with all the things i'm connecting to him, all the same names i am seeing everywhere, all the wonderings i do about him... i wonder if he thinks the same of me?



but that's the point of... love or sacrifice... it can turn either which way... right?



you give your all, not necessarily physically, not even verbally, not even directly or noticeably... but s/he peppers your world in different ways... and all that peppering, in the end, possibly turning to nothing... that's just how it is.



i miss him very much, and i wonder if he thinks the same, but that's all i can ever do. wonder.

I have this constant feeling of being not up to par with anyone's standards. Like i'm never enough for anyone. And, of course the feeling gets magnified with unrequited love, but i'm not really doing anything to progress with it, so it logically shouldn't even count in the magnification. But it does.
Erm.
I'd want someone to notice my worth and be like, "you're a precious penny of the world and you match my pocket exactly." Lol. Which is also why i want for a guy who could be a real, close friend. Which is... honestly hard to find lol.
It's only happened once, and he - rightly so, for reasons - went away, and i decided to just stop wishing for it to recur or maybe take a turn and continue.
And he's now happy with his current love. I think they match really well too. And they both seem mature about their relationship. I don't really try to seek deeper details, whether they're as happy as they look, which they seem to be, because i'm just done with him and it's not really my place to do so.
I just remembered him because he's one of the better memories i had during HS. It was a mutual understanding, literally. A calm contentment.
Mmm.
I'm currently, as can be seen in my blog posts starting 2 years ago, rather infatuated with a guy. He's... pretty much perfect but for some quite obvious things. One of which is that he doesn't seem interested? Lol. Also that, i can't identify his personality and preferences very much, which would be part of his introversion i guess. I'm... wanting to know him more, but only quietly, because i'm absolutely verbally stupid. Which is probably one of the things he would most likely find attractive. I mean, the being verbally smart sort, which i'm not.
I could... list other things here that he probably does not appreciate. Emm... i've really nothing to offer to him. I'm just like... weed, in a flower garden.
It makes things... achey? Heavy? ... dull? Like being isolated in a glass bubble... depressive, is the word, i guess, when you subtly find disapprovals of different sorts all around you. And the things and people you give worth to... when they do not reciprocate the level of worth you give them, it deals much worse damage, because it's as a statement saying "whatever you do, you're never gonna be good enough."

I want to be better than these standards, in a way that makes me unquantifiable by those standards. But it doesn't mean that i want everyone to fall on their knees for me. I just want someone, who knows what he's looking at, to understand and try to unravel me, in a way that is not oppressive or obsessive, in a manner where we both get to know each other, and either possibly grow with it, or remain the best of partners.

And umm... i'm probably asking for too much. Too much compared to my worth. Yep.

I want to send you a message, something along the lines of: i saw your post, i dunno if it has anything to do with what's happening to your dad right now, but if it does, i'm just here, in case there's no one else left to listen to you. I'll just be here. Even just for verbal/written stress relief.

But something in my head is ringing a lot of alarm bells, telling me not to do it, not to send the message, because you're not someone he would be comfortable talking with, and it would only end up looking so desperate.

So i'm not sending the message. I'm just putting it here. If you ever read this, you know what to do. If you don't, well, the post stays, as a reminder of what kind of person i am at this moment.

You look disheveled.
It's one of the few times i'd say you actually look tired and old.
Dunno if it's just because it's monday though lol.
But i missed you very much, and i'm happy that you yourself are surviving. But i heard you talking earlier, i think it was about your dad's... medicine? And i understand the worry that goes with it.
I hope you're okay, and you don't forget to take care of yourself too.
It's sad that i can't express this to you vis-a-vis, but this is all i can do right now.

I suppose it's wrong to say i miss you...

Stop. Thinking.
Stop. Being. Concerned.
Stop. Assuming.
Stop. Seeing. Things. Out of. Perspective.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
You have to get back on track. Have to.
So stop.
Stop and turn back.
Turn back whi- while it's still early.
It's gonna get much more painful the longer it takes for you to turn back.

i miss you so much. I hope youre not falling apart, like i probably would if i were in your situation. I hope youre still strong. I hope you could know that im just here for you, and even though i do not ask, even though i do not directly go to you to comfort you maybe, i hope you would know that you can always talk to me if youre tired and just want to let the stress out. If youre frustrated. If youre worried. Im just here for you. I hope you can see that. I hope you dont spread yourself too thin for others. I hope youre okay yourself.

Maybe you find me ridiculous...
If you ask about someone but treat them as acquaintance (maybe), sometimes even coldly, then... you must be trying to uncover something different. Something you can use as one of your comedy routines during get togethers.
This is my paranoia speaking, but i'm pretty sure there's something else besides simple curiosity. Not necessarily embarrassing, but definitely something else.

Im currently in seda hotel nuvali.
And i wish i could share the sights, the smells, the rain, the cold, the food, and my reactions with you.
I wish i could tell you how delicious the omelette was, and how boring the bread was, possibly needing a little spice or tanginess to it, how cold it is, how far i could walk and explore, how blind i felt when i removed my glasses to clean off the moist, how i wish i could walk my own path through the whole solenad sections (or maybe if you were with me, we could walk together, and be curious together).
I just keep wishing...

I did it, self. I did it again. I'm sorry. I'm so wrong in the head.