i miss you.



i'm just fighting it back. it takes effort to fight back. it takes effort to look at everything from a different, clearer perspective and find that... well. that it's not going to be how i used to wish for it to be. it's a learning process.

Let go, dear... let go...
You've always known that it will be painful. The longer it lasts, the more painful it ends. So just keep at it, it'll pass sooner than you think. You don't have to, or have any, handle on this anymore, on him anyway.
Just remember when you feel weak, that he'll come by if he wants to. If he wants to...

(But that also hurts, no? Because no one's ever really, perseveringly wanted to...)

Cry, because every single time feels like a rejection.
Cry, because there's nothing good that comes out of a one-sided goodbye.
Because you know that from now on, you decide that he is not worth looking for anymore.
And it's never easy, because even if nothing has ever happened, everything always felt like a hopeful kindle. But now you decide that the firewood is drenched. It is unusable. It is worthless to hope for warmth from.
It's cold again. Like it has always been. The mirage of my desert is gone.

It hurts... my chest feels heavy with gloom... like trying to reach something that will always be so far away...

I don't know what I feel.
I've confessed to a cousin already. I don't know what he thinks about it.
But from my perspective, it seems a pointless road to walk on. I don't think he even cares. Which is... well, to be expected.
I think I'm just being engulfed by this hopeful hopelessness I'm feeling. It's weird being dragged this way and that by my brain. I really want to just flick a switch for this. Stop this stupidity from continuing.