yung nararamdaman mong nanginginig yung kalamnan mo pero di mo malaman kung iiyak ka o nagha-hypoglycemia o magagalit ka pero alam mong merong problema.



gusto ko nang bumitaw.

everyone's looking for you. you don't need anyone else.

you don't need me.



and here i can feel my heart pounding against my ribcage in protest of that fact.

i really wish this is gone now but, either out of lingering feelings or out of habit, i still think of you and worry about you. still feel concerned about you.



you'll probably get the news that i'm not a believer. i don't know how that would sit with you.

but whatever. it doesn't change anything. doesn't change the fact that i like you. love, even. doesn't change the fact that you can't care less about me, either.

When it feels like... being taken for granted.
Or more like, knowing your existence, but tagging you as... maybe boring, or uninteresting, or unreachable because your worldy knowledge is so friggin bad that you can't... can't catch up with people's thoughts...

Maybe i feel alienated because i alienate myself. By being me. Ehm...

I dunno. Should i start watching popular tv series? Japanese and korean music? Try to be a deep intellectual?

My preferences are not as similar as others' are, but it's not to say that i'm positively unique... i mean, even now, i can't see much of a positive in it.

Makes life so much harder...

my heart just hurts.

I hope you're coping okay... i don't know how you're feeling about this, or how you're taking it all in, i just hope you're fine... that you're not forgetting that life goes on for you, your siblings and your mom... you all seem to be doing alright when we visited. You all seemed lighthearted. I hope it continues. I hope you do not feel depressed or surprised or pressured too much. I hope full acceptance has been achieved, or is, at least, not so far from reach.
Dad was right when he said it's easier when you see the progression, compared to a sudden passing. You're given a chance to be ready for it. But then, you also see the hardship before the passing. I don't know if that helps in the end, i'm just thinking it does because it helps you think that the passing provides comfort for all, especially the person who passed away. I don't know if it feels that way for you, but that's what you told me, so i'm gonna stick to that.
It's sad that i can't let you see this. That i can't let you know. But i hope you know that there are people who love you, besides your family. Not just me either. I know there's a lot of us, in different ways.

if love is such a good thing, why do a lot of bad feelings come with it?

i think it is a very selfish emotion. a direct show of desire for personal gain.

maybe that's why it is also, i think, the biggest sacrifice to make. because if you let it go, if you let him go, you are then telling yourself that you cannot have this person, you cannot have what you want.

and maybe that's also all it is: a want.

if... you want to share yourself to a person, help him or reach out to him, and it is blocked... who do you blame?
maybe the question is, why for are you sharing yourself?
and maybe everything simply ends with, if you do not want to be selfish, do not jail someone into what you call love.

love is selfish.

i don't want to share anymore.

i don't want to be there for you anymore, because i seem to just be hitting a brick wall, there is nothing for me with you.
i'm just tired of waiting, really.

it is finished.
life goes on.

hello again.
i miss you terribly.
i did not see you today. you didn't come to work. probably for your dad.
again.
i'm being selfish, i know.
i also know that what you're doing is the right thing. he needs you most right now.
i also know, most of all, that i am not in any place to demand anything from you.
i don't know if you're home.
actually, i don't know anything about you.
and neither am i in the right place to ask.

i know that we are not exactly... sharing common ground.
i'm pretty sure you have a second life somewhere.
i don't know what it is, or how it works, or how it works for you, but i'm pretty sure it exists.
but if i am to trust my brain, i wonder why you seem to be hiding this second life. hiding ever so skillfully.

but that's all i can do. wonder.
and i don't know when it will ever be enough for me.

i've already said before, before, and before, and so many more befores, that i didn't want this to keep going anymore.



and i've failed all of those befores.

habits are hard to break.



but time and time again i keep getting pushed away. not consciously, most of the time. but feeling like not being part of anything. not being part of anyone.



i know i'm stupid and useless and... just here for decorative effects. maybe not even. maybe just here to fill up some gaps like so. but i try. i try to be what's needed. i try to give what's missing. but i can see the missing and never bring what it is. i can see that something is something but i cannot pinpoint its specifics and bring it to people.



i'm just useless like that, i guess.



nobody needs something like that.



i'm even like that to myself. my memory. hah.



i'm just tired of being... last, or not even, through all my efforts. even after my efforts. all throughout my efforts. so much for effort.