i REALLY, REALLY should just let you go.



there's just nothing. nothing. at all. no... no how are yous, no concern, no... i'm not exactly sure what i'm expecting but i mean... if there was something, i think i should be able to feel it, see it happening, some sort of effort... some kind of... push, nudge, towards that direction. but there's absolutely nothing.



i've been single my whole life. there were some long spans of time when i wasn't inspired by anyone. this should be easy... right? this should be let-go-able. this should not be haunting me so much. i should not be feeling so much disappointment over this, when there was nothing to begin with. i guess i just wanted to expect something. i just wanted some kind of... reaction, or correct prediction, or an answered wish, where i didn't have to disrupt the flow of... destiny, or whatever you call it. fate. some written down course of actions. where i didn't have to consciously preempt something, but it would be destined for me, and i would love it so much, and it would be life's most wonderful gift and i will cherish it until my life ends.



i'm disappointed, and down, that you do not even care a tiny bit... you do not even ask, you're not even curious for chrissakes...



but... it simply justifies the more realistic idea that i don't mean anything to you, right? it doesn't affect me if our other workers don't care, don't ask, because they don't mean anything personal to me. you, on the other hand, you hit hardest, because you mean so much to me, you dumb piece of shit. dumb and numb piece of shit. i keep waiting for anything from you. even the slightest changes. but there's just nothing. it hits me hardest that it's you, and it's you who doesn't care, who thinks nothing of me. this person, who means the world to me, does not think the same way of me.



i've never been good at this... i've never been good at choosing the right people. maybe it just fits me best to be alone. i dunno.

maybe other people fit in better with other people. not with me. not ever with me.

why is mutual such a hard concept to obtain...

you make me cry because you do not do anything...