i've been harboring my feelings for you for more than a year now, but i still question why i do...



i don't think i'm mature enough to handle this. not even mature enough to get into a relationship. i feel like... i'm too childish to be in one...? i feel like i still don't know a lot of things to even be thinking of... you. of being with you. and... maybe i'm not "adult" enough just yet...?



i kind of feel that it's a good thing no one has tried courting me yet. i know that i don't exactly want to show interest either, because i'm scared of the notion of being... courted? i mean, i would like it, and i would love to feel that i'm appreciated by someone and someone's interested in who i am, but i'm scared of how formal it could get. meeting the parents, asking for permission to go out, trying to fit someone into your life... it feels tedious, maybe stressful, very obligatory, to be doing these things.



do these things come naturally with the right person?



possibly? maybe? maybe if the couple in the relationship/courtship stage is mature enough, maybe it would be natural to them. and to the spectators. and other people involved. maybe.



i'm still just... cautious about it though. it's a very new experience, if ever, and it involves other people, and involves showing your emotions, being vulnerable to many people, especially to that one person who you wish to be part of your life, but still has the chance to not want/be in your life in the future. it's scary.