It feels like the people around me are just tolerating me.

Im not questioning their intent or their willingness to be there. I know most of them have pure intention and actually will help if i need them. And im very grateful for that. I hope i can be that to them too.

But i think maybe, they would switch rooms if i was with them and the option is there.

I feel embarrassed about myself because i feel like... it is a form of flattery when i get attention. And/but, i don't want to chase it. That would be even more embarrassing. Also, attention shouldn't be a big thing. The big thing should be, being an able contributor. If attention comes from that, thats nice. If not, then theres just none of it.

But ultimately, i am neither here nor there. So...

It feels like waiting for something that will never come. And doubting if i can handle it, maybe even running away, if it did. It's so stupid.

It just feels frustrating. Feels like being trapped in an endless loop. My brain is thinking "it will end eventually." But everyday, esp going to work, i want to cry. "Here we go again... when will this end..."

I just dreamed of myself assuming my mother is dead, but thankfully the other people in my dream found that ridiculous and pointed me to where she was, very much alive.

Trying to look at my future and i see nothing.

I don't see the point in doing all of this. In doing anything at all. I enjoy my games but it's also very clear to me that these are temporary, fantastical achievements, nothing more.

I feel like, if the gods are truly alive and they wove my fate, that they're somehow toying with me, giving me wants that i can't have. Making me yearn for a different life.

I wonder how i would be if i was born into a different situation. But i think if i was born with the same character i have now, things will still be the same.

I dunno. I think other people would for sure benefit more, and give back more, from the oxygen and comfort im consuming.

i just bought 5 big packs of junk chips yesterday. don't remember that ever happening before. ate 1 yesterday then 1 today.

it's now 12.30am monday and im... i just don't want to go to work tomorrow/later.

and i don't want this kind of life anymore, where it's like... im just waiting on people, work or not. constantly worried about possibilities and why isnt mudra's cough going away (it's improving but feels too slow), pudra's memory clearly showing signs of deterioration every so often, both of them seemingly not aware, or in denial, of things they can't and should do/eat, me constantly running after them like a mother running after their toddler cos hes about to jump into rapid traffic or the train tracks and theres an incoming train.. pick them up, put them far from those places, and they just run back if you so much as blink...

it makes me physically sad. it makes me... my mind imagines my weight getting extremely heavy so that all i can physically do is slump and overflow thru my chair, too heavy and clumsy to push to the office, or do anything for that matter.

and then i think of the why and it all goes down to death. the ultimate ending. the forced goal. the one state we cant run from anyway so why bother. everything feels so superficial and "whats the point".

dot dot dot.

i wish to forget disconnect disappear.

i wish to be rid of these thoughts.

i wish to be rid of an imagination that only pushes me further into disillusion.

I wonder how you're doing...

i haven't written in a very long time.

but yeah, i'm so tired. soooooo so so fucking tired. and i'm pretty sure this is only the starting stage.

I think i need a warm hug. A hug where i could just fully deflate for a few minutes.

I dont know why u appeared in my dream today. Let me remember:
Formal looking resto with high ceilings and all, situated in its own building, that stands with other shop and resto buildings, in what looks like an outdoor walking mall (think tagaytay seda park).
We were eating at said resto with other mutual relatives - who, i didnt see. You came with your boyfriend AND your ex bf for some reason. But your current bf is sitting far away, at a sofa at the edge of the room, and eating his food there on his own table. While your ex is sitting beside me; i was sitting between u and him. Ex bf seems shy, and acts like someone in an unfamiliar crowd - quiet, looking around, doesnt speak but is trying to fit in. I assist him sometimes. Sometimes u also do but u have to stand up to get to him, so not very practical.
At some point mum (shes one of the guests) says shes going outside for a while. She does, we continue chatting a bit and having bites of food. Then a bit later it starts to rain. You look towards the glass windows and stand up, get your umbrella and start walking to my mum. I somehow forgot that mum was outside so when i saw you stand up, it didnt immediately sink in that youre going to my mum to help her.
Then i wake up.
Very random. The last part made me feel like a failure of a daughter. And the abrupt end made me feel sad.

Mama im so tired... di ko alam kung andito ka pa ba talaga..

I just feel empty.
I do things and play games to temporarily not feel empty.
Once i stop, the moment i stop, the emptiness comes flooding back.
Life is apparently full of things to learn and enjoy.
I see these, but i don't, can't find the interest to indulge in them. I can't even enjoy drawing anymore.
I wonder if this can still change. But at the moment, i don't see how it could. You could bring me to different activities and i could enjoy it temporarily, but i detach afterward. I guess i just don't want to stick to something that i know i can't maintain. And the older i get, the more that kind of possibility feels to be fleeting away.