Parang bigla ka nalang namatay...
I think i'm grieving for you.
Sana lumipas na.
Ang tagal tagal na pero ambigat parin sa puso...

I only ask for a few things for christmas... a source of love - to give and to receive - and... to be remembered? I guess. But it's so hard to get these, no? It's so hard to... wish, to will, to become "someone's" priority, to mean something...
I've never felt so alone. Every christmas it gets worse. Would've been better if im actually alone.

I miss you, but it feels like youve suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth... or maybe i just cant see you through the woods anymore... youve gone off too far now. My heart is broken.

Self, don't be selfish.

I MISS YOU

Sorry kung dinadamdam ko.. malinaw naman sakin na wala akong pwedeng idemand. Kahit sa simula palang ako na nga mismo ang naglatag nun. Pero masakit parin. Kasi... pakiramdam ko napakalaki ng pagkukulang ko "as a person". Di ako marunong makipag-usap, makihalubilo. Di ako marunong pumapel o manimuno, kasi takot akong maka-offend. Takot akong masabihan na epal. User. Feeling close. Nagpupumilit. Nakikita ko yung pagkakaiba namin saka kung pano ka magrespond sa kanya. Pakiramdam ko kulang na kulang ako. Wala akong kabuhay-buhay. Naiinggit ako at nalulungkot ako na di ko yun nagawa, di ko magawa... sana makalimutan nalang kita, yung biglaan, para di ako magselos, di ko masamain yung nakikita ko, saka para maging masaya ako para sa inyo...

Wonder where you are and how you're doing...

Feeling nalilipasan ng oras...
😕🙁😔
💔🖤

I miss you.

Gaze on the emptiness that is making itself more apparent everyday
Let it sink in until you learn to cry for what is lost
But it's never really been lost. It was never even there in the first place.

I wish i can meet someone who only needs to look at me to know and unravel whatever pain it is that im feeling. I don't know why, i know it's there, but i can't fully drag it out and get it over with.
I wish i could do the same for him.

Something missing...

It's 1.50 and i dont wanna sleep because im waiting for something new and different and an indication of life from you some sort of reaction to that but theres none
Theres none
Youre just throwing people away
I hate you for that
I hate you for being so immovable and stagnant and that mask over your beautiful face lessens your radiance and warmth
I dont even care what your reaction will be as long as theres something
But theres none
You look fcking dead

It frustrates me so much
Its like loving stone
Its crying over impossibility and my own idiocy at the same time from the same roots
It seems better to love an imaginary being

I miss you so much it hurts.

You keep getting into my dreams.

Sometimes you pass through my thoughts but it's not like it's the same as before. The pain has been numbed enough. I haveaccepted things, i guess. But still somehow you get into my dreams, and your presence there makes me wish for the past times.

I miss you still, after... 2yrs+. But i'm not sure i want to embarass myself again the way i did before. I appreciate your gentleness and kindness about it, but... i don't think you'd appreciate it, and nor would i, anymore, at the moment...

Just not finding anything new... nothing holds happiness or learning as much as anything did before.
Now im just bored. Busy but stagnant. Fading away and not using that time for something meaningful.
I dont wanna go out with anyone, friends or fam, because im a cynic. It's hard to say the right things or act the right way when you don't know what you need to do those for.
If my parents die, or if 1 of them dies, im gonna feel 3 things: grief, relief, and the graduated feeling of losing half of your life purpose. And eventually the whole of it.
It's the only thing to happen that im waiting for, but at the same time, im definitely not looking forward to it. It makes me anxious, even though it is clear in my head that it's inevitable. I wonder how things will be. I wonder how empty i would become. I wonder what else could push me to go back to "being human".

maybe you know it's a fucked up life if you are at a loss for stories to tell

No one wants to listen anymore.
I can't describe my feelings any better than "actively dying". I'm just so tired. And no one sees why i feel this way. They just think it's an attitude i'm having, a seasonal one. It's not. It's just a volcano bursting from too many instances of sadness and frustration. My life is going nowhere. But maybe i should just stop thinking of... going out of my way to do things for myself. I mean, it's pretty pointless by now. I don't think i have any other future left. And i'm so tired of fighting for things that i want and love and want to develop. Fighting for something that i can call my own.

Really. Why do i even bother.

I have this strange need to... talk? With someone, about something that i can't even clearly describe to myself. I'm not even sure what i would be talking about.
Also, i always sound boastful or a know-it-all when i talk, i find. I wish i could change that, stop myself before i start. I mean, i do think of my words, but... i guess part of that is the impulse to appear cool, or more belonging, or be easier to accept if you sound like you can confidently carry yourself. But that's a problem, because i won't be able to keep it up.
I have been imagining what would happen if i ever meet the former bff. The only thing i want to tell her is that she is wrong, that i never ever used her. I get angry just thinking about it. I know in my heart that i will never do that to anyone, but i feel like nothing i do will ever prove it. I feel like nothing i do will ever prove what i am/may be capable of doing, and what i will never do, even on my life...

Why the heck do i feel skittish
What am i even feeling anxious about
There's always the feeling of unfinished business. It makes me both anxious to finish sonething but also, because there's actually nothing to finish, sad and stagnant that i'm not doing anything.
Also, ffs self don't be so desperate. It's so humiliating and embarassing. You're not missing anything.
Or maybe you are, but what does it matter. You won't be able to act on anything currently anyway.

When did i lose interest in reading books and making art? I can't remember.

Ive been checking my astrology readings just for fun. Maybe it's you who's being pointed at with mentions of a love that cannot be attained, and yet i cling to.
I miss you still, but i'm not hoping for anything still. I do wonder what's happening with your life though.

Looked at my works in dA and they're so... painfully... bad.

i have a feeling of inadequacy about myself, towards things i want. things i'm curious about. or things or people i love. about jobs and skills.

but yet i have this certain level of vanity that won't get out of my head and my personality, no matter how annoyed i am by it.

it's a deadly combination that almost always ends up embarrassing me memorably. it scares me, but yet this stupidity that i carry unwillingly always haunts my every move and thought.

i wish it would just leave me be. i can live with being inadequate, but i hate this vanity.