heck. is it just me, or am i really incapable of connecting with anyone?

Who Am I?

I'm a rebel at heart.
I am an independent soul looking for the right time to be set free.

Whatever I do, I still remain a chameleon in the midst of a never-ending desert.
I'm your resident ghost.
I live but you'll never hear me breathing.
I work but you only see the results.
And I love, but you only see the friendship.

I'm good at hiding, and I'm good at hiding secrets.
If I'm your friend, then I'm your friend, and all the functional extensions that come with it.

I only speak to those who listen.

I am an antique wardrobe, so sturdy that I can even be your coffin.

I laugh at those who spite me; I think for them.
I cry for those who has no one else to cry for them.
I carry the burden of my world.
I might carry the burden of your world too, that is, if you permit me to.

I am selfish, I will not share the burden of charity.
I am jealous, I envy what envy others can give.

What is mine can be yours at a word.
What is yours will remain yours at my insistence.

My ears can be sponges, but not black holes.

I have the perfect formula for a time machine, but it will not work.
I speak in different tongues, I formulate by solar systems.

Do you understand me? I think not.

i learned that i don't like men younger than me. or at least thinks like a person younger than me.

im always attracted to those like me. the silent-types. (not that i'm silent even with friends, i mean silent with those i'm not close to.)

i've always been soloista. i just realized it now.

i just learned that im a tea drinker. i think i should have been born in england, where there's tea time and not coffee break. sometimes i wonder why everyone here in the philippines goes nuts over new breakthroughs from the USA. maybe we were bred to enjoy life for them who are too busy to appreciate life. i saw this commercial of an ngc program (i think...?) where an actress was asked, "whats the difference bet. new york and [place]", then the actress answers, "in [place, not sure if its new york or the other one], we actually swallow our food." just proves that people nowadays are waaaaaaaaay too busy to notice how good and healthy their food are, or that the moon is full and large tonight, or that somebody left a note on your desk that says "cheer up!", or anything along those lines, etc... it's a shame we don't understand anything else other than study, work, ambition, status, poor, rich, richer, and famous. such a shame.

Man is like a tree.

We become more beautiful through age.

some more spontaneous comvulsions...

i discovered that milo is too dull and watery for my taste.

what the hell?!?

why are there some people who keep pushing their beliefs into your brain forcefully? parang yung pinag-aralan namin sa AdPrac, yung IMC. Yung IMC kasi, yun yung makuliiiiiiiiiiit na uri ng advertising, wherein tatae ka nalang sa CR may makikita ka pang mini-poster sa pintuan kaya habang umiire ka nagbabasa ka rin ng ad nila (kaya palaki nang palaki ang benta ng eyeglasses and contacts eh.)

may iba kasing tao na, yes they don't do it forcefully AND directly, but they do it forcefully in an, ika nga, "nice" way. yung tipong may idadagdag pang, "sana di kita naistorbo sa mga sinabi ko..." or "sana di ka mainis sakin" or "sana di ka naoffend sa sinabi ko." Well, to tell you the truth, naiinis na ako sa IYO (hindi sa mga sinasabi mo), naiistorbohan na ko SAYO (hindi sa mga sinasabi mo) at thank God pero di naman ako naooffend.

kasi naman, kapag sinabi kong IBA TAYO, malinaw na yun, mas malinaw pa dapat sa araw, mas malinaw pa sa hangin sa labas ng mundo natin (hindi ko sasabihing hangin sa maynila kasi malala na polusyon dito), na AYAW KO NANG MAKINIG. PLEASE. kasi naman pinagpipilitan mong sumali ako sa group sessions niyo, sorry pero AYAW KO NGA. bakit ba ang kulit mo?! i have my own reasons for not joining and i don't care kung sa inyo and ibigsabihin nun eh mapupunta na ko sa impyerno! i have my own beliefs na kahit kelan ay hindi ko pinagdildilan sa mukha mo! ok na sana yung nagkekwento ka lang eh, take ko pa, pero ngayon? nako, NANG-AAKIT na tawag dyan eh. tapos me sasabihin ka pang dapat ang point of view eh yung Bible? ang kapal mo nga rin naman na Bible pa gagamitin mong dahilan. hayop ka. sa tingin ko nga kung may isang pari sa inyo na nagplano ng world domination siguro susunduin niyo rin yun lalo na kapag may tinuro sya sa Bible na parang "it is a fight against evil". Diyos ko po.

Honestly, right at this moment, pwedeng-pwede kong piliin maging atheist or polytheist. mas madali pa buhay. pero hindi kasi may paninindigan ako sa relationship namin ni Lord. nag-uusap kami kahit anong oras nang araw. may times na down ako, kausapin ko lang sya ok na kasi sumasagot naman sya sakin. tapos ngayon sisirain mo pa yung routine namin para lang masama ko sa fellowship niyo? sus. di na. mas ok na to. bakit di mo nalang kumbinsihin yung mga muslim at jew dun sa middle east at nang maconvert sila lahat to Christianity? tingnan natin kung sino mas matibay ang paniniwala.

And one more thing...hindi porque majority ang sumasang-ayon sa isang desisyon, yun din ang gusto ni Lord. kaya yung fellowship niyong yan, oo effective yan para sa personal sharing and uplifting and support para di ka tumiwalag sa faith mo, pero hindi necessarily effective yan sa pagdedesisyon at pagiinterpret kung ano ba talaga yung nakasaad sa Bible.

Ako inaamin kong napakarami ko nang Sundays na namiss ang mass. dahil wala ang mass sa lifestyle namin. at inaamin kong matagal na rin akong di nagkakaron ng time for proper prayer. pero sa totoo lang hindi naman prayer and prayer kapag ginagawa mo yun dahil sa utos ng iba. iba pa rin yung kausap mo si God. Sya lang yung makakasabi sayo kung tama o mali yung ginawa mo. Sya yung nagpapaandar ng konsyensya mo.

Ngayon, sa dami ng sinabi ko dito, hindi ko to idudutdot sa muka mo. kasi IBA nga tayo eh. kung gusto mo pakinggan yung side ko, sige ikekwento ko, pero di kita hahatakin na maging parehas tayo. bahala ka kung gusto mo matulad satin. ayoko gumawa ng religion. gusto ko gumawa ng personal relationships. kahit kelan di kita pipilitin maging tulad ko. desisyon mo parin yan.