i have half the mind to greet you, but i don't want to cling to you too much. it does not look hopeful anyway.



pfah.



11.56.



i wish you would somehow remember me. even a tiny little bit of remembrance. a tiny bit of the monstrosity that exists in me. i wish...

you put so many clues out that if he wanted to, if he was interested, he'd have easily found out long ago.



but it's not the case. so, yeah, your rose-tinted glasses are only gonna make you see blood. nothing nice here, really.

I know you talk about me. It's just very obvious and i've caught you several times. And it's cute that you do. I don't think it's the backstabbing sort either, unless you're so lucky that i've never caught you in those times yet. So thanks, and it's gotten me curious about what you talk about too. And i don't know if that's supposed to be normal. What i mean is, sometimes i wish i just wasn't aware of these things, so that i wouldn't be so goddamned confused, because what you do sends a bunch of mixed signals to me.
I'd... i'd like to verbally call you my Heart, but there's the scare that, maybe i should not. That it's probably much more appropriate, practical and realistic not to. Which it is. Which is why i want to let go of this already. But it's harder than i wish it to be. Everything reminds me of you.
Can i just send my blog links to you? Just to let you know without having to explain things face-to-face. Lol. I'm a coward.

A depressed mess during christmas. Great. Wish you are here. But youre not. And you dont even seem to feel anything. I mean what the hell am i even wishing for. Im not reasonable.

Just about sleeping but brain fighting it and me struggling with both "sides"
Thinking of you
Imagining scenarios where we have gone past our barriers and frolic like kids whenever wherever. The laughs would be endless and for childish reasons
I still remember you acting a dance in the Manila FAME event just to tell about how energized the music is hahaha
I wish i was as not-anxious as you are. I wouldnt exactly say confident as it comes off a little negative and youre still rather humble
I wish... i wish things like this can be easily discussed like just over lunch or just at a time when you crossed each others paths on the way to the other room
Oh, thank you for the gift, as well. I wonder what MFY means but possibly just cash code. (Im gonna go check a human nature store now lolol)
Umm
The problem with a mind like mine is i tend to choose realities that indicate how inferior i am
Like i imagine that the gift set was just a gift to maybe your mom or sister and they didnt like it so off the house it goes and into my hands
Im a useless twat. Useless worthless PITA. When i stop working... people will probably just forget that i exist lol. Which is kinda nice and... no, it's not nice. It never was is or will be nice.
And
You'll be one of the first to not find anything missing or out of the ordinary

Looking at the editor and not knowing what to type lol

I kinda wanna get drunk for the first time and just cry-laugh everything away.

My feelings for you haven't changed, though i'm actively choosing to just push your presence aside, keep my brain focused on other things.

Nights before bed are the bane of my perseverance and intention.

I still think of you. You and that preppy sweater this tuesday. Jiving with the 2nd anniversary of my affections. But it really doesn't mean anything in relation to my thoughts. There's no proof that there's any connection. You're not giving me any proof, and... well. It's not really something i'd presume probable to happen, so unless you move by yourself, there's nothing to wait for...

My brain just isn't taking this very well. At all. And it's taking so much effort to try to push my thoughts aside. And umm... i'm just... i feel neglected, kinda. Yeah. Quite. For a long while now.

It's... heartbreaking, and just depressing, just depressing... to be in a situation like this, where you are suffering physically, and... not to say that no one cares, because a lot actually do, and i appreciate their concern very much... but the one person you're waiting for, the one person you wish would... worry about you, of his own volition, maybe ask how you are, or i dunno, just let specifically you know, that he's there for you... well, he does not care. He does not even... ask about, or feel curious about your situation.

It's... reality slapping you in the face... that whatever you do, if one does not like you, one does not care for you, you can't simply change that. You can't simply wish for that to happen. It highlights just how abhorring you are. Just how unattractive and boring you are. You aren't left on the sidelines for no reason.

I don't know anyone who would even have the patience to stand by me, and i'd feel goddamn lucky if we even get some mutual level of understanding about each other.

Just banish the notion now, dear. It does not help to fantasize about your ideal and place that image onto the apple of your eye... you break your own heart, dear.

But i just want to see someone who'd feel lost without me, because he has learned to give me a place in his heart, and when i'm not there his heart would feel hollow, his instincts would try to find me, and i would answer to that call, because i'm all too familiar with it...

Pag interesado ang tao, o may malasakit, o nag-aalala sa kalagayan mo, di ka nila kayang tiisin... tandaan mo yan palagi.