When you feel like every action is a mistake. Every word is a mistake. Everything is a mistake. And you somehow cannot find the right ways... the right words... the right actions and reactions... to be proper... properly acknowledged and properly... treated, recognized to be existing... in as simple an action as breathing the same air you are breathing, telling you your mum called... and simply trailing off... because no one has the time to listen and acknowledge your presence...

I'm not asking for a coalition of listeners or a church of my own followers. I'm just asking to be treated as you would treat a friend... not... put off like a used up reminder note...

I'm gonna cry.

Lucky people do not have the time to think a out a lot of things. Their hours are occupied by the love of their lives: family, friends, work, money, fun, learning.
People who have too much time think about too many things. So they try to preoccupy themselves with other things like temporary work and play. But night time is the enemy of thinkers, in the same way that it is their loyal companion. When a person with too much time is not preoccupied with something self induced, he thinks. About a lot of things. Good and bad things. Imagining scenarios and words. Imagining the future and its dreary implications (which if they didn't think about too much, would still come about anyway, but not as harsh as they think it would be).
I imagine a lot. I especially imagine quiet or fun or sweet moments with you. I imagine being "us". How it would be and how nice it would be. But at the same time, my imagination highlights my inability to fully communicate. Even in my head, i still can't carry conversations. I can write long stuff like this blog and my other blogs, but i can't seem to be a good talker. Talking drives me to my panic zone. It enhances my observation skills more, but again, further highlights my lack of talking skills.
I personally have no problems with it. I'm not a talker, and i don't exactly need to talk everyday. But i can feel the burden of it with situations like this, when i want to get to know someone better, or when i suddenly meet a random acquaintance. Awkwardness is never nice unless it's an accepted trait, by someone who knows who and how you are.
For now, i will continue to dream of you, dream of the us that jumped through all the ensuing awkwardness. Dream of how sweet we can be, how supportive of each other, how compatible we are. But i should also keep in mind, that these are all just dreams, even the you in my dream is a dream, nothing more...

Maybe the question isn't whether you can see my value. Maybe the question should be whether i do have value or none...

Reality is harsh, and it's been kicking me to the ground, face in the mud, for a very long while now. No, i don't plan to take revenge. I'll just take the blows and try to learn something from them. It's harsh when you were once considered a bit of a wonder kid, and you now don't seem to feel the same way. You can't deal with the world the same way you did with your studies back then. It's a much more painful feeling of failure compared to failing some quizzes and plates... papers that amount to nothing when you're done studying... unless you actually learned something from it, in which case, that's the only moment they get some value, and off it flies when you're done learning. But life... life is a constant renewal. Life is worse than being in the military. Life is worse than being kicked out of work. Life is 10x each of those things, and then some, because everything has repercussions and followups.

I don't want to fight anymore, but it doesn't mean that i've also gotten numb from the pains and unfairness of life.

"keep quiet... keep quiet... as much as you want to tell him, you hafta keep quiet, because hell will break loose if you don't shut up...



you DO know how scandalous this might look, following the and/or with gossips all around...



there is nothing wrong with him but your connections..."



and as much as i'd like to believe that there is no such thing as luck or fate or stuff like that, well... the world does seem to be conspiring against me.



but i miss him so. i missED him so, and i still do, until now, even when he's already home. i still do.

Ebb and flow.

Total undertainty bordering on impossibility.

I miss you. So. Much. But i'm also so scared to tell you about it because you would most likely laugh it off and tell me i'm too young for your tastes. Or i'm not your preference. Or you just simply don't feel the same way, which, if i look at this from an observer's perspective, or even, if i just want to be really honest with myself, well... it's just the most logical turn of events that i should be expecting.

But i'm... still holding on to my hopes. For some weird, illogical reason. My brain and my heart are fighting off the more realistic ideas of how improbable and illogical and pointless my feelings for you are.

I will not be as forthcoming as that bastard, and i don't plan to be. That was incredibly rude. I... i have so much want to tell you about this and be free from your invisible, unintentional grasp. But doing so seems to entail too much misery that it scares me speechless...

