Miss you horribly but cannot and will not tell you anything.

Why do i have to do everything... jfc you make me cry without you knowing...

1.45am.
I have times where i just want to cry, for small reasons propelled on by deeper grievances.
Like when i felt very disconnected earlier just because i have a cold that's been staying with me for 2 weeks.
And um... kinda feels like im invisible. Or dumb.
I dont know if these are natural feelings or im just narcissistic. I read some stuff about how no one should blame others if they dont notice you, because theyre also in that same state of self concern and are not as conscious of others.
I wonder which group i belong to.
And i dont know if its natural that i feel neglected at my current state of relationships with people.
Must be nice to be numb about your personal needs. Everything would mean a lot. Abnormally lots.

You're leaving at dawn, but I don't want to miss you anymore...

Please tell him that i love him as he is, and he does not have to strive for validation, and that i did not give him a heart to simply show support, but to tell him that what he has done is beautiful, and that even though i appreciate some of his work more than i do his other works, it does not mean that i neglect them, because even they serve as windows to his soul and intellect.
Please tell him that someone appreciates him, excellent or average or poor, that someone appreciates his wholeness, and believes that his wholeness transcends the beauty of perfection.
Please tell him that life is not simply for show, and that a backstage pass is valued more than a front seat ticket.

Im lost. Yup. Im... i feel very... out of place? Like, my mind looks at a lot of stuff and looks for something from all of it... something i could connect to... im quite obsessed with my imaginary connection with you, for one. Then as nicely as it forms, it snaps off, one by one. Not just with you though. With everything. Sometimes it's just nicer to be with animals. Theres a very basic connection when its with them. But with people, it feels like a competition every day. Or like a right minus wrong quiz. It feels horribly alienating esp when you want a deeper connection with a particular someone, and none is forthcoming. Where do you put your value as a human being? Do you want to be treasured by just a few people, or loved by lots but not deep enough? Both are positive, in their own ways. I prefer the former, but i strive for a general goal of the latter. The former i still value more though. And... it's kind of missing. It's not... i haven't exactly seen it yet. Sometimes i feel so desperate to find this/these persons, and fear that i might be pushing the notion towards the wrong people. Same with my art. It's either i go personal or i go commercial, and commercial feels very much against my... my intentions. Or maybe im just not good enough to be both. As with my relationships. Maybe im just not good enough, in general, as what i usually notice.

I have some memories of you that i feel... i cannot simply put away... but at the same time, i'm not sure how i'm supposed to interpret them...

But if you do not need me, or worry about me, then what is the point of those little memories...

Everything's just going down the drain~

The things i had been imagining, the dreams... the little adventures we could have... pet shops, cafes, solo times and knowing theres someone you could go back to when youre back from them... gifting you a watch, maybe a pair of shoes, a nice top... little morning notes... talking about going to trips... me learning from you...

My head can be full of itself sometimes... forgetting what the reality is, the absolute dishonesty that is being formed in the mind not being recognized...

Im throwing all of that away...

If you by chance would like for me to be part of your life, you are very welcome to try and ask, make your effort. Just that i don't want to imagine things anymore, or lay down the road for you. You can build it yourself. If you want to.

Things are slowly breaking apart. Everything is. I don't want anything to do with anyone anymore. Friends, sure. Some close pals. But anything involving commitment is a goddamned curse. Platonic or romantic. It's a damned curse. It's not like anyone's trying anyway. I think no one likes or needs my presence either, but I'm thinking it should now go both ways. From them, and now, maybe from me too.
Maybe that's why i was tagged a user back then. Maybe they think i'm being needy yet not there. It's never good to be reliant. On anyone. Once you build something up, they expect you to always be there too. And i know that i havent been like that. Im just not sure when. I never intended for things to be one-sided, but what i intended was that we be there for each other when it is needed, when the sitch calls for it. Maybe i havent been there, or i havent let my presence feel that way, and maybe she thinks shes done it for me. Im sorry if i was a disappointment. Im a horrible friend haha. Im never there. And it's all coming back to me. And i don't want this... (unintentional) rejection anymore. If i can't do my part as a friend, what more something else, and as it is, i shouldve known to expect the same treatment from others too. It's not their fault. It's mine, from the start.

the maelstrom never formed. there was nothing to form it with, to begin with.

everything ends here.

this image/quote might sound... ancient, but it feels true. and it applies. and i need to wake up.

some people are meant to make a difference, while some are simply meant to fill the role of... workers. the tiny tiny cogs of world progress. some would think the tiny cogs are just as important as the thinkers, the movers, but... it doesn't feel that way.



i'm tired.



i'm a tiny, rusty cog. readily thrown away.

ayoko narin sumubok... punyeta... nakakasama lang ng loob. wala ka namang pakialam...

kunsabagay, bat nga ba ko nage-expect. wala ka rin namang mapapala sakin. tapos kamamatay lang din ng erpats mo, syempre nandun parin yung isip mo. dapat lang rin naman atang ganun. ako lang rin ata yung makasarili. saka, malay ko ba kung anong tumatakbo sa isip mo. malay ko rin ba kung anong meron sa buhay mo ngayon. malay ko rin ba kung ano ka nga ba.

nakakasama lang ng loob. yun lang.

You know what? He doesn't care one bit. I want to cry. I'm so frustrated. I wanna take down these 3-years worth of blog entries, because they don't really mean squat if you don't even notice, if you're not even the least bit interested.

Fuck all this. Fuck it all. The people you wish would listen, they never listen... ever.

I wish i had at least that much self trust as she does.
It's stupid to be frustrated over something not working when you know that you're scared if it does work...

you look sorta tired today, like maybe you didn't get enough sleep.

your shirt was cute. haha. i wouldn't say you should keep wearing it, but it was cute this time.

i wonder if you get mood swings too. if guys get mood swings too. because you looked so happy yesterday.



i'd point you to this blog myself if i were so bold. but i'm not, and i don't know if it would matter to you anyway.



but if you look for your name in this blog, i think you'll find it. i'm not sure if i've erased it, but i think i didn't. i think you'll find it. and you'll know.



and i hope you'll know, so that you'll also know that someone, some other person outside your permanent circle, cares for you too.

I don't look at you because i don't think i can without showing my true feelings...