floating oblivion - bernice [cat meows] on Plurk: "sometimes i feel like deep inside i'm becoming colder towards everything. like this is just a facade that i have no intention of faking."

yeah. that's how it feels. not all the time of course, but... most of the time. like... like i'm automatically hiding things because i feel they are not suited for sharing to everyone.

i feel like, there are always eyes watching my every move. even my laughs. i think i only forget the eyes when i'm really really angry. but by then i'm mindful of how i'm acting, because i don't want my discipline to break. i don't want to go to that little zone where i KNOW i will destroy things out of anger. literally. i broke my glasses once, and once also almost broke a cloth hanger. i don't have any personality disorders, but i'm really holding back a lot when i'm angry. i think i might destroy doors.

i think that's the result of being... corked up all my life. the result of being what someone else wants me to be, and me following those orders. i can say that i don't have any direction right now other than to be a-a "therapy dog". you know, help the elderly/disabled do chores, do what needs to be done, nothing else besides that. and i think it's because i didn't grow up exposed to stuff like that. seriously, my parents never gave me weekly allowances, only gave me like P300 and then until it disappeared i'm not going to get more. i have no idea how to "use" money, to "save" money, money limits and stuff. i don't know how to commute other than by taxi or maybe 1-ride jeepney stops. i taught myself to talk with waiters because if i didn't, i'd have sweated dead ordering ice cream.

you see how stupid that is?

and now that i'm trying to learn what i can, the eyes suddenly produce mouths and the mouths keep commenting about what i do. it's like everything i do is going to undergo evaluation, because the eyes don't trust me enough that i will do well in whatever i'm doing.

i'm tired.

i'm happy when i'm talking with friends, sharing stuff with them, making them laugh, making them snort, doing stuff with them, debating with them, sharing opinions, sharing feelings, having good laughs, learning about each other's stupidities, etc etc etc. it's so lovely when it's like that. it's so... unreserved. so calm and relaxed. it's so natural. no pretenses required, intended or unintended.

i wish everything went like that for me. maybe, in a way, i'm also paranoid. but it has a cause. :(

i don't know what exactly pushed me to return to my treadmill. but i'm quite bent on doing this everyday.

maybe changes are coming. i really hope so.