there's a lingering emptiness everyday...

i don't know what i want but i don't want a lot of things.

i only want to be, to do what i love. to find what i love.

it feels like being in a bubble.

where trying to knock on other people's doors only results in rejection.

while other people are forcefully trying to enter that bubble, but they are not welcome.

it's like i know how to be but i don't want to be because of prying, judging eyes.

it's like not finding my home.

it's living in someone else's bubble, and while that is not something i totally hate, it's also something that feels like a burden. and i feel guilty and selfish for feeling this way.

but i'm also so, so tired of living this way.

it also feels too late to change. but i know that one day i will be forced to change, and by then i think i might already be too jaded to happily accept these changes. that's pretty scary.

25minutes to a new year.

Nothing. Just nothing.
I feel like a ghost, and i don't want to keep haunting you if it's not welcome anyway.

:(
I dont feel like greeting anyone. I just want to get away from everyone.
It always feels like.. either the world rejects me or it demands too much, and i can't keep up so i eventually get rejected anyway.

I miss you so much but.. i dunno. Im just stopping now.
I havent yet found anyone who could understand my feelings... usually when anyone has a grasp of it they immediately think that im just being a baby when the solution is supposed to be in front of me.

I just miss you. Thats all.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Morning melancholy. Work is uninspiring and i miss you. Though it seems like someone's already claiming you for themselves.
I don't know what you feel about that. I don't know what you feel at all...

Do people understand it when i want to get out of interactions? That it's because i'm trying to make use of whatever time and energy is left for myself?

There's not a lot left everyday. All my time is devoted to something. Something else.

I'm fucking tired and... i can't wait for a time when i don't have to worry about anything anymore.

We went to a resto today to buy take out food, and the saleslady there is chatty and became mums friend. She asked me how i was and im not sure how to answer. Just ok. May lovelife na raw ba. She asks this all the time. I said none. Mom interjected that i work mon to sat, and sundays for grocery/with fam. She says oh, wala naman palang oras.

And im so thankful that someone sees that. Because even with friends, i feel like they can't. I feel like they think my life is easy and free and im just lazy and selfish. Im not. Im fucking not. And im not, thats why i need this leftover free time to myself. Because i have no other time to spare for anyone else. Im sorry and i hope they understand that. Because im honestly not sure how else to explain this other than sounding like a self important bitch.

I've been feeling... not relaxed, for some weeks now. Err.. is antsy the word? I gotta search.
Wish you were here, and wish you could just hold me steady. A hug would be really great right now. I also just miss you in general. I also wonder how you're doing. You've been quiet for weeks. Hope you and your fam are ok.

I just have to write this because bottling up my feelings makes me feel anxious and antsy...

Everytime she posts any text from you, i feel jealousy, sadness, and being not enough.

Why can't i be as talkative and confident as her?

And so many petty, negative, backwards comments spring up in my head.

Esp because i know that all she sees in you is your looks.

I feel... inadequate. Dad's comment keeps repeating in my head.

"Buti pa (sya) may silbi ano?"

I think i tend to overcompensate now? Neverending duties and favors...

I only ever wonder if you see whatever worth i have... may have... or maybe this is all there is...

I miss you today.

I keep wondering if there will come a time that i will see you again.
I still miss you. Less, i guess. But i still get affected by... yeah.
Right now it honestly just feels like hurt.. like pain. An open wound being aerated.
I miss you but it will just hurt to see you again. I don't mind going through that pain, but i also can't just push that pain aside...

Something's missing...
Where are you...

Im just feeling depressed.

in my head i want to be hit with the severe strain so that i can go now.

in my head i know that it will wreck havoc over the lives of everyone i'm with.

in my head i know that it's not guaranteed i will die, but that exact chance of deaths will apply to all these other lives, and esp that of my parents.

but in my head, i just want to go...
in my head i want to tempt fate and rush towards the so-called risk that i think of as my escape plan...

i just wish it didn't take anyone else, nor anyone else with me...

and for vain reasons i want to see that i have made a mark on people, because for selfish reasons i want my efforts to be validated, for that planted good to mark and spread, IF it is good.

if 1 or 2 people remember me, that would be happiness for me already.

if someone i love, or used to love, cries for me, that would be... something i will cherish, if i can, as long as i can... because then i know i've left a mark. such selfishness. it doesn't mean though that i didn't wish that i hadn't touched his life for him to cry for me now.

but, i'm sure it would be short-lived anyway.

i just wanna go.

