and i went "i'll be" with you. only to learn that you're lying to me.

you're the best darned liar i've ever met, and you're the worst moron too. hope you go to hell. i knew there was something fishy about you, i just don't know when to trust my intuition.

this is the first i've heard. and it's already broken your mirror. so what's next?

i don't know why i'm so angry but i just sooooo want to yell at you right now and tell you BASTARD!

maybe it's because i tried to give my all towards your seemingly save-able situation and towards this seemingly positive-forward friendship. and it all went down the drain. it all went down the drain because YOU, FUCKING BASTARD, ARE A LIAR. you piece of crap. now i know why people treat you like you're such an ass. because YOU ARE.

sorry for judging you because of one mistake, but that mistake was a huge one, and it entails you acting like you're busy and changing ways. but no, you weren't. thank God i'm good at befriending, or else i'd be duped all along.

yeah. it's best we cut off contact. i just wish i would succeed in doing just that.

everyone has their own idea of "maturity".

i suppose the best definition would be: to be able to listen to others and accept them, without having to believe in what they believe.

what else...

too much shielding can cause a gap to close up forever. but it also causes much pain, and whatever is will forever be.

hrmm... what else... gathered thoughts...

how would you react if you learned you were one of God's angels, on the note that there are only a few such angel-humans, and suddenly you're one of them?
(angel-humans: in my vocab, these are angels, with all the power and wisdom of an angel, but in the body of a human being. obvious enough?)

else else... if else...

oh. there are people worse than me. lolz.

next concept... hmm...

there are things that just can't be expressed with words, like the feeling of... well i said they can't be expressed with words. what the hell XD

questions questions.

is it stupidity to offer your life as substitute for another person's? or is it heroism?

USER LOSER

too much favors :/

you have got to have one of the most intriguing, confusing, memorable, crazy, undecipherable, rebellious, irresponsible, ballistic, feeble, regrettable, wasted footprint in my life. and i'm definitely not gonna forget that. ever.

what you're doing, i think you're trying to follow my ways.

i want to be angry at you but i can't, because i know that i'm angry out of my own folly.

i wish memory can be erased in a snap. yeah i know what you're probably thinking. haha. (that's if you ever read this post)

i can wait, if that's what you want and if i see that there's something to wait for. i just wish there was. i tried, but you're very much like a little kid. i wish you'd become more adult with your thinking. or maybe you are, but if you are, then i don't know why you did that mistake.


I DON'T WANT ANYONE CONTROLLING MY LIFE. if that is possible.


please help yourself. i said i'm willing to sacrifice. i always am willing. i'm always wanting to help others before me, because i know i'm not worth even a cent to anyone, and others are priceless as compared to me. so i wish to give myself a bit of worth, even temporarily, even if it makes me seem like i'm leading my life on wrong intentions. as long as it helps, i will help. you can use my life as your cre-.. no. not credit card. you have to pay if it was. you can use my life as your emergency exit, even for one time use, as long as i can prove my worth. no strings attached, no payment needed. free for all.


...i just don't see my life's worth. do you understand?


that's why i keep repeating that as much as possible, i don't want to become a hindrance to your life. i don't like that i'm the cause of your one-track mind. i don't want to make you wear those things that horses wear on their eyes. i will keep pushing you away because i think that's best for you. if you come back with an open mind, done with taking in all the consequences that could happen and the effects of your actions and the people who could get involved, then maybe i will accept you wholeheartedly, because i know that you are fully aware of everything and not just pinpointing your eyes on a section of the whole truth. i'm going to give you the sun, if that's all the light you need to see everything, and take that stupid little flashlight from your hands.


i have got to be the most bullheaded person in the world.

i made a wrong decision. now i'm paying for it. haha. bastard me. so stupid. it was a no brainer situation, and it found the right person to test: someone at its level of intelligence.

GODDAMNITTTT.