I really. Really. Really miss you though. Very, very much. And i'll be going through a pretty bad case of depression when this ends... in the most realistic way... i don't want that depression anymore, but it's as part of the healing process as much as it acts and uses heartfelt pain as a reminder for future events...

not really sure about what i'm expecting or thinking about... i'm somehow excited and happy that you're coming back, and i'll be seeing you again on monday. slightly expecting an update from you, even if it's not directly addressed to me (i mean, duh. LOL.). just an update.

and maybe by some big ass miracle a huge change happens and you suddenly actually do like me and wish to tell me that you missed me and it'll be the start of further awkward interactions that would actually strengthen us and help our status become close friends or even more than friends in a really comfortable way and then it's us.

sorry i was just rambling.

that's the wish, though.

but, of course, things don't really happen that way. i mean, i'd have been such a lucky bitch if that happened. i'd be the happiest gal in the world. i'd have forgotten everything else. it would be such a great gift, such a big, pleasant surprise, i'd prolly act like the stupid schoolgirl i was back then.

i'm so fucking naive and hopeless. hah. this is why i'm still single. plus other factors that can only have been built up by me.

there are times when you just want someone to be there for you. because you feel like you've been alone for faaaar too long.

i can keep describing this person, the way he is in my dreams, but it all remains the same: that he isn't there.

i don't know if he exists... i mean, of course we all have our own ideals, and i have my own too. but it wasn't called "ideal" for no reason. so, yeah, my expectations are pretty realistic... i think. but... i haven't really interacted with people too much, in the same way others are comfortable doing. i would probably still be surprised with a lot of things happening with other people, even though those things also normally happen to me.

i notice that i only ever - well, not really, but very usually - develop a liking for people i look up to. i've had 2 prof crushes, 1 mysterious guy who rode a motorcycle to and from school, 1 guy older than me (although this one, i think i only developed a crush on him when i found out that he also has a quiet side), 1 guy in elem-HS who was just this "mr. perfect" (handsome, kind, a bit timid, not rowdy, etc etc. very safe). i've had other crushes too, esp. during HS, the very short term ones that my then undecided brain dictated (i'm straight, fyi. it was just that at that time, my crushes were quite random guys. lol.) i noticed that i like guys who act... mature? or more like, like grownups. not necessarily mature, just... there's this certain aura about certain people... mmmm... like how you would sometimes call someone a child even though he is 40yrs old - there's also an opposite to that, and that's usually who i get attracted to.

but the 1 guy that i count to be my first love, is quite far from how i imagine my ideal guy to be. he's a total jock. he's not the cocky sort though, just really sporty, with guy friends from his basketball team. i never really imagined myself liking someone like him, but i did. and it sort of changes things. it opened my mind, that i shouldn't just limit myself to people i find very close to my ideals. because there's no such thing as ideal; there's only whatever's there, and whether you can start to like it, start to learn it, start to adapt to it.

but, ideals... you can't simply push your ideals away. you can't simply put them aside and be like, "oh, whoever comes is good by me." no, that's total bullcrap. i will not let that happen. i still know what i quite want, and i'm not simply gonna change that because "someone came by."

so... how... where is this ideal person i am looking for? how am i supposed to find him?
i've taken to the idea of not actively finding him. i just don't want to.
i'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. no, actually, a total sucker like it.
so i'm just gonna hope that he comes by, or that he is you, because, you know... i really do like you, but i don't know if i should, and i don't know if i know you enough. you quite fit the bill though.

i miss you and your quirks.



but i'm probably just inventing the whole shazam within my brain.

it's just been 2 days for chrissakes. grow up.

toothache. cracked voice. sore throat. not sure if i have fever.



general malaise.



ugh. i want my kid days back. when i could just sleep all day until the ill feelings pass...



it would be nice if someone would take care of me... so i could simply forget my adult status even for a while, and be able to fully rest...



i'm just so tired, sick or not...

1 week. I will not be seeing you for a week.

It'll be one of the longest weeks of my life. Save the deadlines shouting sparta at me. Even now.

And i totally forgot that boss needs the extra xmas thingees. I AM tired. Jesus christ what a failure.

Anyway. Im still happy that some were picked up. Not the trees, but it's still something. And they liked the colors.

More than anything though... im gonna miss you. Do take care, you awkward, cute dork.

I am so fucking hopeless.

I'm only ever waiting for you... ridiculous as it seems...

*sigh* ...

