new year. new... nothing really. nothing new.



and i'm sleepy and want this day to be over.



but i'm also waiting for you to go online before the clock strikes 12 just to know you're alive and probably enjoying the new year celebrations.



 i miss you so much.

Are you fucking serious i can't even count how many times you were so fuckin near and yet far away. So fuckin close but not reaching.

Jesus fuckin christ

Maybe it just can't happen

Maybe it just won't ever happen

i don't know where you are right now, whether SG or PH. i really miss you though. i hope you guys aren't affected by the recent aircraft mishap, although it's definitely not included in your itinerary.

i miss you so much.

i still have no idea when your flight to SG will be, because... yanno, i'm a loser like that. i was planning to ask you about it if you ever leave office ahead of me, and you did, but i was speechless, as usual.



also, Merry Christmas! i didn't get to greet you back, earlier.



ehm.



shit i'm speechless. haha.



but it's gonna be one long helluva vacation. and i know that i'll miss you.

today is officially the last day i'll be seeing you for this year, i think. unless you still plan to come to office on the 27th hahaha. but i hope not. i hope you get some rest, and be with your family or whoever (if that's how you wish it to be). it's a nice time to bond, on Christmas holidays.



me though... i'm not very sure how the holidays will pass... i don't know what "happy" would mean this time...

i would definitely be happy to hear from you though.

but that's just me. that's just wishful thinking. something i shouldn't expect to happen.

i want to go out with my friends.



i thought it was a go, but good thing i didn't instantly tell them about that possibility, because it got ruined really quickly.



i cried for a while after that.



it's not that my parents don't want me to meet my friends. it's that it's not very convenient for them. which i'm aware of.



i'm such a pathetic person i can't even go anywhere on my own.



and i don't want to burden my parents too much. my dad said we can go, and i can meet my friends, if someone can accompany my mom in the same mall. and she'll most probably enjoy being there with her sister and her sister's daughter/my cousin. but my aunt and my cousin are both sick, and her daughters are going to bring her to the hospital tomorrow, for a checkup. and my mom's just... i'm not sure if she's sick, but she doesn't seem like she wants to go.



i just couldn't push my dad to still drive me to that very-far mall even though it's just gonna be for me. it feels like a very selfish thing to do.



but i still cried. it was... heart ache. a very heavy feeling in my chest.

the sort of feeling you get when your dreams are crushed, your expectations are ruined.

some people are gonna call me selfish because i cried. i mean, i myself feel that way. but it doesn't erase the hurt that i experienced.



i feel like everything in my life can only happen upon other people's approval, or benefit, or use.



i just want to meet my friends after a very long time, for chrissakes.

I MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FLYING TO SINGAPORE AND I FEEL LIKE I WON'T BE SEEING YOU FOR A LIFETIME



jesus fucking christ i'm pathetic.

I can't talk to you... i hope you have a safe trip...

I'll miss you so much.
:'(

work is a tonic for the person whose dreams are not as clear others' are. whose love is not as near as others' are. whose life is covered in smoke and fog and haze and all that is left for them to do is to find their way out and keep themselves alive. there is no light in life if you can't even find a torch to set aflame.

Anniversary.
Why do i even care.
I keep waiting for you but you never come.
I know i shouldn't be expecting too much but it helps make me happy to have something to hope for, only to be disappointed again and again.
Omegle peeps said you're too old. Hahaha.

It's true.

Why do i even care.

There is nothing. Nothing to say. And nothing is a state, a something. It is not decay nor progress. It is, once again, stagnancy...

And i will be a stagnant being incapable of moving... waiting for time to heal me and make me forget... it is the... best emptying to go through... it is not as heartbreaking as other ways... but it will take more time than other ways.

I don't have much time left. If 27 comes... if my death wish happens... it is only a few more months to go.

And as much as i would like you to be someone to me, i still will not be able to make it happen, because i will still choose to be stagnant. Because you do not deserve the burden that is me. Because if you do not feel the same, then it is not worth pursuing...

it's almost a year.

i've been in... in this state... with you... for, 5 days to a year, officially.

and nothing has changed.

why?



i think, or know, that it's been very apparent that... it can't go anywhere... that there's no progress to this.

i have never forgotten... but i've been hopeful that it would change...

on its own, of course. hah.



i do not have the guts to tell you about this... because it would not seem proper...

i mean... 20 years. jesus fucking christ. 20 fucking years gap.

and i don't want to burden you with childish things...

taking me in would be like taking a promo package of the worst things in life.



i wish i could hear your side.



but one action would elicit more actions.



you'll be stained, even just from my words. just words. what more...



i want to stop already but

i dunno...

it's like your presence alone can pull me in wholly.

maybe i'm just curious about you.

maybe if i knew you better, it would satisfy my curiosity.



am i asking for a chance? maybe.

but i also don't want a hanging chance. i don't want a training ring of fire.

i want you to also want me, to be in mutual understanding and level of things.

if you don't (which you probably don't), then never mind. don't even try.



one year.

Avoid me. Avoid me.

I need you but i don't want to pressure you into this or burden you with something you either wouldnt want or find to be unimportant

I know that i should just keep away from you and be happy that i can even talk to you

I guess its just a physical mental natural instinct to long to be adored and cared for by someone you like and to give them back the same good treatment

But i really should be happy with what i have or dont have right now

I wish i had no feelings

Why do we keep meeting glances? It's possible that it is just accidental. I want to think otherwise though.

This girl keeps thinking of you too. I hate that she keeps looking at you.

I'm jealous and I want to put her in her place.

But who am I anyway? I'm a mere worker, little sister at most, to you. Yucky, really. I'm in no place to like you, myself.

Soooo... I'm just gonna try and subdue my feelings. Yeah. It's not gonna get reciprocated anyway.

it will always be you.



though you won't read this, it will always, always be you.



i know that it would seem like it's a very recent thing, but it's been like this for a very long while. not as serious, and not as focused, before, when i was still in my teens, because, you know, teens. but it's been there for a long while. it just got rekindled again.



i'm having mixed feelings of frustration, disappointment, and a slowly but ever lowering self-esteem level... everyday is an alone day. i don't think there's anyone who is really content with being alone. i mean, yeah, we can survive alone, but i don't think it's ever come to a point that's like, "oh, he's very likeable. but i don't need him. i can love myself by myself. who needs a partner?" and currently, i'm in this stage where i wish someone would be there for me. i wish someone would be able to naturally appreciate me. it's a nice feeling to be uplifted by someone else - someone who you know would only ever tell you honest-in-his-opinion things, not someone who uplifts you to get your favor, even though they are not in agreement with what they are saying.



it would feel nice to be normal, in this area of life.

You make me happy... my thoughts of you make me happy...

I wish you felt the same... and let me know or feel it... i wish that you talking to me is a sign of comfort... of trust... maybe further...

Im sorry that i dont talk to you a lot... im sorry that i dont know how to start or continue conversations with people im not comfortable with... i am conscious of your presence... too conscious it renders me speechless... and that we dont have the chance to talk like me and diane has, is not helping... i still have no idea how or who you are...

I wish things were easier... i wish i werent so scared of things... though the ability to read minds would have sufficed just as well lol. But of course thats impossible... i really do wish things were easier to traverse and talk about though... this is worsening my frustrations... :(