2nd time dreaming of you, in random situations.

is this manic?
i have such strong feelings about not going back to work and cutting ties with everyone. to the point that i kinda wanna cry and plead for it. i don't wanna go back to that soulless routine...

in the 5 days break we had, i've p.much forgotten about all of my work commitments. my brain is just... empty.

i am not looking forward to.. no, i DESPISE that job.

i've been thinking, you have 3 levels of tolerance for jobs: you love it, you can tolerate it, and you hate it. i went in tolerating it, but now i just hate it. i just FUCKING hate it.

ive deactivated my fb so.. i really don't wanna be a contact person anymore. i have yet to follow up on that bullshit lab company tho. im really hoping its them who deposited the amount so i don't have to follow up again on their stupid fucking asses.

from this day... i will do what i can, but i will stay in the background. i don't want to talk with anyone anymore. i ABHOR this job. i JUST FUCKING HATE IT. if it had a physical form i would have already killed it or destroyed it.

i feel like i am being plagued by a million anxieties all at once.

i want to go away. just disappear. and let my thoughts and memories disappear as well starting the time i leave everyone, as there won't be any more chances of them contacting me or me contacting them.

part of me wishes that you will, still, remember me, but that's a wish and nothing more.

i find that i can't wholly relate with anyone. i don't know if it's my character or my life experience. but the older i get, the more i push things and people away, so whatever it is i may still learn, i'm also losing those chances slowly.

i don't want my life to progress any further. life is too uncertain and right now, i feel like i should be ready to some degree. age-ready. but im not.

i want to be able to live like others do. they decide for themselves and for others, without feeling either to be a burden. without feeling either to be a blockage to the other.

the only purpose, and use, that i feel i currently have is to be like an alarm. i call for help, but i can't help. and i'm not independent either.

i just feel so pathetic and overwhelmed right now.

i have been having repeated yearning for my younger days, when we were still living in our old house.

it was not.. not entirely peaceful nor ideal. it's a bit better now compared to before. but before, the worries weren't there. the feeling that... i can't leave cos someone will suffer. im caught between wanting to discover myself, following someone else's wishes, and feeling guilty for thinking these things.

i don't know who to talk to. i don't think people realize the depth of this rabbit hole. i feel like people see me as abnormal, someone with no backbone and no goals, just a parasite unwilling to be an adult.

but, am i not? right now, am i not?