i am a fragile flower (of no beauty whatsoever, or maybe a bit, if you would be generous) who is looking for someone to take care of me. fully and completely.

i cannot supply you anything much, because i'm a weak little plant, simply spreading my roots day by day, millimeter by millimeter. maybe a bit of entertainment, but you will probably be bored anyway.

no, i do not aspire anymore. i have no dreams. seriously. i feel like i simply exist to do things that should be done by someone, anyone, who would exist to do them, and i was put in this position to do these things. to provide a little, fleeting entertainment, not really to be gazed upon and written poetry about; just a little flower among tons of other, more attention-grabbing, more exuberant flowers.

i cannot really promise you anything. if you ever learn to love me, then i might just give you sorrow when i leave. i don't... i'm not even sure if i would ever mean anything to you. maybe i'm just that little pest plant that happens to bloom a lot of useless flowers, filling up some space here and there. but i don't really feel any sort of importance. i don't really feel any kind of appreciation. because i'm not a plant sold in malls by hundreds of dollars, given to loved ones, or planted in assigned flower pots, to be taken care of daily. i may or may not get some sun, but it doesn't really matter whether i do or don't, does it? you'll figure i just exist like that.

i don't really know what to do anymore.

plants take care of themselves. not all plants get human or greenhouse care. most just thrive by themselves, all the while trampling over and covering the source of sunlight for other plants.

i don't want to be like that. i don't want to have to trample over other people just to get my share of the spotlight. they don't deserve that treatment, and neither do i have the right to do that.

should i evolve? into a new plant? a new person?

i feel like i'm nearing the end of my rope.

i don't know. just... i don't really see any kind of hope anywhere. i can't really see any sort of positive outlook to change into. and i'm just tired.

i think i'm just making things look special and complicated by trying to believe that i am intelligent, kind, loyal, stable, etc. i might not be any of that. i'm seeing a lot of signs lately showing that i'm not like that at all. it kinda hurts, things being slapped in your face that way, and it's hard to digest when in your younger years you were treated with grace and such for being an achiever who has no other life but school subjects.

i don't want that anymore. i'd like to forget my self image, and create a new one that is more accurate and less disappointing.