There is no life to my existence.

I've been a diabetic for... going 19 years. Type 1.
It did not much matter to me before when my results were erratic. And they just continued to be erratic even to the present.
A DM sufferer is supposed to practice life as one huge daily routine. To be honest, I can't live with that. I just can't. I. Fucking. Can't.
I was born a rebel, though not a boisterous one. I've been fighting rules since I was a kid. There are things that just don't make sense to me, in that i do not find them practical, enjoyable or efficient, or all three. Right now, I still keep fighting the idea of a rather boring life for a DM sufferer. I love the idea of spontaneity.
I wish DM was something that I can keep in control through simple means. Maybe just taking a pill every meal time. And then you can go hiking or camping alone or walking somewhere far or... just something that isn't limiting.
I was told that I needed a regular activity.
I don't have the motivation to do it. My mind just rebels against it. I don't want it.
And I'm tired of the thought of it. Of the thought of doing an activity, daily injections, daily blood tests, daily food control... daily control everything... i don't want it anymore...
If anyone feels good about their diabetes, if anyone feels free with it, or feels that they have finally attained freedom from it... well, no, you haven't. No one ever has... this is a slow, painful, frustrating death...