoping...

i've been harboring my feelings for you for more than a year now, but i still question why i do...



i don't think i'm mature enough to handle this. not even mature enough to get into a relationship. i feel like... i'm too childish to be in one...? i feel like i still don't know a lot of things to even be thinking of... you. of being with you. and... maybe i'm not "adult" enough just yet...?



i kind of feel that it's a good thing no one has tried courting me yet. i know that i don't exactly want to show interest either, because i'm scared of the notion of being... courted? i mean, i would like it, and i would love to feel that i'm appreciated by someone and someone's interested in who i am, but i'm scared of how formal it could get. meeting the parents, asking for permission to go out, trying to fit someone into your life... it feels tedious, maybe stressful, very obligatory, to be doing these things.



do these things come naturally with the right person?



possibly? maybe? maybe if the couple in the relationship/courtship stage is mature enough, maybe it would be natural to them. and to the spectators. and other people involved. maybe.



i'm still just... cautious about it though. it's a very new experience, if ever, and it involves other people, and involves showing your emotions, being vulnerable to many people, especially to that one person who you wish to be part of your life, but still has the chance to not want/be in your life in the future. it's scary.

chahnees nyuu yiiah



putting the holidays on the wrong days. hah.

i guess it's okay though. i can still see you on friday, before the week ends.



i wish everyday would mean better relations between us. better talks. better comfort. mmm... maybe better friendship.

Vday? What vday?

Yeah so, valentines went by like one of em normal, boring days.
I had kinda wanted it to be different this time... but no. Nothing.
He's also still quiet, as usual.
Ehmmm... im... it's rather depressing, actually. Like... something's probably wrong with me. I dunno.
I wonder how he feels though. Or if he has any date. Or loved one. S.
I wish i didn't have anything to lose so that i could just freely tell him how i feel. Im just too much of a coward with these things.

i hope you're okay...

Shards of jealousy

Why do you talk to her like that... i know it's just work... but...
There's also the mmk episode hahahahhaha such big deal what
I just feel like... im being pushed aside... again... and im jealous... i feel like everything i worked for is for naught... just because her department is not my department... her strength is not my strength... you dont ask me things because why would you? She has the answers, not me, i dont have em.
Im just...
I wish i wasnt like this... i wish i was more comfortable talking... or... i dunno. I wish i could also be appreciated... feel genuinely appreciated... i wish i could help you more...
I know that this is a very immature feeling... theres no point to this, nor proper cause... i guess im just looking for something to point my frustrations at... because if you had wanted to ask for my help, im pretty sure you would... not out of any other reason than the need for help... as is with her...
Im sorry if i feel neglected but also dont want the spotlight... im just looking for someone who would understand me and would be patient with me...

this has long been in my head.



i wonder how life would be when my parents get really old. i mean, yeah they're old now, but, geriatrics old. bedridden old.

possibly amnesiac old. alzheimer's old.

i wonder how i would fare. i wonder how i would be able to take care of them. i wonder how i'll be able to pay the bills, or clean no, cleaning house is not a problem. i wonder how i'll be able to keep up with their medicines and their needs. how i'll manage to remind them about who they are, who i am, and what they are doing. would i even manage? nobody wants responsibility like this. nobody wants to feel obligated to do this. neither do i, but i know that i should. it's my duty. i cannot simply leave them when they need me the most. but i wonder all the same.



i wonder who i could run to for help, if the need arises. i wonder who would come and help me, of their own volition.



i wonder if i can make it.

Hey, you.

I'm being incredibly frustrated by my current state.
I honestly don't mind that I'm single and nbsb at this age. What bothers me is that I can't get an answer from you. I can't tell you anything. I can't... simply be friends with you, even.
I don't know if I'm playing a game or We're playing a game. I want to know you more and understand you and maybe be able to comfortably talk with you. Maybe it would open doors up. Maybe it could help me move on. Maybe it could clear things up between us and I might find an accidental best friend (because I somehow think that it's possible).
So many maybe's and no answers to be had. Because things can get awkward. Because this isn't what normal people do or feel. Because I'm scared to start, or possibly end, anything.
I wish you could see this though. I wish that my entries in this blog would open my heart to you, in the way that words can't do for me. In the way that actions can't do for me.
I'm so sorry that I cannot say this out loud. I'm just not as strong or courageous to do so. I'm scared of doing this live, saying these things in your face, because it will expose me horribly - me and my emotions, my heart, my tears and awkward laughter. And... I'm just scared of being rejected again. Being put aside again. Being told that it isn't possible. Not being... held... as precious... or deserving. I'm scared of that possibility.
But I will do something different this time. I will put a lighted firecracker in the forest, and see if it gets your attention. I'm still too much of a coward to put this directly through you, but this feels pretty bold as it is.
Marvin.
Yeah, you.
You should know this. "Should" is rather suffocating, I think, but this is how I feel right now. I feel that I should tell you about this. My blog contains my feelings and questions from a year of admiring you from afar. Just go back through my posts if you want to know how deep this is, and thus, how horribly pathetic this is.

UGH

JFC I NEED YOU, YOU NUMBSKULL.
I know that it isn't obvious at all BUT REALLY.
Well.
... nothing, really.
I can't really throw anything at you because I know for a fact that I haven't said anything myself.
It's just incredibly frustrating.
Incredibly frustrating to fall in love with a person who, as societal norms dictate, is not at all a good choice, because of that huge age gap and the weird connections of kinship, nevermind the person's goodness and intelligence. You're just too old, they would say.
BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE. TRY TO LOOK AROUND. I'd be so fuckin lucky, God help me, if you actually do see this blog. The job would be done for me. And I might, at the very least, get some sort of closure over this.
I WANT YOU TO SEE THIS SO YOU WOULD KNOW HOW I FEEL. I'm so bad with verbal language, I'd probably faint from anxiety if I did this personally. Live.
So I'll just keep wishing that you see this, on your own, out of your own curiosity. I'll just keep wishing that you'll understand. (I'm hoping it would be mutual, but that's pretty far off the beaten track. Still not giving up though, my heart.)
My death wish is nearing pretty fast. It's... just about 4mos away now. I'm not sure if I want it to happen, but... I wish that you'd be in my life, whether it happens or not. I wish you'd be in my life before my death happens, whatever date it's bound to happen on.

i know that i shouldn't be expecting anything from you. but it's still equally frustrating, whether i have or don't have the right to expect anything. i wish you wouldn't be so guarded up and locked down. an angel might be purity and goodness embodied, but you do not get life out of an angel.

Faint warnings

I wonder how you'll feel... i wonder what it would mean to you. I wonder what scenarios would be created in your brain... if there would be any at all. I wonder if you even care.

I wish you did. I wish you do. I wish you would.

I love you. I can love you. But im being cautious because everything is still covered up in clouds. But... id like to think that youre trying.

Im sorry if i dont know how to respond... i wish i could read your mind too. So that i'll know whether you feel the same or not at all.

i just don't know what to make of you.



i feel like you're my twin, somehow.



it's almost mutual, but also negating.



such weird.