20150630

Fitzgerald

Your photograph is all I have: it is with me from the morning when I wake up with a frantic half dream about you to the last moment when I think of you and of death at night. ―F. Scott Fitzgerald

I don't have frantic dreams of you, but you appear in my dreams like you've been and will be part of my life permanently, sitting side by side on a round dinner table, watching you walk and do things. I don't have a proper photo of you just yet, but that's what facebook is for, yes? I can stalk you all i want (and no im not doing anything illegal, just missing your presence a lot and trying to unravel your mystery).
My whole day revolves around the thought of getting to know you more. And you have no idea because i wouldn't dare tell. But if you know, then do tell me, so i wouldn't have to suffer in silence any longer. The embarrassment will be permanent, im not sure if i can live with it, but at least i'll see where the road goes.
For now though, i love you, and keep yourself well. You're a prize catch, y'know.


20150627

...

I need... miss... you.
I still wonder if i pass by your mind...
You seem to ask about me quite a bit... or at least as far as i've heard.
A bit of wellwishing from you right now would make me very happy.
I can kind of imagine a scenario... of you taking care of me. I want that to happen, but i don't really have the... right, to wish for it. I don't even have the means.
It frustrates me to no end that these are our circumstances. That we were born at our times and are connected in this manner. And it frustrates me that i feel so... scared, of breaking concepts, for you.
I  myself find it weird that i'm attracted and have grown fond of a man 20 years my senior... seriously though, you don't even look 40. Lol. I guess that tricks me too.
But you... people keep trying to put a label on you... lots of people think you are gay. Even i have some doubts, i must admit. But you confuse me. To me, you feel straight, or bisexual at most, but you don't feel exclusively homosexual. At the same time, you feel like an adult who responds to and does his adult duties, but still feels and acts like a... young adult, maybe. It's like you're stuck in the young adult limbo, to me. Which also adds to your charm, to be honest.
But whatever you are, i can say that i'm in love with what i'm seeing, hearing, smelling even, lol. I want to know you more, and learn to love whatever else is there.
But right now... i just wish for a get well or rest well message from you. That's all...


20150625

i'm feeling plagued by some really bad decisions/moves i made.

you know it's bad when you're listening to mark ronson's uptown funk and your thoughts still overtake the music.

i'm not sure if i should have done something else besides saying no and giving those reasons. i'm not sure if it had any effect, and/or what the effects are, or maybe there was no effect whatsoever.



i'm such a sorry excuse for a human being i don't even... sigh



i'd want a very direct message from you, but then there wouldn't really be any message if there isn't anything to tell, right?



so i'll just be left hanging here, thinking stupid thoughts to myself... assuming shit and making it up out of thin air... i don't even know how to interpret this... i'm so bad at understanding human relations that i make incredibly off assumptions...



i feel so fucking guilty over something that i'm not even sure about... so pathetic...



i'd like to think that there was either no effect or there was an effect on you, because you feel something as well... but it might be very, very, veeeeerryy far from that. so i just... i have to train myself to not assume shit... yeah. that's mainly it.

20150623

Mark this day

I'm so sorry for saying no huhuhuhhu
I don't mean to reject you or keep away from you but i'm afraid of the repercussions both immediate and in the future
I don't want to be a burden to you but please know that everything you do is very much appreciated and treasured
Everything, even the smallest gestures
I feel so stupid and guilty and i want to cry for being a total sissy like this i'm so sorry
But i am grateful for everything
I appreciate the offer to drive me home
I'm surprised, to be honest, pleasantly surprised
I'm just mostly grounded by fear of judgment and the idea that i'll be furthering the time it takes for you to get home and just being a clumsy burden altogether
But i love you and i hope i could show that in some way, that'll make your life easier, even the littlest things i could do to help you, i would do them if it would make you feel better
I hope for chances and shit but i'm so scared to move
How fucking lousy is that


20150621

...

I sometimes wonder whether I really am an artist or not...
There's a thing about belonging and/or feeling at home in a niche of people who are similar to you. It helps you build up confidence mutually, with your friends in that niche.
I can relate and jive with my current artist friends except for when it comes to our interests. Then i get left out.
Sometimes i, at work, also feel like i'm not fit to do my job... i'm not good enough or talented enough for it...
It's making me feel... like i havent found my place yet. Like im not doing the world a service because i havent yet found my full potential. Like... people are laughing behind my back thinking "she doesn't know what she's doing god bless her."


20150620

Color Oracle test

This is so true it kinda scares me. Haha.

Your General Disposition
At the present time, your behavior is characterized by your need for a feeling of success. You willingly invest a great deal of energy. At the same time, though, you feel that your actions receive too little attention, acknowledgment and recognition from the people your efforts are aimed at. You find this difficult to understand since your actions prove again and again that you are good willed and giving your best.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Pleasing
Of great importance to you now is...

...vigorous self-assertion.
You now want to pull out all the stops in order to achieve what you have planned. Your chances are good because if you feel something is important you are able to show initiative, grab the opportunity spontaneously and act with vigor. You can also display energetic efforts in your personal relationships: if you love or admire someone you are prepared to undertake quite a bit in order to win or hold on to his affection. You utilize a major portion of your powers for...

...loving attention.
You attempt to use your kindness to gain the affection of other people, and thanks to your charming ways, you usually succeed. You are happy when you can be with someone who shows you warm-heartedness, sympathy and understanding and with whom you can share the enjoyable things of life: delicious food, beautiful music, a comfortable home and, last but not least, the pleasurable exchange of physical affection. You hope your life will become more agreeable through...

