Sleep

Good night, love. I hope we'll see each other in our dreams. Good dreams.

so uhh...



it kinda looks like we've both built walls around ourselves.



we're both just knocking on shells, it looks.



or maybe just me, only me who's knocking.



you've prolly no idea but you've been fitting into my thoughts really well. i mean, even my slice-of-life dreams include you. kinda worrisome, kinda mind-boggling, kinda happy. but also heartbreaking, because it looks like it'll just be in my dreams. at least for now. if things don't change.



kinda hoping they change, in a good way. but i'm also not sure if this is something i'm willing to risk.



i mean, i wish it would be an easy transition, a natural one, not the sort where i'd (we'll) suddenly feel the pressures of friendship, relationship, reliance etc. emphasis on pressure.



i'm thinking this way even though i don't even know if i'll be welcome to you haha. i'm leaping great distances. i might need to run back lots more.



i don't want to think about you anymore. that same not-want as i knew i'd keep feeling as long as i feel for you.



i wish i could just flick a switch and everything would be back to normal. acquaintances as acquaintances.



no, really, 3+ years and still acquaintances, it feels.



pfah. too much hope. it's already starting to cost me my happiness. kinda like a huge investment. it returns, but does not return in 150%. only like 10-20%. then takes everything back.

Thoughts and unspeakable words...

Do you really not see me?
Do you really not notice anything?

Sorry. I know it's just personal preference and shit like that... i mean i know im not really part of... that area of your life... if you dont talk about it then it most probably isnt my business...

Its just somehow overlapping with my hatred for myself... for being not enough for anything...

I get so conscious when youre around that i tend to lose all my ideas...

Im just not natural like this... on this...

I wish that i could actually see some sort of... stimuli, reassurance from you. But thats a wish for one of the extremes isnt it? I mean maybe this is better, this friendship, acquaintance is better, than nothing at all...

But im still curious about you. Im still... wondering about how your mind works. How you think and feel. What matters most to you. Maybe your sources of joy. A lot of missing becauses to a lot of my whys. I just want to know you more, be able to appreciate you more, know how your mind works.

But this isnt exactly easily accessible to me... and im making chances smaller by being so awkward... im sorry...

I want to tell you all of this but i cant...

...

just after i rant about my anger and frustration towards god, you wear a friggin' cross necklace.

i honestly didn't notice it personally. the madam did, and told me about it. how it was so small and thin, and it looked girly, and you looked like a girl with it.

but i don't care what kind of cross you're wearing. i just know that you're wearing one. and right now, it feels like a statement of total rejection towards me.

i'm probably being too emotional about this, and being too affected over something that isn't even confirmed to be done for me, or in retaliation of my beliefs. but the timing is unbelievably uncanny, and... i would've wanted a little understanding, more than anything... i would've wanted a little support. from anyone, even.

not an ounce of it. or, not in real life, that is.

i think my intuition was right when i felt that i wanted to know ahia david more. i was attracted to him like i would be to a mentor.

he is, so far, one of the gentlest souls, both in the family and among all, that i've ever met. and i'm thankful for him being there. i will never stop wishing him happiness.

Talking talents that do not exist

It's frustrating how i can't talk to you beyond work...

I miss you so much even though we see each other every workday. It's like you're there but you're just a walking talking hologram...

I missed you. I miss you. I will always miss you. And that smell hahaha. It's stuck with you. I think I'll always identify you with that smell. Like i did before with my first love and his particular smell.

I wish that electric zap way back would happen again. That was definitely different.

Why do i act/think like i'm so sure of you? I'm so friggin screwed orz

Pokerface

Always hanging...

Doesn't help that we have such same personalities.

I hope a day comes when i could just hug you tightly and you will understand completely. And i hope it can be reciprocated.

It's just so awkward right now, with nothing to build on...