Heart.

light coffee tonight.



i've been wondering if i'm good at anything. even at being someone's child.



i look at my mom and i feel like i haven't done anything for her.



my mind is kinda... slightly defending itself. lol. i think i've done some stuff. but it never feels enough. or feels like something she'd be proud of. not necessarily to talk about it, just that she would appreciate it. i don't think i've done anything that could garner appreciation.



my mom is rather expressive of her disappointments. my dad isn't.



and i feel that maybe my dad also thinks that i'm useless. he's just not saying it out loud.



i do want a bit of... comforting? maybe someone can tell me otherwise? i don't want anything that sounds like worship or fake, exaggerated support. but it would be nice if someone could, maybe balance it out... tell me if i'm enough, or not, for them... a bit of reassurance, whether i'm on the right track or not...



i'm really pretty lost.



i've also been thinking about when the time comes that i have to do everything by myself. budget everything. pay the bills. get the meds. eat. live. now should actually be the time for all of these, but as it is, i'm not really doing anything...



i saw a post about a certain movie with JGH in it. posted as his words. goes something like, if you love the movie go see it again and watch how selfish JGH's character is, being a lost soul and clinging to the idea of an ideal ZD's character.

i feel like i'm very much guilty of the same sin...

Why do i love you so much when i can't even say that i know you enough and you don't even seem to care? I can't even decipher if we're being friends or just being civil acquaintances... i can't even read you... i'm pretty sure you're hiding something though... but i also don't know if it's a good or bad thing, openminded as i try to be...

So prone to crying today. I can feel it just along the edges of my eyes. Any trigger is gonna make the water fall.

You're a lucky lad...

I have a lot of worries. Esp about the future. Im seeing signs of it. It's causing me distress.

But... well, i dont know if anything will change, but i feel like maybe it would be nice to know that someone thinks of you. Maybe it would push you to do better, or stay strong for a longer time. Simply because you know someones waiting for you.

I'll just go sleep now.

It's always the same message. Again and again.

I usually imagine us being very comfortable with each other. Comfortable as in I don't care if you drool onto my shirt as long as you get some sleep. The comfortable that is not needing words to know how the other feels.

There are never any words in my imaginings.

I wish it was just like that. I wish I could find a way to be as freespirited with you as I am with the lady worker.

Shes real talkative though, sometimes to the point where I wanna be alone. And quite insecure. Rather envious. And... there are times when she cannot stop herself from convincing herself and others about things she wants to happen. And that just feels incredibly narcissistic to me. It's a normal thing to do though, in the perspective of cause and effect.

But you. I don't know your critical points. You intrigue me so much, and you're so secretive that I cannot quite see how you would be around different situations.

It's sad that this is the sort of state that would drive me further into trying to know you.

Sometimes I wish I can be as quick thinking and as extroverted as normal people. I'm a pretty good sponge... and that's all there is to me. And... i would be very happy to just listen to you, if thats the only thing we could ever do together.

I miss you.
Man i'm so cheesy lol. Whatever.
I just miss you.

Proxy?
Time always fits.
I'd love to know if you know.

Clues left behind.
Life slowing down.

Morning first thoughts aren't always reserved for you anymore.

I didn't even know you left early today. (Though I just knew about it because I wanted to see you in your seat, but your desk is already fixed.)

It still hurts to think that things never are the same. Feelings never are the same.
Once you know how it feels, that mutual interest, mutual joy, mutual excitement and adoration... nothing is ever the same. I don't even know if I'll ever find someone again. I'm wishing it will be you, but 2 glasses at a dining table means 2 people eating, and... I feel like my hopes are being slowly ground to pieces haha. Simply because I refuse to believe general opinion until it's proven...

I hope... I want you to know about this. This blog. The feelings i've written here. Your name in this blog. I just want you to know. I want you to know that someone sees you, cares about your wellbeing.

But then again, maybe you have someone to do that for you already. Maybe that's why you don't need, see me anymore...

*sigh*
What would it take to give you a clue? It's all here already. Just look for your name...

Im wishing to be in your thoughts... to be worried about...
Just a bratty thought.

I feel absurdly sick. I hate this inhaled-water feeling. I wanna go to work tomorrow. Maybe then I won't notice that it's going away...