saw you in a complete suit. baka ikakasal na kayo?

haha.

I dreamed of you last night. And as usual, you're always out of reach. Always something blocking you from view. Always something taking my attention. And when i try to go back, you're gone. Or you're there, but i'm always third party, just the faraway observer trying to blend in with everyone else so i can stay and at the very least, i know that im in the same room as you.

Thurd party. Funny typo.

Anyway. Such is life, i guess. If the stars don't say, it's not gonna happen, not even if you tried.

Maybe i should just stop worrying about what will be left and just do it. They'll find a way to fix those things anyway, and really i can't be buggered to do it anymore then.

Pagod na pagod na ko...

I keep thinking of you. But it feels wrong of me.
I'm building a version of you in my head, one who is receptive and mutual. One who cares about me. But these are unrealistic expectations and i shouldn't be setting these as your standard. I'll only be disappointed and it's not even your fault that i am.
My friend said that me still feeling this way is just digging a deep hole in my heart. I think he's right. But i don't know how to fill it up.
I still miss you, or the image of you in my head. But i hope that, at some near point, i will learn to stop hurting myself with an image of you that you can't, or won't, be able to match.

I wonder what i have.. i feel like my heart might be doing poorly. My ankles swell quite often. And this headache, and body pain, both going on for days now.
Ive been thinking, so many good people passing away recently...
Why not just me? Not like ive any use anyway. Wouldnt be a good idea to let useless people live. We'll just be wasting resources.
Then again maybe i did something unforgivable in my past life so im suffering for it now.
Lol. Ewan. Pagod na po ako. Sana kahit man lang guminhawa naman ang pakiramdam. Gusto ko na talagang tumigil nalang...

killing myself deliciously, i guess

2nd time dreaming of you, in random situations.

is this manic?
i have such strong feelings about not going back to work and cutting ties with everyone. to the point that i kinda wanna cry and plead for it. i don't wanna go back to that soulless routine...

in the 5 days break we had, i've p.much forgotten about all of my work commitments. my brain is just... empty.

i am not looking forward to.. no, i DESPISE that job.

i've been thinking, you have 3 levels of tolerance for jobs: you love it, you can tolerate it, and you hate it. i went in tolerating it, but now i just hate it. i just FUCKING hate it.

ive deactivated my fb so.. i really don't wanna be a contact person anymore. i have yet to follow up on that bullshit lab company tho. im really hoping its them who deposited the amount so i don't have to follow up again on their stupid fucking asses.

from this day... i will do what i can, but i will stay in the background. i don't want to talk with anyone anymore. i ABHOR this job. i JUST FUCKING HATE IT. if it had a physical form i would have already killed it or destroyed it.

i feel like i am being plagued by a million anxieties all at once.

i want to go away. just disappear. and let my thoughts and memories disappear as well starting the time i leave everyone, as there won't be any more chances of them contacting me or me contacting them.

part of me wishes that you will, still, remember me, but that's a wish and nothing more.

i find that i can't wholly relate with anyone. i don't know if it's my character or my life experience. but the older i get, the more i push things and people away, so whatever it is i may still learn, i'm also losing those chances slowly.

i don't want my life to progress any further. life is too uncertain and right now, i feel like i should be ready to some degree. age-ready. but im not.

i want to be able to live like others do. they decide for themselves and for others, without feeling either to be a burden. without feeling either to be a blockage to the other.

the only purpose, and use, that i feel i currently have is to be like an alarm. i call for help, but i can't help. and i'm not independent either.

i just feel so pathetic and overwhelmed right now.

i have been having repeated yearning for my younger days, when we were still living in our old house.

it was not.. not entirely peaceful nor ideal. it's a bit better now compared to before. but before, the worries weren't there. the feeling that... i can't leave cos someone will suffer. im caught between wanting to discover myself, following someone else's wishes, and feeling guilty for thinking these things.

i don't know who to talk to. i don't think people realize the depth of this rabbit hole. i feel like people see me as abnormal, someone with no backbone and no goals, just a parasite unwilling to be an adult.

but, am i not? right now, am i not?