I'm sleepy. I was alarmed when i saw Jul 11 and thought it is your birthday today.
No more of you left... but it doesn't make me indifferent. It just makes me sad...

This unspeakable yearning is rather depressing. It can drag every little detail of life down.
I miss you, but... not so much, in that, you don't seem to miss me anyway. Which just tells me that.. my hope is for naught.
But i miss you and your imaginary warmth from an imaginary hug. Something i have not had for years. Something lost to me but i'm still trying to find. I miss your imaginary companionship and our imaginary connection, an imaginary bridge we can both cross. A breaking of chains. A pure and wholesome freedom.
I can only long for it. Reality remains cold and unwelcoming...

I forget how it feels like to be genuinely interested in anything.
It's like... there is a void that is supposed to be filled with happy things, interesting things, things that i want to know more about... but this void is being continuously filled up with other things, these other things that are like strong flowing water from a continuously running faucet, and the void is continuously full and moving, flowing and erupting, not keeping anything, and nothing good is coming in and staying, because it is also being pushed out by the continuous fall and spill of water...

Of course you don't know.
You don't know because i never tell you, and you don't know because you never bothered to know.

The girl is communicating with you because she wants you to communicate back, but you still remain hidden behind a wall. You still choose to hide. And i'm angry at you for being like that. For not saying yes or no. For letting her hang head over heels for you with no clear path in sight. You're a douchebag like that. And i'm angry and sad at you, for you, and for me...

And i wish that you somehow had even a tiny bit of care for people outside your little safe cocoon.. but maybe you do. I'm just not included in that little spot of sunshine from you.

I'm tired. 2 weeks is long. My restlessness isn't turning off...

When im troubled, i don't know who to talk to...

Feeling very alone right now.

My stomach hurts a bit. But it's been all day.




Don't know what else to say. I just want some comfort.

Goodnight, love.
I hope... we meet in different circumstances. Where second-guessing and reluctance have no place. Only honesty and understanding exist.
If i die from this, i only hope for what's best for you. I only hope you're happy.

i'm not ready for this yet
not yet

it feels so lonely having to travel this journey alone, knowing you have someone else offering to be with you.

I hope you're safe.. :(

I dreamed of you last night. I don't know what place it was but it had lots of people - kids? - running around, there were food stalls and houses in a large, open area and lots of people running around everywhere. The mood was kinda festive, i think.
I was sitting in a bed, with metal frames and a thin mattress. Reminds me of the beds in mental institutes, as portrayed in movies. And there was like a toy house, and i think i was playing with an orphan girl. Then she went out for a bit and came back with you. You also sat by the bed, sat at one end, and faced me and we just talked. Kamusta ka na, may hinahabol nga ako ngayon eh, sinabihan ko naman (something, memory blurry), etc.
You were happy, and you had long bangs? Strange, hehe. And i was happy too but i didn't want to... run over someone else's feelings, if you will. So we just casually talk. Just like before. A bit later the scene changes and i don't see you anymore.
I know though that if we ever meet again, it will not be like this. Because i don't know how to deal with the heartbreak of leaving you, of knowing it's not ever the same for you.

Do i have to keep suffering this?

I miss you and i wish i was better at conversations so i can still have a reason to talk to you. And we can talk about her because really all i wanna know is if you know and if you're happy.

I would love to know you more and be with you but as it is we seem to just be two twigs that met at the joining and left at the separating of a long river...

I'm not over you but my feelings have dwindled from love to sadness...

The thought of you sleeping soundly, without a care.. i somehow imagine that it looks so soothing. Like watching a sleeping cat. The serenity would lull me to sleep too.
I'm still sad about what's happening but this makes me smile. "Seeing" you calm, contented and nary a thought. This makes me think that you're happy right now, and that's fine. That's really okay with me.
I'll get on with life somehow. Piling up work distracts me well.

Bakit wala ka nung ako yun..?
Malamang nasa akin parin ang pagkukulang...

Sakit lang sa puso.
Sabagay, di rin naman ako makapagpundar kasi nga, di ko pa pwedeng diktahan yung sarili kong buhay...

Malungkot lang...