I feel... useless and... hopeless... worthless... i feel that i'm not really needed... that i have nothing to give... i know that... no that's pretentious. I know though that i do deserve some good things, but i don't dare to demand them. I don't want to accidentally push my limits... if it's for me, then it's for me. No one else will take it because it will automatically come to me.

But people don't work that way. I talk of people like they're inanimate lol. But yea, people.. have minds and reasoning ability... there's a variety of responses that you could meet and choose from, from different people in the sane situations.

You are no different. I am afraid to introduce "this" situation to you, for fear that you might flee as response to it...

yung gusto mo lang ng masasandalan saka makakakita at makakaintindi ng kung anong nararamdaman mo ngayon. konting yakap lang, ok na. basta alam mong nandyan sya at pwede kang sumandal sa kanya sa mga panahong mahina ka. yung kahit di ka magsalita e nakikita nyang may pinagdadaanan ka. na naiistress ka. kahit sa maliit na dahilan lang. tapos aakbayan ka nya.

yun lang naman sana. konting ganoon lang. konting malasakit sana. gusto ko lang yun maramdaman.

sana ikaw ang gumawa nun.

sana may makaintindi sa hinahanap ko. sana maintindihan mo. sana nakikita mo kahit halos araw-araw tayong nagkikita pero di kita nakakausap.

gusto ko lang sana na may sumalba sakin. kahit minsan lang. hindi naman palagi. ayoko rin naman kasing maging pabigat kahit kanino. pabigat na nga ako as is, kapal ko naman kung sadyain ko pang dagdagan. pero syempre, lahat ng tao may mga oras na sobrang nanlulumo sila. sobrang lungkot.

siguro sasabihin ng iba na parang, wala yan, mas mabigat dyan yung pinagdadaanan ko. eh, okay, problema mo na yun, problema ko rin to. di ko naman to dadamdamin kung wala lang 'to. mababaw na kung mababaw para sayo, pero ganun talaga. kahit gaano pa kababaw yan, dumadating din yung oras na pag sobrang tagal mo nang dinadala yung... problema? yung sitwasyon? eh... mapapagod ka rin.

sana mabasa mo to para maintindihan mo na kahit mukha akong masaya at tatanga-tanga sa totoong buhay, meron parin akong pakiramdam. mas pinipili ko lang na itago kung ano yung pinoproblema o nararamdaman ko, o yung hinahanap ko, kasi nga ayaw kong maging sagabal at pabigat sayo...

i should start conditioning myself to stop thinking about you...



there's just no way it could happen the way i imagine it would.



there's no other, better love than one that grew mutually. and i have had a glimpse of that love, and nothing else can compare. no other development can compare.



and i feel like i'm the most... off-putting, horrible, unattractive person in the world. although that is quite contrary to the glimpses i get when i'm in public places. i'm not saying that i'm striking or beautiful, just that i do get glimpses, and i guess that's a normal thing. i guess it's a normal thing for all girls, everyone can get glimpses sometimes, for varying reasons. but that it's not you... feels like i do not have enough beauty, wits, character, or... self, to make you see me. make you feel that i'm there.



i try to put up a strong facade when i can. a confident facade. but that's just a facade. i have a longing for acceptance. no, not just acceptance. i have a longing for acceptance and the feeling that i am needed, by someone who has learned to see who i am, as is. this boring, sickly, negative half-girl-half-woman, who has not yet found her proper calling, who feels like a goddamn coward, who is either rebellious or just a brat, and is tired of the everyday control she has to bear... if anyone can learn to accept and love this person, i don't know if i can love them back. i still live in my romantic dreamland, and it isn't even the total fairytale sort, but i do yearn for something like it. i keep wishing that you would help me fulfill that dream, but so far... nothing. and it feels incredibly... pathetic of me, that i still keep yearning for you even though all signs point towards the opposite road...

I wish you were more attractive.

Hahahahha.

Jesus christ that really hit the mark.

i should not believe anything until i see something concrete...



i should not think of something if there is not confirmation...



i should not expect anything unless it is directly being given to me...



all this, i should not wait for, expect, from you.



we are not mutual, as far as events show, as far as treatment seems, as far as things are going. or not going, for that matter.



i should not expect you to care...

Yung gusto mo nalang magtago sa kung saan mang lugar na di ka mahahanap kasi feeling mo sobrang left out at kakaiba at slow ka.

At the same time, naghahanap ka ng makakaintindi sayo.

I really need you now...