*right decision to remove this from FB.

should have done as i did with the other person. now i've affected another. f*ck. i wish i had no feelings.

yeah. i don't have brains. thanks for mentioning that.

had you crying again. caught you unguarded.

does love really exist?

it just came to me that when a person is normal, s/he experiences "love" when s/he feels happy around someone, and would probably like to keep that someone to her/himself to the end of her/his life, because that someone makes her/himself happy. and when that someone is gone, the person is sad.

but there are people who are not normal, and have totally no emotions about anything. they're labeled as having "anxiety". what is this state then? does it also erase love? i suppose it doesn't. and the sufferer would probably still confide his/her experience to someone s/he is close to or comfortable with. and when that someone is gone, s/he will also feel sad.

so is that also called love? how do you quantify love? when does it start and where does it end? how do you choose when there are two people you share this feeling with (doesn't it also end to who has better futures/more possessions?) ?

so, how does love exist? might it just be a sort of comfort zone?

giving it all away?
too scared of the consequences.

helping is a different issue.

not ready yet. and maybe never.

when can someone understand that a person's decision is essential to the person's life? no matter how small it may be, it might still be a crucial turn, one that could help the person jump that big crevice of insecurity, uncertainty or unwanted action.

i'm getting quite tired of having to cut my thoughts in half as to the real intentions of the neon remote control. and i don't want anyone interfering with my life just because they wish to be close. i don't give permission on grounds of who you are, but on how i see you to be.

and it just so happens that my brain can magnify concepts taken from my observation. if the glass points to you, let's see how the dice speaks. so far, it's been pointing at you and the sun's been helping me into toasting you to a char.

i have my own reasons for not wanting to be yours. i cannot put words to them. i rely on my instinct very much (and personal appearance has an effect, sad to say; how worldly of me) and you don't stand out just as much as the others did. but the others failed, or more like i failed on them. i'm as maria clara as women can get, and i'm happy enough to have company and nothing more. i don't know if you will be, but you're definitely not yet the first.

i guess i took a piece of his image with me. and i think it's ok. but the experience has blotted my brain, and nothing can cleanse it.

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

why the hell am i sorry

i feel bad for what i did
i feel like im tricking someone
like im being a con-artist
and trying to be helpful but not in that situation is an insult to injury
am i obliged to be perfect and supportive? because i don't think i can do that for long. i need that myself. can someone be my pillow/diary/handkerchief/lamp post/pet?
i'm being so selfish again T_T

sorry for going with your whims and not being able to support my decision. and sorry for not being honest with you.

i thought it was help. apparently it wasn't.

alam ko na kung ano kelangan mo. kelangan mo ng kausap at taga-payo. siguro kelangan mo rin ng kaibigan na pwedeng pagsabihan ng lahat ng bagay na naiisip mo. kelangan mo ng tao na makikinig at magkekwento. gusto mo may natututunan ka sa taong yun. para kang bata na naghahanap ng magulang. kelangan mo ng guidance, yung taong tutulong sayong tawirin ang buhay at ikukulong ka kung kelangan kang ikulong. gusto mo may taong mag-aalaga sayo o mag-aalala sayo. palakaibigan ka pero pili lang siguro yung napagsasabihan mo talaga ng mga isyu mo sa buhay.

gusto mo din, yung taong yun, tanggap ka kung sino ka. dapat marunong syang mag-isip para sa sarili nya, para sayo, at para sa inyong dalawa. dapat kaya nyang makisabay sayo at meron syang maipiprisintang bagong mundo sayo, kasi naghahanap ka rin ng mga bagong bagay na matututunan. gusto mo yung taong yun bukas ang pag-iisip, iba ang paniniwala at iba ang nalalaman. kaparehas mo pero kakaiba din. di kelangang matalino, basta maalam sa buhay. yung papayag syang utusan mo, pero payag ka ring utusan nya. gusto mo, kung pwede, lahat ng bagay maranasan nyo ng sabay, o kahit hindi sabay, basta maranasan man lang.

gusto mo malalim ang pang-unawa ng taong yun kasi pakiramdam mo mas malalim ang katauhan mo kumpara sa iba. bukas naman ang libro ng buhay mo sa kahit kanino, pero mas may mababasa yung taong yun, dahil pinapabasa mo at dahil marunong syang bumasa. hindi mo kasundo pag hindi marunong sumabay sa alon mo. hindi ka takot na mas magaling sya sayo, bagkus sya ang magiging ambisyon na gugustuhin mong abutin.

ang dapat sayo ay isang taong magsisilbing ilaw sa dilim na nilalakaran mo. o mapa para sa pupuntahan mo. kelangan mo ng direksyon sa buhay. marami kang alam pero di mo magamit kasi takot ka. pag nagkamali, nade-depress. idadaan mo ang mga bagay bagay sa tawanan hanggang sa di mo na kayang kimkimin, saka ka magpaparaya ng lungkot o galit. kaya kelangan mo ng kausap at karamay, para hindi maipon yung sama ng loob.

buhos kung buhos pag nagbibigay ka, pero naghahanap ka rin ng taong ganoon ang trato sayo.

...sino kaya yun...