I cannot keep myself calm and unthinking!!!
I'm sleepy, I just want to sleep. I just want to forget you, you secure piece of shit you.
Jesusssss make this stop. I don't want to develop feelings anymore!!!
I just want life to be calm and quiet now. I don't want butterflies anymore. Butterflies that only serve to deepen the depression afterward. I don't want them anymore. I don't want anything to do with love anymore. It always just leaves. It never granted me what, I think, I deserve. And now it's a new guy. It's only ever going to happen again. I mean really, it's most probably just me developing feelings for him, and it probably isn't even mutual.
We talked earlier, he even initiated it. But look at me: an idiot!!! I don't know how to respond, how to keep the conversation going. I don't know how to keep him. How much more am I supposed to even let him know my feelings? There's just waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy too many obstacles... including my nature... T^T

You're a challenge to unravel.

Is it just me dancing to this tune? Or are we doing an invincible, slow tango?

I'm not sure. Sometimes you look like it, sometimes you simply just can't care less. It's probably the latter though.

I'm telling myself to stop anticipating anything or wishing for anything. Because it is very much against the norms and would result in trouble. But hell. I wish there was a stop button to simply push.

You probably look down on me...
You probably think, "oh she's just a kid. Nothing special there."
Or maybe you simply think nothing at all. Because, maybe, "not worth my time."
But, man would i feel fulfilled if you just wondered about me sometimes.
Just sometimes is enough.
But... i dunno, really... it simply might not happen... because it simply isn't in your interests...

Ah. This is a hopeless thing. I hope i can get out soon enough. There seems nothing to wait for anyway.