Naghahanap ako ng lumpiang hubad chinese style.

Gusto ko sana magluto pero tinatamad ako kc baka ako lang nanaman ang kakain.

Days when my emotion meter, tank? Feels overflowing, and i dont want to deal with anything or anyone.

I also feel like something bad is about to happen again. Like pudra is about to be sick again. Jesus fucking christ just fuck off with the events already. Im so tired of always keeping watch.

Brain just keeps saying, whining, "i wanna go home."

Everyday i feel homesick and i don't even know where home is.

It feels like the people around me are just tolerating me.

Im not questioning their intent or their willingness to be there. I know most of them have pure intention and actually will help if i need them. And im very grateful for that. I hope i can be that to them too.

But i think maybe, they would switch rooms if i was with them and the option is there.

I feel embarrassed about myself because i feel like... it is a form of flattery when i get attention. And/but, i don't want to chase it. That would be even more embarrassing. Also, attention shouldn't be a big thing. The big thing should be, being an able contributor. If attention comes from that, thats nice. If not, then theres just none of it.

But ultimately, i am neither here nor there. So...

It feels like waiting for something that will never come. And doubting if i can handle it, maybe even running away, if it did. It's so stupid.

It just feels frustrating. Feels like being trapped in an endless loop. My brain is thinking "it will end eventually." But everyday, esp going to work, i want to cry. "Here we go again... when will this end..."

I just dreamed of myself assuming my mother is dead, but thankfully the other people in my dream found that ridiculous and pointed me to where she was, very much alive.

Trying to look at my future and i see nothing.

I don't see the point in doing all of this. In doing anything at all. I enjoy my games but it's also very clear to me that these are temporary, fantastical achievements, nothing more.

I feel like, if the gods are truly alive and they wove my fate, that they're somehow toying with me, giving me wants that i can't have. Making me yearn for a different life.

I wonder how i would be if i was born into a different situation. But i think if i was born with the same character i have now, things will still be the same.

I dunno. I think other people would for sure benefit more, and give back more, from the oxygen and comfort im consuming.

i just bought 5 big packs of junk chips yesterday. don't remember that ever happening before. ate 1 yesterday then 1 today.

it's now 12.30am monday and im... i just don't want to go to work tomorrow/later.

and i don't want this kind of life anymore, where it's like... im just waiting on people, work or not. constantly worried about possibilities and why isnt mudra's cough going away (it's improving but feels too slow), pudra's memory clearly showing signs of deterioration every so often, both of them seemingly not aware, or in denial, of things they can't and should do/eat, me constantly running after them like a mother running after their toddler cos hes about to jump into rapid traffic or the train tracks and theres an incoming train.. pick them up, put them far from those places, and they just run back if you so much as blink...

it makes me physically sad. it makes me... my mind imagines my weight getting extremely heavy so that all i can physically do is slump and overflow thru my chair, too heavy and clumsy to push to the office, or do anything for that matter.

and then i think of the why and it all goes down to death. the ultimate ending. the forced goal. the one state we cant run from anyway so why bother. everything feels so superficial and "whats the point".

dot dot dot.

i wish to forget disconnect disappear.

i wish to be rid of these thoughts.

i wish to be rid of an imagination that only pushes me further into disillusion.

I wonder how you're doing...

i haven't written in a very long time.

but yeah, i'm so tired. soooooo so so fucking tired. and i'm pretty sure this is only the starting stage.

I think i need a warm hug. A hug where i could just fully deflate for a few minutes.