no. you should apologize. to yourself. in case you're loving the wrong people.

it would do them good. should do them good, if they appreciate it and understand it. but it would never help you. some say you learn something from it. yup, maybe you do. but doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

it always hurts. and you apologize to yourself for that.

You'll be my bittersweet demise...
I feel kinda bad that i still want to trust you... but i still want to trust you.
I'm just not up for a revealing... yet. My feelings are not for everyone's eyes.
When they see, that day will be my judgment day.
I don't know why i'm still so attached to you, all while having these fears.

you know umm...

i don't know how to turn my feelings right now into words.

there's just this really heavy feeling in my chest that... i kind of want to cry, out of frustration for so many things.

it's like... being taken for granted.

putting importance on people is... tiring. it drains me. it's very natural to me but it absolutely drains me. it's hoping for a response, for a... i dunno, anything that can be taken as...

i guess i just really want to make a difference in people's lives. even in small ways. just something that i can see as having influenced them in a good way.

right now i feel useless. (as i do most of the time lol.)

i'm not needed. by anyone.

i'm just a waste of space. i'm like... this huge ague in people's lives that they want to get rid of but somehow forget about, until they see me again.

i just want to disappear. maybe see who will miss me. haha.

i can be really narcissistic sometimes lol.

but really... i feel like surplus junk. i think that if i disappear, some might wonder about my disappearance, but it ultimately wouldn't even scratch the coating on the hood of their lives. like a splatter of bird poop on their windshields. you know it's there, you aren't exactly in a hurry to get rid of it no matter how annoying it is, but when you do get rid of it, thank the gods because there's no more annoyance. that feeling.

eh wala nga raw akong silbi, diba? ano pa nga bang sinasakit ng puso ko, eh andyan na nga, nakalatag na...

had my happiest dream this morning.

frolicking like children.

feeling safe and precious in each other's presence.

laughing. no jokes actually. i don't remember jokes. just laughing, being like children. some tickling, some talking, some time just sitting in the car backseat with his arm draped on my shoulders.

it was sweet and innocent.



maybe that's the best experience i can ever get from this... this hold-up...

I should be happy that i can even talk to you about these things. Enough is enough.

why do i have to be attracted to the wrong guy?



or, is there a wrong guy?



anyway. i just feel... like a total loser. like... i'm not... i'm not worth knowing or... i dunno. encouraging? helping get out of her shell? or even just... talking with??



i do talk with friends, and have some deep conversations with different people. umm... i dunno. what am i missing? how can i be more... interesting, perhaps? less awkward? less... maybe even narcissistic? (because yeah i think i may have a small streak of it. i'm not sure. it's confusing to keep second guessing myself and my intentions. and try to analyze the reasons behind what and who i like, or need.)



i'm just wondering why some people seem to have a good hold of their lives, and others are willing to share with it and share themselves with these people. what do they have that i don't have? or what do i have that they don't have? what makes me so abnormal? why do i feel unneeded?



why is it that... i see him to be an important person, in himself and to me, and he's in troubled times right now, and i think... i think the burden is wearing him out exponentially, physically mentally and emotionally, and i want him to know that i'm just here to listen, or just be here, for him, i do not want for anything else besides being his confidante maybe, i'm not even expecting any more than that because that feels too unrealistic... but i feel like he doesn't need me..?



it's same as during high school when i just wanted to help a fellow diabetic but i feel like i'm being rejected outright..?



what the fuck is wrong with me???

Wish you were here... yeah. I dont know if youll actually *be* here then, but still wish you were here.

ang sakit lang kasi sa puso. literal na masakit lang. parang napaka-abnormal kong tao para matanggap...

it's just devastating...

well, i did ask for it, didn't i?



look him in the eyes, dear. just do it. don't be scared. you're nothing but a speck of dust to the millions of things happening around you. that's both a gift and a curse, but use it your advantage. because you will not get anything if you don't ask for anything.

Who are you?
My biased thoughts are making me grasp at imaginary possibilities.
I keep wishing it's you, but I have no way of proving myself right or wrong...
Eh, patience. Patience is key.