does it mean anything?
read: what do you do in a hospital when you aren't the one who needs to lie in?
20080130
20080123
mundus incognita
i always feel as if i need to change to be accepted. as if i have to make efforts for people to include me in what they do, or at least to make me their friend.
it's like an innate response to neglect. i don't want to change, i don't want to be what they want me to be, and yet it comes to my head to do so.
i'm trying my hardest to keep from being like that. i don't want people to see me as someones else, then later on put me off just because i'm showing my real side. being accepted NEEDS to be effortless. there is a difference between being a friend and belonging.
what use is it to be branded as a social butterfly when you can't keep the brand anyway? or... not necessarily a social butterfly, even just being branded as belonging to a certain group.
i mean... it's like you're a cow, and you'd have to belong to a certain clan to be "branded" and singed with hot iron. i don't see the benefit at all. what, that you'd be protected from the pack of wolves? no. the farmer gets to keep himself safe while you see your group mates being eaten by the wolves, and wonder when your time to be eaten will come. add to that, you don't really have the feelings of companionship and brotherhood for the group, only for yourself. so.. do you mourn? no you don't. you'll probably only mourn after you've been bitten.
it's like an innate response to neglect. i don't want to change, i don't want to be what they want me to be, and yet it comes to my head to do so.
i'm trying my hardest to keep from being like that. i don't want people to see me as someones else, then later on put me off just because i'm showing my real side. being accepted NEEDS to be effortless. there is a difference between being a friend and belonging.
what use is it to be branded as a social butterfly when you can't keep the brand anyway? or... not necessarily a social butterfly, even just being branded as belonging to a certain group.
i mean... it's like you're a cow, and you'd have to belong to a certain clan to be "branded" and singed with hot iron. i don't see the benefit at all. what, that you'd be protected from the pack of wolves? no. the farmer gets to keep himself safe while you see your group mates being eaten by the wolves, and wonder when your time to be eaten will come. add to that, you don't really have the feelings of companionship and brotherhood for the group, only for yourself. so.. do you mourn? no you don't. you'll probably only mourn after you've been bitten.
20080121
it's been almost a week now. maybe two.
how do you describe feelings? how do you describe the innocent happiness and exultation that one feels after seeing someone who he/she wishes to know more?
what if i was only looking for a brother, but my eyesight is veiled by the idea of love? what if i only deserved a guardian, not a loved one?
it's not actually a question of what if. it's a question of discernment. how can i distinguish between love and the need for a mentor?
i have been acting like a stalker these past few days. i have seen a lot of... activity. he is everywhere. he is a link that binds a group to another group, a sort of bridge that has mediating and equalizing abilities.
how should i resist? it is charm. it is charm that i know has more a chance of downfall than a chance of success.
i am a girl. partly woman. i know how to love. but i still don't know when to stop loving.
how do you describe feelings? how do you describe the innocent happiness and exultation that one feels after seeing someone who he/she wishes to know more?
what if i was only looking for a brother, but my eyesight is veiled by the idea of love? what if i only deserved a guardian, not a loved one?
it's not actually a question of what if. it's a question of discernment. how can i distinguish between love and the need for a mentor?
i have been acting like a stalker these past few days. i have seen a lot of... activity. he is everywhere. he is a link that binds a group to another group, a sort of bridge that has mediating and equalizing abilities.
how should i resist? it is charm. it is charm that i know has more a chance of downfall than a chance of success.
i am a girl. partly woman. i know how to love. but i still don't know when to stop loving.
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