when you talk with your friends, or are part of the group having conversation, and you feel like most of the time, you can't really contribute anything, and neither can you relate with them besides on the shallow, superficial level only.

yes they're my friends, and i'm their friend, in the sense that we could go to each other when the need arises, even suddenly. we could rely on each other. but i really, really feel like i'm the brunt of the pack. the jackass who looks stupid for her actions.

i mostly don't understand how they can keep being friends with someone they're annoyed with. but i also think that the ease with which i break connections comes from the fact that i never really felt close to anyone when i was young... i treasure my friends now, but they're handpicked. some could come as close to me as one of my private circles, and then i let go of them easily because i find them shallow, or boastful, or rude and senseless. but my friends, they can still be friends with these people whose asses i have already kicked. i don't understand how, and i don't understand why. and it makes me feel as if i'm lacking some universal emotion that would enable me to withstand people more.

i just want a simple life. i don't want drama. i don't want to fight irritating people, and i don't want to fight with friends. so i simply classify them into 2: friend or nonexistent. the rest of the world is the 3rd category: those who i haven't met yet and have no judgment of.

i'm guilty of easily judging people. and i am paranoid, soooooo paranoid. i'm pretty much trying to create a cocoon of safety and friendship and comfort, and if i find something that i feel could possibly break this cocoon, or anger me too much to make me break my cocoon, then i will force it away. it's probably not a good combination, but i have survived. thus far.

but i am constantly reminded that there are always several sides to a story. a person has a 360deg profile created by the tons of people that s/he meets. some people, like my friends, can probably view into that 360deg profile, and thus give my irritating people chances to prove themselves worthy. but me? i can't view into that profile, somehow. or, i am able to view it once my actions are done.

i don't know if what i'm doing is right, or just, or... essential, even. i'm not sure. so far, it's been to pretty good effect on me directly, but it also gives a pretty bad effect when i see my friends tolerating these said persons. maybe it's just my view, even, that they're tolerating said persons. maybe they're really friends, and i'm the weird one. i still don't know. i'm still not sure. i'm just tired of trying to put gray shades all over supposedly black and white stuff.