It feels as if a lot of women feel for you too.
I also just found out that you're the eldest among your siblings.
Im not sure about what i feel or how i feel for you. But... knowing that youre the eldest makes me look up to you more.
Im guessing that youre stuck in your current situation, and one of the reasons is because youre not sure how to treat your parents, or maybe your life just fully revolves around them. Maybe youve also passed up some opportunities in life because of this.
I dont know how to treat you. I dont know how to assess you beyond that. Youre a very tricky case. And no one seems to dare to ask you what your preferences are. But i think, if youre straight, youll have had a girlfriend, will probably be married now, and your rents will be living with you if theyre agreeable enough, altho i think they wouldnt agree with that arrangement.
I still dont know, or dont want to admit to myself, just what your preferences are. Im still hoping that im not... getting too desperate as to fall for a gay person. Thatd be a slap in my face if i did.
But i also just miss you so much. I cant find any reason to talk with you though. So ill just... keep quiet here... and try to not miss you too much.

Ive been dreaming of you for... i remember 2 nights but i think it's 3...
You're so old fashioned and traditional but... i don't understand why i like you...
Im not sure if im wishing for this to end or wishing for it to bloom... i dont know what to do with you. I just miss you a lot. Or, i just want to see or feel your presence, even from miles away. Just that youre there.
Ah. But this is pointless muttering.

I wonder if they can sense it...

I hope not.

Good thing i diverted that one earlier. Not as convincing though. Lol.

I miss you all the time even though i only know you on the surface.
I'd like to know more about you. I'd like to see if there's anything else to you besides money making.
I don't know what you think about me, or if you even think about me. I'm not sure if i should wish for it either, because it will only be for my self esteem if you do. I don't know if things can progress or not.
I'm just happy knowing you, maybe being friends. Closeness... would be nice if it weren't forced. I'm just not sure about what to do with my feelings. I'm preoccupied as is. I don't think i can fully serve my parents if i started thinking about myself now.
Or maybe that's exactly what i'm doing. I'm not so sure myself.

That... phrase, reaction, comment... keeps on replaying in my mind. Walang silbi. Buti pa ang iba may silbi.
Thanks for making me remember, Padre. There are now several incidences stuck in my mind, all caused by you.
Funny that my feelings about this are mixed though. I'm slightly angry, mostly just down. And umm... i dunno. I'm kind of.... waiting for some sort of affirmation of my true character. Kung wala nga ba akong silbi, o meron naman kahit konti.

I'll just go sleep. Good night all.

2014.

and still empty.

people can probably see that i am not ready for anything.

i dunno. i'm just not motivated for anything. i don't see where passion can get me. and currently, i'm not really enjoying life either.

it's just not much of a cause. we all die anyway.

i'm wanting to perish when i reach my 27th year. and it's coming close. i'll be 26 this may. so that's... 1 year 5months and 27 days more. that's not long. (is that calculation correct? i think so.)

right now i'm just wanting to curl up and cry, and then wishing that someone would appear and hush me to sleep, cradle me in his arms protectively, and just be there. just be there, is all.