...a thorough solution to your problem.
You can see it is now time to get up on your hind legs. You want to carry out your plans carefully and thoroughly and not be diverted from them. You take your tasks seriously and are not satisfied with half-hearted solutions or superficial answers. On the contrary, you try to get to the bottom of things, and you seek a radical solution to your problems. In the face of your personal problems you also concentrate on...

...unwavering stability.
Regardless of difficulties, criticism or objections, you are determined not be dissuaded under any circumstances from the things you consider to be right. This strongly driven attitude masks an inner insecurity that probably stems from the fact that your faith in a person you are close to, in people in general or in the justness of fate has been seriously shaken. When you are beset by problems you say to yourself: Don't panic! I can get help from my...

...the wisdom to avoid risks.
You give careful thought to what you do and what you say to whom. You hide your emotions and objectives behind a friendly but inscrutable mask in order to protect yourself from unpleasant confrontations and criticism. Your caution and reserve can be a sign of intelligence but also an expression of underlying fears. It would do you good to reveal your emotions and fears to someone you feel very close to in order to break through the wall of mistrust that you have erected around yourself. When you are pressured by problems, your internal computer screen displays the recommendation...

...restful relaxation.
Due to the fact that stress and interpersonal conflicts are straining your nerves, you are in need of more frequent periods of undisturbed calm in which you can lean back, relax comfortably and regenerate. The things that would help you most, aside from adequate sleep, are a professionally led relaxation therapy or a regular practice of yoga and meditation.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Unpleasant
At the moment you feel most anxious due to your...

...fear of rejection.
You often feel isolated from other people by an invisible wall, and sometimes you get the creeping feeling that even the people you like don't really love you and possibly even reject you. On the other hand, you enjoy standing out from the crowd with your willfulness, unusual views and egocentric behavior. Your “distinctiveness trip” does win you attention, but not the warm-hearted affection you require. You get an uneasy feeling due to your...
Your unconscious advises you to:

...distressing relationship problems.
At the moment, you are more aware of your personal needs, worries and problems, and this makes contact with others more difficult. Your relationship difficulties make you all the sadder because, under the current conditions, you need loving attention more than usual. It would be easier for you to get what you need if you were better able to put yourself in the other person's shoes. You inwardly sigh over your...

...exhaustingly stressful situation.
The difficulties you are presently forced to deal with sometimes cause you distress and tax your energies. Instead of altering or leaving this situation, you heroically attempt to hold on and to act as if nothing were bothering you. In this way, you overextend yourself and become the victim of your own ambitious need to prove how strong you are. Your momentum has faded considerably due to your...

...fear of misunderstanding.
You are fairly well convinced of your personal viewpoints, and you are certain that your needs, demands and plans are justified, but you fear others will show no understanding for them. In reality, you are often faced with misunderstanding, reserve or resistance because you are stubborn and a know-it-all. But you hardly let yourself be put off your stride. Other people show very little understanding for your...

...internal anxiety.
Tasks not yet accomplished, difficulties or a painful situation keep you constantly on the move and in a state of inner tension. You often study your problems, going round in circles, and have difficulty shutting off this mental merry-go-round. This situation will only change when you screw up the courage to work through your internal emotional problems. You are unclear what to do regarding your...

...frustrating situation.
You are in an unpleasant situation that hinders you from doing the things that are in line with your inclinations and needs. You find this all the more frustrating because you basically believe that someone who plays an important role in your life is to be blamed for your unfortunate situation. With this belief, you create a comfortable position for yourself and stand in the way of improving your circumstances.


20150617

i'm pushing this too much...

i mean, what could be there anyway... lol

not like there's anything out of the ordinary happening.

i'm
just putting highlights over things that should not have highlights,
but mean so much to me because my mind is telling me i'm being noticed
by someone i like...

really. how desperate can i be hahahaha.

even my mom hates me lol what sort of stupidity can i have that i still expect other people to maybe like me a bit.

if i can't even get a little... support... or acceptance, from my own family, what more from others...

i'm
very, very normal... i don't have weird inclinations (by weird i mean
things that society might find weird) besides the fact that i like you,
age distance be damned... but i dunno... i guess i'm still not good
enough. don't think i'll ever be.



sometimes it's nicer
to stay in a sort of stagnancy than to keep trying to change and be
liked... but not be true to yourself... but it might also mean a
personal trap of sorts... and i'm kinda losing the will to fight it
off... i don't know if this good or bad. but i guess you get both from
any experience.

20150602

... ~x~

My posts have no direction whatsoever. Just repeatedly hitting a concrete wall with these.

I wish we had something in common that would allow us to interact with each other.

So far, there's not a lot of that. So... I can't really observe you, and thus I won't be able to see if we can be good friends, at the very least.

I feel that with time, we can see each other at level. I just think we have a lot in common. At least based on what I'm seeing so far, which, I know, isn't a lot, but everything helps.

I sometimes wonder about the things you... "seem" to be doing.

I also wonder why you seem to be walking slightly differently, earlier.

But really, your age doesn't matter to me. I don't know if mine does you, or even whether you think about it at all. But if you ask me, I like you as you are. Age and short beard and toothpick thinness and all lol. I really do. I just wish I could tell you all of this myself.

Oh and, hello M Z. I think that's your pinterest account? Lol. Just guessing.