ah. i rant about the same things over and over and over. gawd. i imagine people are tired of hearing or reading my rants. sorry. =.=;;;

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i have this funny feeling... i don't know if i'm right, of course. and i wouldn't even dare to ask.
it just... looks like it. sort of.
erm.
yeah.
let's see where this goes. maybe it's even nonexistent. i don't know yet. just my guts telling me something.
maybe i'm just assuming, but i don't know. i don't know.
i have to learn to wait.

this funny feeling... how mutual is this... how accurate am i... how accurate is my intuition...

Guh. I hate when this impulse is trying to overcome me. The brain really is my biggest enemy. I should have more control over my impulses. I hate this weakness.

On the other hand... I feel like I'm changing. And in my own perspective, it's not for the better. It's like I'm becoming more... violent, or vengeful, or angsty. I keep thinking of the more violent ways when trying to solve problems or conflicts.

I'm not like this before. I had always been very calm about stuff before. But now... it feels different. I don't like this but somehow, it is also very addicting. It's like letting go of all stress and problematic thoughts. It's very easy to commit, because it's simply impulsive.

I'm losing myself :(

So many things to say. But i can't think of them all when the space faces me. Hehe.

Ok, here it is. Whatever i can still remember.

Oh, i have thought of writing a blog post for hiddles. Lol wtf. I imagined i made a public letter of sorts in the hopes that it would reach him. Umm... well, i dont have the guts to actually do it anyway haha. Gooshness. But, sometimes i imagine it would be nice to be friends with him maybe. Then again, i don't really know what his personality would be. Oh i'm just dreaming lol. You do have a handsome face though, mr. Hiddleston. Yep you do.

What else...

This courting thing is annoying me lol. I feel like the suitor is being fake to his target. It just isn't natural. I wish they just developed from friends to lovers, no real courting process. I just don't understand it.

Next...

What am i doing with my life. I can't describe the lowness i am currently feeling. It's just so... pathetic. I feel so useless and... so without purpose. Like i was just born to annoy the hell outta people. Sometimes i try to imagine grand situations where they, and i, suddenly find out that, maybe i'm a long lost princess of china, or i'm the next resurrection, or i'm an otherworldly being kept in a human body. Lol so much for aspiring. I really just want to feel important to someone. Anyone. In a real sense.

It's getting rather lonely and depressing to think that time is passing me by, and no one's really seeing me as someone to stay with. It embeds in me the idea that, yes, you are that bad of an option, if you are even an option. Sigh.