I wish you would also worry about me sometimes...

Good night, love.

Im only ever waiting for you...
I feel so desperate but also so hopeless.
But i'll keep waiting.

:(

What should i do? Why is it not mutual?

Why are you not there...?

Why don't you like me?

Ehh. That's not really a question.

I wish you do though.

Because this is really frustrating. And maddening. And depressing.

Sigh. :(

How do you translate feelings like this.

I love you but i have to keep myself from... being showy? From telling you. From letting you know. I just don't think it's appropriate. There is too much to risk losing. Including you.

Then again, it's not like you were, or will ever be, mine. Sad truth.

I wonder if i'll still think this way when i'm informed of a looming death date.

Gawds.

I want to facepalm myself. Slap, in other words.

Wake up you little idiot.

It can't be anything.

Don't dream of it.

You loving him is the wrongest of all wrongs.

Is wrongest even a word rofl. Sounds like it is, right now.

Your feelings are just emphasizing your loneliness.

But you shouldn't expect him to take up that missing piece. There are hardly any signs that things could lead to that.

You miss him so much though. His presence alone is enough to raise your spirits. And it's so pathetic that you feel that way over someone who doesn't seem to be reciprocating your feelings.

And it's hard to tell your fears and doubts to anyone because... you are in a much lower plane of confidence. Or maybe you just don't trust yourself enough to keep it together. It feels like withdrawal is your go-to choice all the time.

You cannot hide your weaknesses forever, or use them as your strengths. They still are your weaknesses after all. Hurt is hurt, and naivity is naivity, and that can't be simply changed. You love him for all the uncertain reasons you create in your head.

You wish that you will be justified...

Confused feelings. Looking for you but not wanting to be with you. I'm just very doubtful of my feelings. Not sure how to interpret this.

My brain is getting in the way on purpose too. I don't want to see you up close because it feels awkward. I'm trying to look for reasons that will make me stop liking you.

Mind over heart. Yeah. Ok.

V_V

Tell the people that i am your love.
Be proud of me though i am small and under achieving.

Ive nothing to bring to the plate.

Just wishful thinking.

Everyone does look for validation.
But it's a very unforgiving world if we base validation on the speed of a job. The efficiency of money-making. The spotlight of fame.
I'm finding that validation for a person like me, who has no real dreams and no real, substantial, ladder of success chosen, is one of a societal role done well.
I'd like to think that I'm doing a good job of a Sam to some Frodo's.
And maybe that alone should be a legit source of pride and self-worth.
But there's also the nagging thought that I might just be lowering my standards in an effort to justify my misgivings.
I'm not sure which it is. But whichever best works to keep me from wallowing in self disappointment, I'll take that card. Whichever works.

I will call you "my love" in letters and shared secrets. I will dream of your company and all of the times when we could've shared laughs and cuddles. I will wish to be comforted by you. I will hang on to the notion that my feelings can be returned. I will keep on holding to the possibility of us.

Even though, the more i see, and the more i learn, and the more i listen, the more my heart gets shattered to pieces.

It's a floating fantasy that can drown me anytime.

it's pointlesssssssssssssssssss



stop thinking and putting meaning on everythingggggggggg



things are just being highlighted in your brain because it connects you to himmmmmm



you should try to do that with other people too so that you'll know that there's nothing special about ittttttt



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